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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I had some friends

38 replies

Morgenrot · 20/10/2019 19:38

I'm lonely. My partner thinks we don't need friends and, to be honest, I'm fine with it most of the time (and we have been together for a lot of years) but sometimes I just wish I had someone to talk to about things that don't interest him, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
SeaSidePebbles · 20/10/2019 21:02

I would feel suffocated too, OP.
Look, I used to be married to someone like that, it’s utterly disheartening.
I would just ignore him. Go to Pilates. Join a rock choir. Let him wallow in his own misery.
It’s not too late.

Original poster
Morgenrot · 20/10/2019 21:04

He wouldn't like it at all. He is very good at stopping me doing things but kind of doing it indirectly, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 20/10/2019 21:07

Do you both work? What happens in the evenings? Do you stay in together every night and only do things as a couple at weekends? Do you have children?

PowerFlowerrr · 20/10/2019 21:10

Plenty of people have a small and close circle of friends. You could just try and meet a few from a hobby or weekly class etc.

SeaSidePebbles · 20/10/2019 21:10

I see and know what you mean. Still, I would do it. It’s abuse (from his part).

DonnaDarko · 20/10/2019 21:10

He sounds horribly controlling.

I think everyone needs at least one close friend. Who can you bitch to about your OH!

AloneLonelyLoner · 20/10/2019 21:14

We've been married over 20'years and my hopefully STBXH has zero friends. He has made no effort with people. He is not interested in socialising and has at times resented the fact that I have nurtured my friendships. Now we are splitting I have the added guilt of him having absolutely no one to console him or be there.

It's not right for your DH to say 'we don't need friends'. You do. And you have a right to human connection. And it doesn't matter your age, you can always make friends.
My best friend, was a man I met through a friend when he was 65. He was like a soul mate to me. He is sadly gone now, but my life has been enriched by him.

If you are introverted (as I am) I know it's hard. If you are a member at a library I highly recommend their book groups. Most libraries do them. Book groups are good because it involves sitting and talking.
I really also recommend MeetUp. There will be MeetUps in your area. They are everywhere. You just join various groups and do random stuff and most of the people you meet are also not only interested in the meet up but interested in meeting new people.
I went on a random one that was a MeetUp walking the unused ancient railway lines of Edinburgh!! It sounds daft, but it was fascinating, I met so many very interesting people.

Friends are out there. You owe it to yourself to find them. You'll no doubt find some one or two who are really special and make life better.

CormacMcLaggen · 20/10/2019 21:28

My DH genuinely doesn't 'need' friends in the same way I do. He's very much an introvert and finds people, even good friends, very draining.

He'd never dream of telling me 'we don't need friends' because he understands I'm different to him.

Paintedmaypole · 20/10/2019 21:30

I don't know what the reason is but he is controlling your life. The age people are talking about ( around 50) is definitely not too late to make friends. I am nearer 70. I have friends from school days, uni friends, a group from work, and some very good friends I have met since retiring. I mostly meet up with them out and about, go for lunch or a walk, cinema sometimes. Shopping trip or country walk depending on their preferences. It takes time but if you are open to trying new things you will meet people. My husband isn't physically well and sometimes he can be a bit of a misery guts but I try to keep up my friendships as well as spending time with him at home. If I didn't get a change of scene I would find it difficult. We only have a couple of friends who are couples and we don't see them that often but as they are people he likes ( hard to findGrin) he is hospitible to them. I would try just telling your husband that you are taking up a hobby or some voluntary work and see if any friendships develop ( it will take a while). If he pulls a face ignore him but if he gets very angry and sabotages it you may have to seriously think whether yoh can live in such isolation.

BackforGood · 20/10/2019 21:45

Not sure what you are asking if YABU about so not sure how to answer that one directly, but, from what I'm reading, the only person being unreasonable ere is your husband.

We are naturally sociable creatures. Humans live as part of communities. Of course there are exceptions, but your dh has no right to control what you do and 'stop you' from joining something / going somewhere / doing something with other people.

What would you like to do ?
The example of WI is actually a good suggestion, as it is varied, and full of other women who would welcome you in to their group, and something that he couldn't come along to if he wanted to 'take over'.

AliceAbsolum · 20/10/2019 21:55

Your relationship sounds really co-dependant. What do you think?

AliceAbsolum · 20/10/2019 21:57

Have you researched coercive control? Because it sounds like he is very maniputive (e. G. Subtlety controlling you).

Original poster
Morgenrot · 20/10/2019 22:21

Thank you for taking the time to reply, all of you.

OP posts:
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