Friends judging me?

[Ritascornershop]

Am I being overly sensitive or are my friends being insensitive?

I’ve got to sell my much loved house where I’ve raised my kids and where I’ve lived for over two decades. I’m sad about it, but it’s economically unavoidable (bought house from ex when we divorced).

When it comes up my friends (since childhood) look concerned and ask what I need to do to get it ready to sell. Mostly their worried faces are concerned about the garden. I’ll admit it’s not tightly manicured like a show garden with perennial beds that are 50% clean dirt around zinnias. It’s got old roses, lady’s mantle, lilacs, apple trees, lavender etc. I cut the roses twice a year, edge the beds, prune the apple trees every few years. The bushes and plum tree are not shaped, they get whacked back when they’re too big for me.

I think I’m doing pretty well considering I’ve been a single mum for a very long time, kids are now barely grown, I work almost full-time and I’m bloody exhausted.

The friends tend to say “well, people like manicured gardens”, “people might think it needs a lot of work”, “people might be put off by having flower beds to maintain”.

The whole idea of selling and moving is stressful enough, but the tutting is doing my head in. What can I say to cut them off at the pass? And as a side issue, why do people feel the need to offer unasked for judgements on stuff like this?

[Ritascornershop]

Thank all, I definitely am sensitive about it, but at the same time I wish people weren’t quite so free with entirely unsolicited advice.

Where I live it’s actually cheaper to pay the mortgage (as I do have about 2/3rds equity in the house) than it would be to rent. Rents are atrocious! I think I need to firmly repeat “the estate agent says it’s not necessary”.

[restingbitchfacenot]

@Ritascornershop I totally understand your position. After my divorce 12 years I was left homeless with 5 children the youngest was one at the time. We had no where to live we needed up in a homeless hostel.
I'm utterly exhausted being a single parent for the past 12 years bringing up my kids, having to pay rent and work like a dog. But they're older now and help out a lot more.
With time it does get easier. I have to be truthful though, I made the decision not to have a mortgage because I just knew the pressure would be so difficult alone. I've rented since.
My eldest two now in their 20's have left home, have three teenagers at home now.
It is still tough financially but we pull through. I've never received a penny from my ex husband and he hasn't seen his children in 11 years.
Stay strong, you're doing the best you can for yourself and your family. Don't let other people's judgement hinder that.
My heart is with you. ❤️

[OnceFreshFish]

We can't tell the tone over the internet but if they're close friends I'd assume they just felt free to be open and thought their advice would be helpful. Why not just ask the estate agent for their expert advice and if they think it would be worthwhile try and find a cheap gardener to tidy it up a bit.

[restingbitchfacenot]

If they're so concerned perhaps they should sort it out. It sound me a lovely garden that's been used.
Floor the advise of the estate agents and don't worry about them.
I don't think they're being judgemental, I think they're voicing their concerns in the wrong way.
It's a sensitive time for you so don't stress over nonsense.
I hope all works out for you. X

[AlpacaGoodnight]

Your garden sounds perfect! I dislike perfectly manicured gardens as they are high maintenance. One reason we chose our house is that is has a garden similar to yours sounds, it looks lovely and is low maintenance!

[Cohle]

I think a lot of people struggle to just listen, and see offering advice as a way of trying to support you and show they are engaged with what you are saying.

I think often going through a difficult time can make us sensitive to perceived criticism.

[Ritascornershop]

It’s more that I don’t really want them going on about the shoe rack either. There is no way on earth I’d start giving suggestions if one of them was moving, I think it’s rude (unless someone says “what do you see that I don’t that needs fixing?”).

As Loopytiles says, help is “what can I do” not “I’d do this better”.

[Cohle]

And one of them also goes on about how I’ll have to put away the shoe rack (I know), pack away some of the books (I know), and get rid of a few armchairs (I know).

So they are giving good advice that you agree with in relation to other areas of the house? I really do think you need to carefully consider whether you have a bit of blind spot when it comes to the garden.

No one is saying you need to have a patch of lawn and one tree, but lower maintenance gardens may well be desirable in your area.

Obviously it's totally your choice, but I wouldn't assume the worst about friends who (clumsily) seem to be genuinely trying to offer advice.

[SafetyAdvice0FeedWhenAgitated]

People keep going from one extreme to another. It doesn't have to be wild garden full of everything nor a super manicured rectangle of grass or astroturf.
There is a middle.

The garden does look lovely but even as a gardening enthusiast I would either not buy it or factored costs of making it bit easier to care for into my offer.
It's not because people hate nature and such. It's because people have barely any free time and energy. I grew up with garden like this. I loved it! Until I was old enough to start working in it. Then I realised how much time and energy and money gardens like this need to keep them in proper good health and nick. I have much smaller and much simpler garden now still with plenty of flower and veg beds and I can't go just once month to weed it. It would look horrible and weeds don't seem to work well with my veg as well. Even with my simpler garden I get shedload of wildlife from bees to nesting birds.

I hope you get someone who will love it, but it will not be an easy task to find that person imho.

[Ginfordinner]

I much prefer a garden that isn't an overly manicured municipal garden, but for a house to appeal to as many potential purchasers as possible it needs to appear manageable.

This means a good tidy up is all that is required. Given the weather we have had recently it will be difficult though.

[Loopytiles]

“Help” would be stuff like asking OP if she needed any practical help, a day of their time or whatever.

