To ask how I can help this friend (serious and dangerous hoarding).

[GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery]

I have the loveliest, sweetest friend, and I want to know how I can help her.

In the 15 years I've known her, she's been into antiques. She'd often buy things at boot sales, flea markets and online, to sell on and make a little profit.

She lives 20 miles away from me in a lovely two up, two down Victorian terrace and since I've known her and started visiting, her house has always been on the cluttered side, with all the antiques and knick knacks she's amassed, but the house was always still lovely, quirky and useable.

Fast forward 7 years, she's had two relationships with absolute shitheads, she's got the biggest heart and the way they treated her sent her spiralling into depression.

On top of that, she was made redundant, had an accident which meant she wasn't very mobile for a number of months (luckily she had her redundancy to get by on), and she also lost a parent. She really has been through the mill.

During this time, I've made the effort to go and see her more often and told her to call me any time of night or day as she was suicidal. Encouraged her to go for counselling, which she did and it did help to a degree.

However, also during this time, her buying has got worse, to the point that when I visit, I have to give notice so that she can clear a path from the front door, through the house, rather than climbing over things.

Last time I went, she needed more notice than usual, as the sofas had stuff piled high that she needed to redistribute so I could sit down when I went round for a girl's night in.

I spoke to her last week as we've not caught up for a few weeks and I'm planning on going to see her again. But she mentioned that the hoarding is at its worst and when I come over we will have to sit on her bed upstairs and the living room is inaccessible now.

I asked if I can come over and help her start making a dent on the hoarding and she just said no, as she doesn't know where to start and she works six days a week, so is utterly exhausted on her one day off. Plus she's in a lot of pain still after her accident.

I really don't know what to do, or suggest. I'm worried sick that something will topple onto her, or she won't be able to escape in a fire.

Where to begin? Anyone got any experience of this? Should I rally her other friends and stage an intervention?

My Sister is a hoarder and subsequently I've watched numerous programmes about it.

We clear her car with her, it's back to how it was in no time. She does some of the rooms in her house, occasionally, but it creeps back.

On and off counselling has helped. It's a psychiatric/psychological condition that needs intervention when the person is ready.

Sadly there isn't an answer when the person owns their own house.

You could try to help her make a plan that focuses on her mental health first.

Sorry to hear that @Ponoka7.

Yes, I guess itts obvious that as her MH issues get worse, so does the hoarding. I'm just so worried about her and it seems to overwhelm her now. She's given up trying.

I can't imagine how living among it all just affect her mentally too.

Your friend needs MH support with this. Even if you clear stuff out, it will come back again. I think hoarding is often now seen as a form of OCD.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/hoarding-disorder/

You need to see if you can get your friend to access medical help.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude thank you. At a quick glance. The hoarder profile sounds like it's written about my friend.

I will print a ton of resources off and I think I will write her a letter with what I want to do to help and support her, so that it's there to refer to and remind her.

Hoping to see her in next two weeks. I'm only one of about five people allowed in her house as she's so embarrassed.

When shes ready itll happen. Just continue to be there for her. Just keep an eye out for her hoarding unhygienic stuff. We had a guy at work who was hoarding jars of his own urine/feaces etc. In the end he wasnt allowed back to his house until it was cleaned out.

@CAG12 there's nothing unhygienic. No rubbish, newspapers etc. It's just boxes of antiques and knick knacks, all piled neatly.

Her kitchen and bathroom have less clutter than rest of the house and are actually clean. Her garden is also immaculate, so that's something I guess.

Her car is always full to the brim though, no idea how she sees out of it, or how much extra fuel it burns with the weight.

The key thing is that you are being her friend. The more isolated she is the more important the hoard will become.

Will she meet up with other people outside the house?

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude she's literally one of the nicest people I know. I adore spending time with her and will continue being her friend.

She doesn't tend to meet others outside of the house that much as she's too tired, too skint, in pain and doesn't want to leave her dog alone for long periods.

