To think it’s me

[Ithinkitsmyfault]

NC for this thread as I don’t want it linked to my others.

I’m 28 with 2 dc, both under primary age. Ex left when I was pregnant for a 19 yo.

Since then I’ve had one relationship that lasted 8 months where I fell hard and thought he felt the same way. Then he left.

Men I date seem to be super interested at first then just as things seem to get serious they end it.

I’ve never had a relationship in my life where it’s actually gone anywhere properly committed. Even with the father of my children, I realise now that he always had one foot out of the door. We were together for 6 years and he never wanted to get married. Both of our dcs were unplanned and the result of failed contraception. Then he meets OW, whilst I’m pregnant and 18 months later he marries her and now they have a planned baby together. It really hurts to see him so happy and in love. Why her and not me?

AIBU to think there must be something wrong with me that men don’t want to commit?

I’m feeling so down about it.

Please don't think his shit behaviour is on you. Its not, and you are well shot of him.

How old is he btw, hooking up with a 19 yo?!

I think take your time and don't take anything for granted, just go very slow ans properly get to know someone, find out about their past and the way they talk about their previous relationships and whether they've cheated and so on.

You can see the way they interact with others and do slip up if they're not as into you as you them.

Is he still taking his father duties seriously? If he did, that is. Paying you regular maintenance etc?

He had met and married, rushed someone else down the aisle, well poor her I say.

There are decent ones out there, and I'm so sorry you have been left this way. Please try to see how shit he is, and that it doesn't reflect on you, atall

People can change for the person they want to be with; You wanted him to be better with you, he couldn't do that but now he is married and giving her what you wanted, that isn't because there was something wrong with you, it's because he wanted something else.

Wanting something else and not making it work with you isn't indicative of you being flawed in any way, it was just he fitted with someone else.

It's too easy to blame ourselves in these situations but I have genuinely come to accept over the years that it wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it was that they weren't the right one.

Thank you both. I’m trying to think positively and keep hope that it’s not that I’m unlovable and that I’ll meet the right one in the future.

The guy I was in a relationship with for 8 months is actually the one who floored me more than dcs dad. I truly thought he was the one. We were friends for ages before I realised I had feelings and wanted more. When he ended it I was absolutely gutted. Again, he met someone else and said we couldn’t stay friends which I felt was a really low blow.

Again, why her and not me?

keep hope

I am wondering, as you've used those words, whether this is touching a nerve for you, that you don't already know, but instead hoping?

Why would you think that him dumping you is in any way related to you being unlovable?

People dump others every minute of every day, its not because they're unlovable people!

It's about the right fit that love flourishes. There's no harm in some self-reflection, so long as it's balanced with objective critique of him also.

I would be wondering why I didn't know things were wrong, why he didn't ever speak about issues that it came as such a shock to you, as it evidently has.

I am assuming he never moaned about stuff, about life, about how you did things together, sex life, etc? He has rushed into marriage/baby.

Maybe he secretly harboured resentment that your DC weren't his bio dc? Nothing you could do about that, but you could guess and guess till the cows come home. Whats cruel is that he's not spoken to you about whats been going on for him, and that's not a relationship anyway, thats just two people sharing the same space.

I wouldnt worry, you have no idea how this marriage/baby thing will end for him. It might look all shiney from the outside.

Also, all these men that fade away when it gets serious, were you in love with all of them? Are you accepting them all as compatible and serious and in love with when they don't feel like its a good fit for them?

You've been through two big breakups, take some time to lick your wounds and look after yourself, choose wisely and watch carefully with your next choice.

You

People do change for the person they want. Sometimes they just love the next person more, so they give them what they want. It’s harsh but true

The men you dated that faded away when it started to get serious. Well be thankful as let’s face it any man that fades when it gets serious, just wanted a shag and only heartache was waiting ahead in a relationship with them.

Doesn’t mean something is wrong with you just that, that partner wasn’t right for you.

