Friends judging me?

[Ritascornershop]

Am I being overly sensitive or are my friends being insensitive?

I’ve got to sell my much loved house where I’ve raised my kids and where I’ve lived for over two decades. I’m sad about it, but it’s economically unavoidable (bought house from ex when we divorced).

When it comes up my friends (since childhood) look concerned and ask what I need to do to get it ready to sell. Mostly their worried faces are concerned about the garden. I’ll admit it’s not tightly manicured like a show garden with perennial beds that are 50% clean dirt around zinnias. It’s got old roses, lady’s mantle, lilacs, apple trees, lavender etc. I cut the roses twice a year, edge the beds, prune the apple trees every few years. The bushes and plum tree are not shaped, they get whacked back when they’re too big for me.

I think I’m doing pretty well considering I’ve been a single mum for a very long time, kids are now barely grown, I work almost full-time and I’m bloody exhausted.

The friends tend to say “well, people like manicured gardens”, “people might think it needs a lot of work”, “people might be put off by having flower beds to maintain”.

The whole idea of selling and moving is stressful enough, but the tutting is doing my head in. What can I say to cut them off at the pass? And as a side issue, why do people feel the need to offer unasked for judgements on stuff like this?

[Tellmetruth4]

Well then take them up on their kind offer to style your garden as that’s clearly what they’re hinting at? Of course they aren’t but pretend they are and ask them when they are free to come over and fix it how they see fit. Offer to provide pizza and drinks.

Can’t stand when people criticise but don’t offer to help.

[Frouby]

I love the sound of your garden OP. It sounds like the kind of space you can do just about anything with, so why turn it into a McMansion garden?

Next time they say something just say 'oh am so glad you said that, have been worried about it, do you want to come over next weekend and give me a hand........' Same with everything else they mention. Make it their problem to solve. I guarantee they will soon start saying it's absolutely fine, which it absolutely is from the sounds of it.

Am sorry you have to sell when you don't want to though, that must be difficult.

[CherryPavlova]

Personally, I don’t much rather have an interesting, un manicured productive garden than a gravelled or decked retreat. Somewhere that children can have a rope ladder and swing, somewhere they learn to pick and cook with fruit. Plums off the tree are a rare treat these days.
Sounds lovely. Ignore suburbanite friends.

[SingingLily]

one has astro turf that she hoovers . I would hate that.

This made me smile.

Plastic garden -v- real garden with lilacs, lavender and apple trees? No contest! I know which one I'd choose.

OP, your home with its comfy armchairs and books everywhere sounds perfect to me. It will be a wrench for you to move but it's been a lovely family home to you for two decades now and there'll be a new someone who will love it as much as you do. Chin up 💐

[MaidenMotherCrone]

What about a pic Op. Then we can give our opinions.

[BlueJava]

Just ignore them and say in an airy way "Oh well, I'll see how it goes now it's on the market" and move the conversation on. In my view these things are so personal you can't say! Some people like sprawling gardens with flowers grown up to give them privacy and colour, others (me) have a postage stamp with decking/artificial grass and nothing else (we bought it this way, not saying I'd have done it). One person's colourful living room is another person's horror because they prefer grey/white and minimalist. If they push too much say "yeah I was thinking of a cleaning and decorating party... shall I sign you up?"

[betternamepending]

Dh and I both sold our old flats in the past year. The amount of neverending advice we got from family and friends was unbelievable. Neither of us listened, we did our own thing and we both got offers well over our asking price (after a lot of people telling us that we were delusional about our high asking prices). Don't listen to anyone except the estate agent.

[Ohyesiam]

I’d be tempted to look vaguely puzzled then say” the estate agents not mentioned it, but actually could you spare any time to help me out on it?”

Are they just shingles though, or have they just seen to many programs where the whole house and garden get a face lift, and he seller puts out fresh flowers and bakes bread every time they have a viewing?

[mamaduckbone]

Your garden would be a selling point for me - it sounds lovely. Everyone's different and they're not being very hel

[mamaduckbone]

Oops...
Helpful!
We were put off a house that we viewed last week by the manicured garden (backing right on to a main road). I'd much sooner have some mature trees and shrubs to work with.

[CheeseChipsMayo]

Christ with friends like that😨id politely advise you ignore the doom merchants! Ive certainly bought places knowing ill reserve a few k to sort garden a couple of months in..as long as your property is clean&maintained (or if not then is reflected in sale£)im also a long time single mum to teens&the garden is done with coersion/blackmail depending on task&weather😊..its the last in a long list of prioritied tbh as we all enjoy other thing more!it'll be fineOP-good luck on the sale.

[ElizabethinherGermanGarden]

OP, your house sounds gorgeous! For all the people who like manicured, no-upkeep gardens and minimalist rooms, there will be others who love coziness and cottage gardens and the family life that your home sounds as if it oozes from every pore.

My dad did similar to your friends when I was newly divorcing and renovating my new house. He believed that he was entering fully into my concerns and helping me with his lists of things-still-to-be-done, but to me it felt like he was constantly telling me I wasn't doing enough when I was working full time, doing hours of diy in the evenings and was overwhelmed and sad. I know what it feels like to have the mixture of fury and sadness with the feeling that they're only trying to help and the worry that you're being unreasonable.

I think it sounds as if there are two things that would be helpful to do before mid-November.

1. let yourself cry to your friends about it - tell them exactly what you've told us about how you're feeling. I bet they think they're being helpful and will not want you to be hurt. If they're decent humans, I bet they'll be mortified!
   
