Dsis, Partners behaviour isn't right?

[Pumpkinbumpkin04]

My Dsis has recently given birth, he's been quite a fussy baby and they think he may have an intolerance. So she's been very tired and stressed. Her DP and his family have made it very clear to her that she should breast feed. She told me today that he guilt trips her into carrying it on and googles it and comes up with a list of why she should do it. She gives in and does it even though she wants to try formula so he can help her. Also today she told me he cancelled their plans today and decided to go out with his friend, leaving her home alone. He did the same yesterday too.
Recently they had a big argument at my parents house and apparently was almost shouting at her. My DM did not step and she should have but text my sister saying he was out of order and she was close to telling him to leave. This argument again was about breastfeeding.
She told me today that he said she couldn't go out with a friend for a couple of drinks and has recently been texting asking where she is. She said he never used to do this before.

My Dsis complains he doesn't help much and he hasn't even bathed him once yet. Calls my Dsis lazy and wants the house in a perfect way otherwise she is lazy. Also i personally feel uncomfortable how he handles his DS sometimes. He hasn't supported his head correctly and thought at 4 weeks old could hold it on his own. He pulls his cheeks around and mouth which it could be cute and funny if done right but he isn't gentle. He has been heavy handed with my son, not on purpose but i just dont think he realises.

AIBU this behaviour is not right? I've been in an abusive relationship before and dont want her to be in my position.

@ponoka7 sorry i asked for the last post to be deleted as i had duplicated it.

My parents could offer her a place they have alot of room. I dont know if they will though because my DM told me i couldn't come back home. I could offer her a place temporarily. I've said that its not right for him to behave like that and i think hes being controlling. Today i said lets do something so she wasnt alone and i said to her i'd help her with the baby.

It's not right to treat her the way he is, no. What does your dsis say? Ultimately although you want what's best for her if she doesnt wish to take any action all you can do is be there for her and support her as best you can.

Ha that’s why my reply didn’t post then
@pumpkinbumpkin04 This honestly gives me chills. Very reminiscent of my ex-BIL’s behaviour towards my sister. Definitely controlling.
Ultimately it’s her body and if she chooses not to breastfeed her decision should be respected. Can you encourage her to talk to her health visitor? The HV should be speaking to her alone anyway for this sort of reason & to action any safeguarding concerns.
Let your sis know she has an escape route; I remember vividly the feeling watching my own sister go through this

All you can do is let her know that there is room for her at your house, that you will help her and support her if she decides she wants to leave him, and that she doesn't need to be with someone who treats her that way.

Then leave it be and carry on as normal.

As hard as it is, she has to come to the decision for herself and if you push too hard and there is abuse going on then it'll give him fuel for a "you and me against the world, babe" narrative that can be used to isolate her from you all.

@meow1989 she is questioning if this is controlling behaviour. They have been together 6/7 years and throughout their relationship he has been a bit of a dick towards her at times. Although she has stuck for herself. Yet now she's vulnerable and emotional and tired and relies on him for money now. Apparently he also said today well theres no rules to what i can do.

@Jimmers yes i went through an abusive relationship which got worse when i had my DS, i ended up in a women's refuge and i don't want her to go through that. She has MH problems and dont think she would cope. So trying to be there as much as possible without pushing her.

@Venger yes exactly i don't want to push because i know it could go the wrong way and her being isolated.

God I hate the breastfeeding Police. He sounds like a complete wanker. It’s up to your sister how she feeds the baby. When he’s able to produce milk and spend hours and hours feeding the baby then he can dictate how it will be fed. He sounds extremely controlling. I can understand why you’re worried about your sister. I agree with @Venger that it’s very sensitive and it probably wouldn’t take much for him to isolate her from all her support.

It's good that she is questioning, just keep telling her you're there for her and are an escape option if needed as others have said.could you go to some groups with her to encourage some peer support and space for her?

Breastfeeding or not is her choice and hes being awful, it will take strength for her to stand her ground.

You sound like a lovely sister.

Unfortunately pregnancy and the vulnerable post partum period can be typical times for domestic abuse to become apparent or escalate, because perpetrators know that the victim is now fully invested in this family unit, she’s likely dependent due to maternity living hour to hour just to get through the tasks of parenting in the early days.

He probably likes her to keep exclusively breastfeeding against her will because it keeps her tied to the baby, he can play on her desire to be a good mother, she can’t have an evening out, she’s having to do all the night feeding, he’s not helping he, she’s exhausted and emotional; Now perfect circumstances for him to bully and manipulate and gaslight her, and he will tell her she’s just being hormonal.

Sadly, I think your sister is being abused by your partner and it’s only going to get worse.

Invite her to come and stay and my her the perfect prep machine (I am utterly pro breastfeeding but if it makes you miserable then it's ok to say "enough").

He sounds increasingly abusive and it is so very common to ramp up once a baby has been conceived/born.