I would be wondering why I didn't know things were wrong, why he didn't ever speak about issues that it came as such a shock to you, as it evidently has.

I am assuming he never moaned about stuff, about life, about how you did things together, sex life, etc? He has rushed into marriage/baby.

With dcs father I knew things weren’t right for a while. We were together 6 years in total and in all that time he would openly flirt with other women and never posted anything on SM to do with me and the kids. Whereas with his new wife, it’s as if she and their baby are his first family. He obviously loves her in a way that he never felt for me.

Maybe he secretly harboured resentment that your DC weren't his bio dc? Nothing you could do about that, but you could guess and guess till the cows come home. Whats cruel is that he's not spoken to you about whats been going on for him, and that's not a relationship anyway, thats just two people sharing the same space

The 8 month relationship was amazing. He is a really good guy and made me feel special, treated me in a way DCs dad never did. But after about 6 months I felt him pulling away and eventually he ended it saying that we didn’t have enough in common. I just thought he needed space and time because what we had was special but then he met someone else and by all accounts is now in a serious relationship. Again, why her and not me?

This is going to sound harsh, but my dm was always quite harsh with me and I have a good relationship and a very strong sense of self worth, just as she has always had.

If a man wants to commit, he will commit. If he doesn’t, he won’t. It is honestly as simple as that. Why would you want to be in a relationship with (and have children with) someone who doesn’t want to commit to you?

I would honestly step back from relationships and work on yourself. You deserve much better than this but you will only get that if you learn to expect it.

@LuaDipa If a man wants to commit, he will commit. If he doesn’t, he won’t. It is honestly as simple as that.

That’s my point really. Literally both times they didn’t want to commit to me but then immediately did with the next person. What is it about me that they didn’t want to commit to?

So there it is, you don't have enough in common.

Did you think that? Did you agree? Or did the specialness, for you, mean that didn't matter? For him it might have.

I have to agree with pp on the not wanting a serious relationship front, just someone to shag about with. It could also mean you didn't have dc in common.

If you are convinced tou are unlovable, either necause tou always have or because this series of events has knocked your belief in yourself, get a referral from your gp for some counselling, and choose someone carefully that you can talk this through with in more depth.

It’s not a reflection on you and you need to stop viewing it in that way. For whatever reason the relationship wasn’t right from their perspective. There is nothing wrong with you, they just didn’t feel you were compatible or the relationship didn’t feel right or they may have wanted different things or had different interests. That doesn’t matter. What matters is your response.

It is worrying to me that the father of your dc did not want to marry, but you remained with him. Why did you not decide to move on when this became clear? The second guy gave you a reason - you didn’t have enough in common. It’s sad but again I’m concerned about how invested you are in such a short relationship.

You are worth much more than this, but you decide how you allow people to treat you.

I love my dh, he is a wonderful man. And if he left me tomorrow, I would be devastated, floored, hurt, upset etc. But I have no doubt that I would move on, and I certainly wouldn’t automatically assume that him
not wanting to be with me means that I am lacking something or not good enough.

You are enough. But you don’t realise that so how can you expect someone else to?

I’m the same op. Was with my ex years had children with him but he would never live with me. Met someone else and moved them in 6 weeks after we broke up!

I think it potentially sounds like you have self esteem problems.

Maybe work on that before trying to make a relationship stick?

Did you want to get married OP?

Did he make it clear he didnt want to marry, but both have now since married?

I think being left, whilst pregnant, for a 19yo makes him a pretty loathsome man tbh. Thats not about you, but him.

You describe your relationships as if you fell hard soon after your break up? You would have been fairly vulnerable at the point you were left suddenly with two under fives for an 19yo model.

It was very easy to get into more of a relationship with someone you were already friends with. It probably wasn't a wise move for your own recovery.

Again though, you expectations should be that people move out of relationships if things don't work for them.

We know very little else about these men or the relationships, but even so, its not because you're unlovable, and its such a shame you feel this way.