   
2. plant bulbs in the garden - put early flowering hyacinths and narcissi and muscari (don't bother with snowdrops - too expensive) at the fronts of borders and cheapo daffs everywhere else. Put tulips in big pots (because hopefully you'll be moving by the time they're in flower and you can take them with you). If the house sale drags on into the new year, the garden will sell itself with early colour. Your friends, hopefully, will be so sorrowful that they have hurt your feelings that they will buy bulbs and help you plant them if you tell them that this is your plan.
   
   They really do sound as if they are being thoughtless cowbags over this but I'm sure they are not deep-down-horrible. Tell them.

[Aridane]

You explicitly asked their opinion and they have candidly given you their feedback.

If you wanted them to say oh it's lovely, nothing further need be done, the. Yup shouldn't have asked.

Now you have their (solicited) opinion, you can check back in with the estate agent in this regard.

[BBBear]

Your garden sounds lovely! I currently rent a house with just a lawn, which is great for the kids to play on but I never sit out there. We’re buying next year and a mature garden is top of my list of priorities.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

If the only reason you are selling is because of the mortgage, have you shopped around for a better deal.

Presumably you have paid off at least 15 years of payments and however many years you had the mortgage with your ex.

Could you refinance and add an extra 5 or 10 years to the mortgage to reduce the monthly amount.

Then if you can get together £500/£1000 blocks of money over the course of time you can then pay that directly to your mortgage balance on top of your lower monthly payments.

If you still have to sell then the type of people who like pristine pocket handkerchief gardens are not going to for your house anyway.

The person who buys it will be someone who likes the size and look of your garden and who will add to it over the years

[Bluerussian]

I feel for you, my garden is a mess too and I have a fence that's fallen down but I'm an old lady compared to you and can afford to get someone in to fix it. I couldn't have afforded that years ago.

If your friends would offer to help instead of criticising, how wonderful would that be! If a few of you worked on the garden it wouldn't take long. I daresay they have their own stuff to do though.

It's a great shame you have to move, is there any way you could take in a lodger (a nice woman preferably), who wouldn't intrude on your privacy but would pay you regularly? There are people who want accommodation, maybe not long term but who have moved to a particular area for a job. That's just a thought, I realise it may not be feasible. You do have to be careful about 'strangers' in your house, especially when you have children but it is possible to find decent people.

Other than that, I don't think a garden that is a bit untidy will put potential buyers off as long as the house is basically in good nick.

Good luck whatever you do.

[Tartyflette]

Tell them the estate agent says it's absolutely fine. Change the subject. We have a very large, sprawling and un manicured garden with fruit trees and soft fruit, vegetable plots, roses, wide beds and lawns. It will be quite a lot of work for any buyer (as it is for DH) but there's not a lot we can do about that. We just need a buyer who likes lots of space, and gardening.😆
As for the house, bung any surplus stuff into storage for a month when it first goes on the market, to create more space. Other than that, clean and tidy is all you need.

[NettleTea]

your garden sound idyllic, and actually very much what is becoming more fashionable and desirable as people look to entice wildlife in.

but do you need to sell - could you have students/lodgers to make up any shortfall, or make a beautiful bedroom and Air BnB it? If you love your house Id be looking at any way to remain in place if possible

[HeyNotInMyName]

@Ritascornershop, my parents have sold a house with a big garden recently.
It was big. It wasn’t even tidy with nice flowers beds etc...

Some people were out off by the size of the garden. Fair enough. Others really enjoyed that.
It never stopped them from selling the house.

Your issue is with your friends. If your main concern is about why you are selling and how sad you are rather than how to sell it/sell it quick/Getting the max price you ca get, then tell them.
Tell them that how to sell the house isn’t your main concern just now. Your main issue is having to let go of your home, the one you’ve lived in for 20 years, where you raised your dcs etc...
They might simply not have realised (or have chosen to concentrate on practical stuff to do to sell because it’s an easier subject of conversation)

[Shortfeet]

Can we have a photo? It sounds fab

[SoftBlocks]

I think the garden sounds lovely. I hate ‘ manicured ‘ gardens. And so do lots of other people.

[Witchend]

It seems strange that they're all fixating on the garden if it's as nice as it sounds. Are they doing it when together or all separately? If all separately then maybe it's a bit more scruffy than you think.

If it's all together, then there's your time to say "yes, I really could do with some help to tidy up, can you all come and help me and I'll provide tea and cakes".

When we decided to put our last house on the market, it was a spur of the moment move when we saw a house we liked. It happened to be a week when we were sorting all the children's old toys and clothes out, and had piles in the lounge being cleaned/sorted. The estate agent came to view, and when we asked him any recommendations to help sell he tied himself in knots trying not to say "you need to tidy up". Eventually I came out with it, and he was so relieved!

[LannisterLion1]

Everyone has their own taste, we landscaped the garden here when moving and were happy with the house price so weeds didn't put us off. If there were things like fence replacements and tree surgeons required then people would probably offer less then asking price to rectify those but it won't put everyone off.

Best thing when selling is to be minimalist. Get clutter packed away. People can envision being in a house better when no clutter and they can imagine their things there.

[kaldefotter]

It sounds as though your friends have a failure of imagination, in that they can’t imagine there are people out there who don’t want a pristine rectangle of lawn and 3 pots of flowering bulbs.

Ignore their concern, there will be plenty of people looking for something more natural, or wildlife-friendly, or just wild, or who want to tackle a garden. Sunrises and privacy sound like the lovely starting point for anyone looking for a garden.

[NoSauce]

I’m guessing here that the garden is a bit out of control or overgrown either that or the friends aren’t being very kind and are being a bit pernickety.

It’s hard to say without seeing the actual garden which one is which.

An estate agent will tell you if it needs some more attention or whether it’s actually ok, OP.

I like the sound of it OP.