Your poor DSIS

Thank you everyone. Its making me very emotional because i remember feeling like i was going crazy but now i know my ex was emotionally abusing me. I felt so alone and i dont want that for her. I know the abuse ramped up for me after i had my DS but there was already abuse there before. I think there was so low level abuse with her but i dont think she really noticed it before where as now i think its got worse and shes noticing.

It does sound abusive unfortunately. Dd is 14 months and a lot of men in the nct group and the partners of other men I met were fucking horrific when their babies were born. Be there for your sister, support her in knowing it's not ok, offer practical support if you can as the men I've met were very accepting of this because its 'womens work'. Ensure your conversations focus on her and how much she is doing, what she is feeling etc. Dh became horribly nasty when I gave birth and yet gave the impression of being super dad to the outside world. All I heard was his issues, his tiredness and how he was. It was a big factor in my PND and PNA. He also didnt do night feeds, bath, massages, change her clothes when she was sick but PIL and actually my parents at the time were consistent in this being mums role. Your sister needs you to support what she probably already knows is not ok.

God I hate the breastfeeding Police.

It won't have anything to do with breastfeeding really - it's simply about him wanting to make sure he's controlling her. She wants to bottle feed - no, do it my way. And handily, do it the way that means you can't go out for long without the baby, and the way that I don't have to help with.

He's just a controller and a wanker, not a dedicated bf advocate!

I don't know what to do really. I feel helpless and I'm angry at him for treating her that way. I know my nephew isn't the easiest baby and I know she must be struggling :(

It won't have anything to do with breastfeeding really - it's simply about him wanting to make sure he's controlling her.

So much this. It's not a BF vs FF issue, it's a control issue. I can 99.9% guarantee that if she was breast feeding he would be pushing her to formula feed purely because it's his will over hers.

Does he work? If so, she can try bottle feeding while he’s out. Do you have bottles and a steriliser she could try out round at yours?

@cherrysoup she has all the bottles and steriliser as she's expressed and tried a couple of formula bottles. He works but leaves early and it depends how the weather is to when he will come home.
She's also told me she finds it hard to get money from him. He earns a really good wage and she's now on maternity pay so relies.on him a bit more.

Not the main point but please do remember that feeding is not a 'breast' or 'bottle' situation necessarily. Any breastmilk is valuable but it may be possible after the first few weeks to successfully combination feed. She could speak to a local breastfeeding counsellor or call the NCT feeding helpline to get support.

She doesn’t need to speak to a breastfeeding counsellor. She doesn’t want to breastfeed. He is an abusive prick.

She has spoken to numerous people about it. HV, doctor, midwife. She said alot of them were pushy and she's also done combination feeding. It's up to her what she wants to do and she doesn't want to breast feed any more. And to feel like she's being pushed into it and made to feel guilty and "letting her son down" makes me so angry and sad

If she wants to formula food encourage her to crack on and do it

She’s not ‘letting him down’. Presumably it’s her piece of shit dh telling her this? If the baby received the colostrum and she doesn’t want to continue, nobody can or should try to guilt/make her carry on. As the dh is working, she can give it a real go, stuff what the dh wants. Her body, her choice, although he sounds horrible so she needs to be careful not to put herself in danger over this issue.

I think some hvs/midwives need to wind their necks in, it’s the mother’s choice. I’ve told this story on here before, my cousin’s midwife swore her baby was doing well despite the dramatic weight loss. The baby was so dehydrated he had a stroke. Long story short-and I know it’s not relevant to this thread-the midwife was struck off. Bottle feeding means you can verify how much the baby takes and anyone can do feeds.

I hope your sister manages to do what she wants, OP.

I think swapping breast feeding for formula feeding will give her a different set of problems to the current ones and that's worth considering, notwithstanding her partner is being nasty [ie. nowadays you're not supposed to make formula in advance and store in the fridge to reheat, so it takes time to make]. He's not going to help if she does swap feeding methods, so it won't give her the break she wants/needs / get him parenting the baby the way he's supposed to.

If she were to change her mind about breast feeding then it'd be worth her trying a breast pump out to create a stash of breast milk, which would give her the option to leave the baby with you/others for a bit longer than now, in a similar way to formula feeding.

Can you encourage her to go to breastfeeding support groups - as a way of getting out of the house to meet other parents of very little ones without him? [not saying she should carry on breast feeding when she doesn't want to - it's her body, but as a way of getting out and having some social contact that he's trapped himself into a position of having to approve of, it's worth a try]

Food intolerance - it's worth her trying her GP for a dietician referral - they might recommend a specific type of prescription infant formula to try and that might give her back up in telling him why she's not breast feeding [not that she needs to justify this, but if she's not at a point of wanting to leave him, this is maybe a way of selling it to him]

Can you provide your sister with practical support? One of you care for both of your children whilst the other does something else (maybe in the same place), but might help with some of the house worky stuff and might help her to go out for a day or parts of days with you.