[Loopytiles]

Suggest working on your assertiveness, and shutting down unsolicited negative feedback and imperatives!

[Bluntness100]

I also think your reaction is based in your emotional attachment to the house, you'be not detached so any comments feel like personal critiscm and not people trying to help.

[NoSauce]

If you’re leaving the house you need to think practically about the garden. Detach from it. Get it as trimmed back as possible. You will have more chance of selling.

I suspect your friends are probably right here OP however much it stings. They have seen it in the flesh so to speak. I wouldn’t in your shoes be chancing leaving it, in hope that someone with a love of a garden like yours comes along.

It doesn’t have to be manicured but I would at least get it trimmed back as much as possible.

[Ritascornershop]

Thing is, if I stay put I’m entirely reliant on renting rooms for another 19 years. That’s a long time not to have enough of my own earnings to pay the mortgage. I really don’t want to move, but I can’t save as it is now, and renting part of the house would just cover the mortgage, I still wouldn’t be able to save so if I had no tenant for a month or so I’d be in trouble quickly. And if anything breaks I can’t fix it. So much as I’d love to stay I think moving will give me a lot of peace of mind and security.

[NachoFries]

I love your garden but I do believe that it would be better to market it towards gardeners or young families as it’s seen as a place of adventure. To be honest, much as I love a wildlife/cottage garden, I wouldn’t want to live in house that has one as I can’t seem to grow anything to save my life. On the other hand, my SIL, DP’s sister, and my mother are amazing at gardening and would love a new gardening project.

It’s awesome that your son will be working for a landscaper as that will help define the areas a little more.

It’s clear that you love the house and garden and if you don’t really want to move, would it not be possible to stay put?

[nettie434]

So it doesn’t feel helpful, it feels critical

No - it would come across much better if they had offered to help. I am so rooting for your house to sell in a trice at the exact price you want. Oh and perhaps for it to be bought by someone who has 3 gold medals from the Chelsea Flower show.

[CSIblonde]

I worked in estate agency, it sounds fine. Any way you could stay put? Let a room to exchange students, as they only stay a few weeks, or do Airbnb?

[Ritascornershop]

Cohle, the thing is is that the 3 people who’ve said something are all people who have very tightly controlled square of grass with a single tree type of gardens. Which is fine, but i feel they’re assuming their style preferences are universal. And one of them also goes on about how I’ll have to put away the shoe rack (I know), pack away some of the books (I know), and get rid of a few armchairs (I know). So it doesn’t feel helpful, it feels critical.

[Ritascornershop]

Absolutely no-one round here has AstroTurf. I think council would be down on them like a ton of bricks if they tried.

Thing is, I am not ripping out all the plansta end flowerbeds just in case someone prefers a rectangle of grass. My estate agent hasn’t said that’s necessary. In the spring we’ll spiff it up a bit more than usual, but it’s a cottage garden, it’s not meant to look like a minimalist zen garden.

[Cohle]

I'm sorry you don't feel supported by your friends OP, it sounds like you're in a tough situation.

However I think it can be really hard to be objective about your own property. If several friends, who have actually seen your garden in the flesh, expressed concerns about it unprompted then I think you need to give serious thought to whether it needs a bit of work. I imagine your friends have your best interests at heart, even if they are expressing it clumsily.

[NoSauce]

HollowTalk I think you’re forgetting just how fickle people can be when buying a house. A LOT of viewers can’t see beyond what needs doing and they’re very easily put off by even the smallest thing.

Ripping the garden out and laying AstroTurf would be considered a huge job to some people and to be fair it is a big job.

People want an easy life, if they’ve a young family their budget will be going on redecorating, new carpets, possibly new kitchen/bathroom etc so having to factor in landscaping the garden would imo put people off.

[NoSauce]

NoSauce, I would have assumed your opinion was the vast majority, but the thread seems to indicate there’s a fair amount of people who like a private garden with bushes, roses, and trees

I’ve sold a fair few houses in my time, two with large gardens with quite a lot of trees, bushes, plants etc. Even when I’d had a gardener in for the few months before selling, ( and they were pretty neat and tidy ) some people were worried about how much maintenance they would need and in the feedback the garden were high up on the list of the reason they didn’t proceed.

All I’m saying just because you love it be prepared for someone looking to buy not to.

Let’s hope you get some gardening enthusiasts round though to view. Good luck when the time comes OP.

[Witchend]

Thing is though, I love your garden. I would love wandering through it and being able to get lost between the bushes. It's got a mysterious feel, which I love.

BUT:
I wouldn't want to own it. I don't like gardening, and I see a garden that's overgrown and will need a lot of work to keep it in check.

I think that might be your problem. People that like gardening would be thinking there isn't a lot they can do other than maintenance without taking stuff out, and there's a heck of a lot to do to get it into a good state.
People who don't like gardening will be thinking that if they don't keep on top of it, then it will be totally wild very quickly (says the person who had nearly half her garden covered with brambles earlier in the year)

[HollowTalk]

Surely the thing is that it doesn't matter. If a gardener buys it they will love working in it and redesigning it to suit them. If someone buys it who hates gardening and wants astroturf then they can spend a few hundred on getting it cleared. That isn't much in the scheme of things.

I think if bushes are blocking the light then they should be cut back as that will have an impact on people as they walk around. Yes, they can cut back themselves but they have to be wowed when they walk into a house and if it's dark, that's unlikely to happen.

Love that your house is worth more than your friends' homes, though