I don't mind going to her, she's only a couple of stops on the train, or my partner gives me a lift there and back, so I can have a few wines with her. I usually make a meal and take it round so she can relax and we can focus on catching up instead.

You sound like a wonderful friend.

Thank you. So is she to be fair. She's a big heart on legs. I feel so sad that life hasn't been going her way, as she truly deserves so much happiness.

There is no quick and easy fix to true hoarding. The fire service may come out and do an assement for her.

If she buys to sell, how about helping her to sell? Look up some fairs or whatever and help her have a stall there? Or help her with the ebay listing?

I think, though, encouraging her to seek help for the underlying mh issues and to continue being a lovely friend are realistically all you can do.

How is she affording all this extra stuff? She must have a lot of spare income

I have a friend who is similiar.... and it’s hard as she has 2 young teens who are now bullied because of this

And the kids hate it too but love their mum. I want to do something but my friend does not see it as the outside world does

It most places the fire service has some sort of hording support, which may be worth checking out

Great idea about the fire service. I will suggest that @DonPablo.

She's not very tech savvy and even though she buys online, she doesn't sell. I've offered to list things on eBay and Facebook for her, plus boot sales, she agrees and then doesn't go through with it and I'm reluctant to push her too much.

When she does sell things, she tends to buys more.

I will encourage her to return to counselling again too.

With her permission your local fire service may send someone to help her look at smoke alarms and clearing a safe route.
Hoarding can be hard to deal with and the main thing is that she stays safe until she is ready to tackle it.
You sound a lovely friend x

You sound like a perfect friend

@LoveNote she rents spaces in local emporiums and sells antiques and collectibles through there. She only makes a modest income and until recently had been getting by on her redundancy money.

She tends to buy new items as fast as she sells them.

Thank you @Fallofrain.

Thanks @sofcat that's a few that have suggested that, so will certainly look into it.

Thank you @ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother - I wish I lived closer so I could do more to be honest.

"I'm only one of about five people allowed in her house as she's so embarrassed."

So not suggest the fire service, tgis could cause you to be cut out.

We are no longer welcome in my sister's house, because we pushed too soon.

She won't let them in.

You need to start slowly. I know you're all enthusiastic, but you need to move a step at a time.

Wait until you are face to face so you can gauge her reaction to you wanting her to admit to and address the mh issues that are causing the hording.

She won't want 'a ton of resources thrown at her'. Change is scary, coming out of what you've comforted yourself with is scary.

Mine is food, to have that removed, whether it's food/drink/hording, before you are ready will cause the person to go into denial and shut down.

This may never fully go away until there's something to replace it, in some people's cases that could be a relationship, pets or another hobby.

She isn't even on board yet.

Does she get much time away from her house? I wonder if a weekend in a clutter-free cottage by the coast with her dog would help give some perspective and re-energise her?
I know that she needs to address the underlying issues, possibly connected to a feeling of loss or disappointment/insecurity, but would you be willing to take 20 items and put them on Etsy and tell her that anything you sell is going into a savings account - strictly to be used only for holidays and retirement? Keep taking 20 items each time you see her.

@Ponoka7 thank you. I definitely know her well enough to know she wouldn't shut me out if I suggested the Fire Service, or brought some printed out resources though

She would either say she's not ready, or she'd accept the information and try the suggestions, or accept it and have good intentions, but not follow it through.

At least if I furnish her with other options, she had them to refer to and consider for when she is ready I guess. She keeps saying she wants to get it under control, so the intent is there.

No she doesn't sadly @DianaT1969, she did take her dog to a cheap cottage by the sea this year and had a lovely time.

I also treated her to a spa weekend and it was the most relaxed I'd seen her in ages.

She doesn't have much spare cash, but you make some good points and ideas. Maybe when I go round, I could take my laptop and gently suggest to see how she feels about listing a few items.