To ask my Ex to introduce me to NP before DS?

[Floozymum]

I asked that my ExP introduce me to any new partner that would being coming into contact with my DS.

He thinks I should trust his judgement and he doesn't know how to tell a new partner they have to meet his ex. I think it's reasonable that if my son is saying over at his Dads then I ought to have some knowledge about someone who could potentially be spending a considerable about of time with him. Who is BU?

For context my DS is only 18 months old so obviously isn't aware of 'relationships' as such, but will be in the future and myself and ExP are currently on good terms

I suppose at the end of the day what would it achieve though? If you don't like her he won't split up with her and it will be up to him what he does in his contact time. I can see why you want to though

At the end of the day he doesn't have to so if he says no there isn't much you can do about it.

Will you be introducing any new partners to your ex?

My ex made it crystal clear I had no say or business knowing anything about his gf (also let our DS around a similar age.) tbh I had no desire to meet her anyway. As his dad I have to trust that he is capable of making parenting choices and decisions on his own time.

Interestingly when I met my now DH my ex kicked up Merry hell about it and demanded he meet him and tried to dictate when I could have him be around my son. I just rolled my eyes 👀

On instinct I'd say YANBU as I'd do the same, however it'd have to be done with respect to your ex as well, meaning that you'd have to be willing to do the same for him if he wanted to meet a new partner of yours for reassurance.

I understand @BarbedBloom point as well though.

I'd still be inclined to meet her though just because your DS is so young.

My mum met my dads new partner before she met me when I was 6 as it didn't sit right with her to have me staying with someone/have someone be that big of a part of my life that I didn't know and they've stayed friends even after new partner and my dad split up!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask, but he can say no.

I’d hope though he was only introducing serious partner(s) so you’d need to meet at some point anyway ?

He could always ask the new partner with no pressure to say yes - I’d like to think if she’s nice / serious she’d do it anyway to ease your mind.

You can ask for sure, but he can say no. Do you think he will?

Yabu. Youve no right to say what he does and with who. Maybe ask that neither of you introduces new partners before twelve months instead although he doesnt have to honour it.

I think if you trust him as a parent then you’re being unreasonable. When he has your child it is up to him who / where / what he does with your child, just the same way as it works when it’s your time.

I didn’t introduce my ex to my now dh before dh met dd and neither did ex with his now wife. I think at some point you just have to step back and trust the other parents judgement.

YABU and you have to allow him to parent - just as he should allow you to parent.

Legally you have no right to dictate to him that you must meet new partners - just like he can’t dictate to you. Where does this stop - do you each have to ‘approve’ the introduction of anyone?

Leave each other to parent how you feel best.

I understand why you’d want to but I do think you’re being unreasonable unless he has form for introducing people who are unsafe. I also think that you need to consider that realistically if you don’t like the person it’s still going to make no difference to if he introduces them.
When I started spending time with DSD I met her mum a month or two in because it seemed fair and it was good for DSD to see us all being friendly. I’m not sure about whether I’d of seen it the same way if I was expected to meet her mum beforehand almost like I had to pass the test before I met DSD.

YABU OP - what are you hoping to achieve by doing it? Some kind of veto?

I sympathise but I think on balance you need to remember he is parent and decides on a wider basis who your child will spend time with.

What do you hope to achieve ? If you dont' like her what will you be able to do about it?

I would pull back a bit on this and cross the bridge when you come to it. It's something that you could drive yourself nuts worrying about and then it either doesn't happen for years or it happens and you find you don't feel like meeting her after all.

Not worth falling out over something that isn't currently an issue .

I understand too why you want to do this but will your new partner be introduced to your ex before meeting your child?

YABU because what happens if you hate her? Or just don’t like the look of her? You can’t veto his future girlfriends and wouldn’t want him to do the same to you.

Some great food for thought guys.

To answer those that have asked, yes I was doing this on the basis that I would also introduce a NP to my ex before my DS, however he has said he doesn't want to know.

It's true, even if I met and disliked her there is nothing I could do. I guess it would just concern me someone having responsibility and influence on such a little person might not be the sort of person I'd chose.

Do you trust his judgement? If so then I’d leave him to it, I can’t think of anything worse tbh.

It’s nothing to do with you. I know you both share a child, and your child being happy and well is important to you.

But, your partner is 50% parent and so can bring whoever he sees fit into your child’s life.

Unless you have serious concerns over his ability to keep your child safe, you need to let this all go. Being controlling about new partners isn’t healthy for anyone, and you have no right to do it anyway. Will it make coparenting difficult for your both if you keep pressing this? Because if that happens it’s your child that loses out.

Are you intending to introduce any new partner to your ex before they meet your son? If not then you are being a hypocrite expecting him to do as you wish.

I think it's reasonable to ask and understandable. But perhaps ask if you can meet in due course rather than insisting you meet before your son meets her.

You want to be clear that you are only asking to meet to allay your very natural anxieties. If they think you are in any way trying to create issues or come between them they will understandably be unlikely to agree to it.

Yabu. You have no say about who he has a relationship so what’s the point. You have to trust his judgment. It would be fair if you to ask him to let you know if he is introducing anyone. That way you can show sn interest and deal with any questions that crop up at home.

Yabu, your child has 2 parents, 2 people who are capable of making judgement calls.

If you dislike her there's nothing you can do other than wind yourself up about it anyway.

It's difficult when things are new and emotional, but you do just have to learn to trust that your ex wants the best for your son too.

Unfortunately you have no say over his parenting either you trust him to look after your child or you don't. The details are no longer up to you.