To stop DS seeing his dad

[Siablue]

I recently left my husband due to domestic abuse. We have a one year old. I have been meeting up with him to allow him to see DS. This has been causing me a lot of anxiety.

I have been advised by my solicitor and women’s aid that I can stop contact and I don’t have to tell my ex where we are. They have suggested I get a court order to stop him contacting me. This is something I would like to do as I am living with family at the moment but I am going to get a place of my own. I would not feel safe by myself if he knew where I was.

The only reason I have not gone for the court order is that I feel guilty for stopping DS from seeing his dad. How will I explain to him when he is older that he doesn’t see his dad?

I don’t know what the best thing is for my son. I don’t want him to hate me when he grows up either because I didn’t protect him or I didn’t let him see his dad. What would you do?

I would take the professional advice you have been given - you are protecting yourself AND your son.

You need to listen to solicitors etc.

It doesn't have to be no contact. A solicitor should advise that it's supervised/supported contact in those circumstances.

From my experience, they'll write to him with the offer of supported contact and he's to contact your solicitor rather than you (which should be stated in the letter too).

And then you shouldn't have to see or hear from him but your DS will still have regular time with his dad in conditions where you know he's safe.

Good luck! Don't cause yourself any unnecessary anxiety, your DS needs you to be happy and calm - I've been dealing with a situation similar for several months and it's so difficult.

spice3 thank you. That would be better then I wouldn’t have to see him or let him know where I live but I wouldn’t be stopping him seeing DS.

It still isn’t a normal relationship though. How would I explain to him what is happening? I don’t understand how I could possibly do that without telling him at least some of what happened. I don’t see how I could avoid criticising his dad to him.

I know that many people think that you shouldn’t crititse your child’s other parent or tell them why you split up. I don’t think that it will ever be possible to have an amicable relationship as seeing him is destroying my mental health.

@Siablue how old is your DS?

@spice3 it's in the OP! Literally the first paragraph. He is a 1 year old.

You protect your child. You don't expose him to an abusive man you've been advised to protect him from! You deal with your own feelings instead of using him to avoid working through them!

He's a child! It's your job to protect him. Not use him as your human shield from your difficult feelings.uk

Do you have any idea how much damage it would do to continue contact with an abuser? Why would you even contemplate that when you have so much support to prevent it?

The Freedom Programme might help: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You describe the abuser's behaviour and why that's wrong and/or unsafe to be around. That's not criticising anyone or being unfair. Saying "your dad's a prick" would be personal criticism and not particularly helpful for a child to understand there was a genuine issue not you just disliking the man. Saying "your dad did xyz, which was wrong and meant it wasn't safe for us to be near him" is clear and helpful.

He can apply for a child arrangements order to see him. But I'd advise you to get help from domestic abuse professionals to back you and support you in the process.

@Trafalger major pregnancy brain! Sorry OP!

At 1 there isn't any explaining though if circumstances change and the supervised/supported contact centres that I'm aware of make things so fun with so many activities etc, it'd all be positive and fun and engaging for him.

I do know how damaging it would be for him to continue to have contact. It’s the reason I left. I don’t want him to have it but at the same time I don’t want to keep him away from his dad.

I feel that whatever I do I will expose him to some kid of harm. He does seem to love his dad.

My friend says I should have conselling to help me deal with the guilt.

I have lost all my judgement. I was in such a bad situation for so long. I didn’t know it was abuse. I don’t know what would be a reasonable thing to do in this situation at all.

My instinct tells me to keep him away but it seems such an extreme step.

Can you switch your perspective to you and your son? It seems like you're seeing everything from your ex's perspective or some future son who blames you. That's not the current reality, but your fears. I get it but I don't think counselling would be a bad idea - you're doing the best thing for you and your son...in short, fuck what he thinks!

Please consider ending all contact. If he was willing to abuse his partner he can potentially do the same to his child. Many abusers use the child to abuse their ex further. Some might even hurt the child if they believe it will negatively affect the mother/ control her.

Why do you want this man around your child when you know what he can do? I grew up without a father and I didn’t need one.

My mum managed to never criticise my dad, even though he abandoned her when she was 3 months pregnant for her best mate and didn't meet me til I was 16. She facilitated xontact by letter til then. That's because, horrible situation though it was, there had been no abuse and there was no danger to me: me making up my own mind about him and deciding what if any kind of relationship I wanted was an option om the table.

This is not the case for you. Your ex was a danger to you and will be to your son. It is developmentally normal for children to show love for and continue to seek the approval of their carers up until puberty strikes, regardless of how they are treated - evolutionarily it kept us safe. Your son's affection for your ex is that and nothing more - this is not a case like my mum's where he hurt you emotionally but is no risk to you or your son now. It is OK for your son to grow up knowing (in an age appropriate way) why he doesn't see his dad. He may well need support coming to terms with that but absolutely no doubt that will be the better option for both of ypu than exposing him to an abuser.

Well done for getting out and sending you strength for a brighter and happier future.

I think I am seeing his perspective. I am so used to pandering to his wants that it hard to get out of the habit.

I do think he will use DS to harm me further. He keeps telling me about his rights as DS’s dad.

Angrtfeminist your mum sounds lovely.

I don’t see how I can explain it to him. On another thread posters are calling another women who told her child the reason why she split with his dad emotionally abusive.

I don’t really have the option of never saying anything negative about his dad that everyone seems to advise.

You don't have to tell a one year-old the whole truth. When he is about five years-old you may have to explain. He will see other children in school with parents together and may ask. Then you tell the truth.
"Daddy behaved badly and the judge said it was better it we lived apart."

Thank you. Fortunately at the moment he doesn’t know any different. I do worry about when he is older.

I know that I will have to tell him some version of the truth but do worry that that would affect him emotionally.

All the advice is not to say anything negative about your child’s other parent and how harmful this is. I feel that whatever I do I am letting him down.

Can you take a step at a time and have contact in contact centre if you feel not able to stop contact. And all contact to be arranged by email so you can change your mobile number.