I don't rate your

...ex (father of your dc). Especially as hes treating new dc above his existing ones.

He's not right in the head to do this.

@Smotheroffive

Yes that’s what hurts the most really. When our first child was born, he never so much as took a photo. When dc2 was born he was already with OW. Now he’s married with a newborn and his Facebook is full of photos of them as a family. I’ve unfollowed him because I don’t need to see that but I recognise real happiness in his face which makes me feel sad and hurt.

I love my children more than life itself but I know that having them with this man was a mistake. I can’t help wonder if I hadn’t come with 2 kids whether things would have worked out differently with my recent ex. He swears that that’s not the case but I was so exhausted and preoccupied with a tiny baby and a toddler when we started that I think it’s bound to have had an affect. Plus I wasn’t well during that time and relied heavily on him which I know was the wrong thing to do so early on.

I just wish I could turn the clock back and do things all over again with him.

Oh OP, stop torturing yourself! What he puts on FB is a fantasy of his life. He's basically they rned his back on his own dc, that makes him a pretty vile and lowlife of a person I don't care how 'happy' he can smile in photos for the world to see.

No amount of smiling will ever make up for what he's done to his own dc, and you.

I'm glad you've stopped looking and he's probably happy for you to see it, what a dick.

Block it all and concentrate on your lovely dc that need you, not a dick of a dad like him. He's shown you all what he thinks of you, thats on him. Your dc are not to blame and neithrr are you, and you have to be teaching them that. They have to know its not about them, like this isn't about you.

Its all about him.

I also don't think you did anything wrong with your recent ex. I think you just needed to recover, from a shock of a breakup, and a newborn. You probably had very little to give to a new relationship, and rightly so, you had priorities, and were busy and tired and ill. No, its not what I'd be looking for in a relationship, but, some will ride that out, and some won't. Not your fault, but now you can get back on your feet, have time to regroup and build your own life, confidence, and resilience.

Do you have friends and family around? Let yourself heal from this, and move forward with strength in yourself, being busy with friends and family for a while without any intimate relationship/complications, and take your time.

You’re right smother, I am torturing myself. I keep thinking “what if” the timing had been better with my boyfriend. He’s such a good guy. His new girlfriend is very lucky to have him and I only wish it could’ve been me.

I do have some nice friends but like me, they are all really busy with their small children so social time is limited. Also I get the feeling that they’re getting a bit impatient with me because I’m struggling to move on.

I know I need to focus on the kids which isn’t hard because they’re my life. But I cry when I’m on my own because I miss my ex boyfriend so much.

If I went to my GP do you think I’ll be able to get counselling? Or is that not available on the NHS?

Give yourself more time and patience. Its been a very intense period with two intense relationships through pregnancy.

Its expected you'd be grieving all thats happened, and who knows, noone, whether it was just bad timing for you both, but there's literally nothing you can do now except give yourself a break!

I think if it was going to survive it would have. It didn't, and it wasn't going to work. Unfortunately he seems to have taken all that control out of your hands, and you won't get answers from him.

Enjoy your beautiful dc, and know that he has made space for you to fill yourself, to do with what you want. Keep busy with your friends and family, maybe do activities where the dc are involved and you and friend get chance to do something else, like a class?

Almot everyone is unlucky in love sometimes- it's not personal and is unlikely to reflect on you.

'I know I need to focus on the kids which isn’t hard because they’re my life. But I cry when I’m on my own because I miss my ex boyfriend so much.

If I went to my GP do you think I’ll be able to get counselling? Or is that not available on the NHS?.

Of course counselling is available on the NHS. You might have to lay it on thick- really pour your heart out. Waiting lists/provision can vary depending what the surgery offers.

You might want to see someone privately while you're waiting, if you feel the need. I'm not earning, but I prioritise therapy- it's worth it.

I think Relate might be able to give counselling on an ability to pay basis, don't quote me though!