To be put off parenting.

[Offtherails12]

I've recently took kinship over two children for various reasons.

I've always been surrounded by younger members of the family but now I'm the one in charge/breadwinner/house slave/parent life is just SO different.

I'm doing the right thing by taking on these wonderful children and there are pros mainly including laughing and unconditional love.

However life is becoming a slug. I was woken up early as the youngest wanted attention, I cleaned the kitchen to high perfection, sorted out bills, caught up on emails, did the laundry and other repetitive tasks. By the time I had got onto laundry the kitchen looked like I didn't clean for a week.. sink filled, crumbs on the side, spilt drink on the counter, empty cereal box left in the cupboard etc etc. I asked the 16 year old to take the rubbish out, which she seemed happily to do but left a little trail which she must of walked past to go back to her pitt. Nobody either seemed to notice that there wasn't a bin bag in the bin which ended up needing to be bleached.

I never thought I'd be a nag or a kill joy. Gosh the next time I see my mum I'm going to thank her and apologise for my attitude as a teen as she was right.

Kind of in a joking way I've told my partner (we don't live together) tonight that I can't do this for another 18 years if we were to have biological children. Tonight I was tempted to drive over to my friend's house to just eat crap food (as all the treats I bought three days ago have been gobbled and the remains left in the cupboard/fridge/table), watch a series on Netflix and turn up again half way next week whenever I feel like but I have responsibilities and can't.

I'm exhausted but at 1am this is the first time I've been able to chill. I'm not struggling or heading towards a breakdown so this isn't a serious thread. More of a AIBU not want responsibilities for at least the next 18 years.

Sounds like my home. The never ending fight the mess battle. Constant fire fighting to control the destruction little people can create. Good luck. But be warned. There will be a day when they are out. The house will be tidy. And u will feel a little lost and a little bored. U might even miss them but immediately following their return it's back to fire fighting the mess and wondering when they might go out again.

You first mistake was cleaning the kitchen to high perfection.....you can only be disappointed following. The trick is to do the minimum...wipe down, sweep up and put away - then leave the cleaning products on the side so if anyone visits they forgive anything that isn't perfect as you look like you are in the middle of cleaning!!

YANBU

If I could turn back the clock with all the knowledge I have now, I would not have children in a million fucking years.

I love them, I do, but I am so permanently stressed.

It's a hard, routined slog every single day but it's a pleasure when it's your own kids. You watch them grow and change by the day and they are yours. It's a different kind of love to anyone else's kids no matter how much you love them.
Your an angel for taking on someone else's kids. I would be beyond sick doing this slog day in day out when you should be having your own life until your ready for your own kids. I wouldn't/couldn't do it

It’s very different when it’s your own kids, but it is a huge adjustment from childless life.
I’m currently awake with my 8 week old... I would rather be asleep, but he won’t be this little for long.
As PP mentioned, it’s amazing watching them change and grow.

You've described life as a mum perfectly! It's a relentless hard slog. (I worked out the other day, when boiling rusk off the carpet, on minimum wage I'd be on 36000 a year for being a mum. Not Inc. overtime. )

But nothing beats your toddler snuggling up to you in their pj's to listen to their bedtime story. Or the way you melt when they smile at you. Or the excitement of taking them somewhere you've been a thousand times and watching the joy on their faces as they explore it for the first time. Or the sense of purpose you get. It's just different when they're yours for life (whether biological or adopted).

Quick hack.... I'm not sure how well it will work with a teenager. But, hide some chocolate in the bathroom cabinet and enjoy a few mins peace sometimes whilst using the toilet! I also have some in my bedside table for when smalls are in bed.

The 16 year old will be gone in a few years, it'll get easier!

I’m not even sure it’s that different when it’s your own TBH.

I couldn’t do it. Raising children seems so hard and thankless! I’d rather sleep, travel and relish the quiet!

That is absolutely what family life is like! Then they smile or do something loveable and your heart goes and you realise you'll do this willingly

Whether biological or not, they are now yours. And yes, it's friggin hard but eventually worth it! You'll all fall into a routine that suits and you'll all learn to balance expectations...
There are bad days and good days.
I woke up late to dog poo and wee, oldest knocked over some plant pots and rode her scooter through it all, refused breakfast and wanted TV on, while the youngest who I've not even gotten dressed yet is sat naked on a blanket has a poop and butt shuffles across it....
Life of a parent is joyful really!
Hide chocolate in silly places like a pp said. I like to put a bar or bag of something amongst pots and pans or places where nobody else goes.. Like a cleaning cupboard...

Why don't you draw up a chore list. The 16yo can do much more than take out the trash.

95% of my parenting has been a slog.

You need to hide chocolate. yy to hiding it in pots and pans.

And yes, it's friggin hard but eventually worth it it’s not worth it for everyone.

Parenting is more than just being a domestic slave.

A previous poster was right - forget about perfection, but definitely have a chat with them about how they can chip in to make it a pleasant place for everyone to live.

By 10 most kids should be able to do basic tasks like change their sheets, put a load of washing on, empty a dishwasher, do a basic sink clean down (wash or put dishes away and wipe down) clear table after a meal etc...

The point is not even to make you life slightly easier. The point is that is does them absolutely no favours from them to believe that these things take care of themselves. Independence doesn't happen overnight. And they won't appreciate what you do for them if they are oblivious to it. But most importantly it's good for their confidence and self esteem to contribute to a household and share responsibility. They might grumble about it. But if they just do some chores you will all be happier for it and it benefits them more than you!

Looking in from the outside, it’s relentless. I never wanted any and never had any. But hats off to you for taking these kids on.

Looking in from the outside, it’s relentless. I never wanted any and never had any. But hats off to you for taking these kids on

Same!! I refused to be Godmother for my cousin just on the off chance that I’d be expected to look after her child should something happen to her. I’d never ever have my own child let alone take on someone else’s. Child rearing is like a life sentence.

I think if everyone was honest then lots of people would turn back time and take the non parental path. It's a thankless job. You need to set some ground rules and get the kids to tidy up after themselves - no leaving crumbs, no leaving dishes in the sink, make beds, hoover etc. Mine still need to be nudged to do these chores but they do them when asked. I commend you for taking the kids on, especially as you had no kids previously - it has to be a big shock to the system when you are used to your own routine. You may have to relax a little on the cleaning front, but definitely let them know that if they make a mess, they have to clean it up. How well they do that may not be up to your standard so deep breaths will be required Best of luck with your new family. It'll all fall into place as time goes on and you all get used to the new arrangement.

It's so different when they are your own... And yes whilst it can seem like a thankless role to take on, what I live for are those moments that only I and my DS have shared together, which at the moment are alot as I am on maternity leave. Yesterday he smiled and laughed all day, today he was grizzly and cried everytime I left the room for a second.. I felt like I was doing everything on fast mode so his cries were minimal. Then tonight I picked him up and he gave me a little squeal, wrapped his little arm around me, and smiled, before feeding and falling asleep peacefully in my arms... I am loving this, they won't remember this as they grow up, but I will remind myself each time they make a mess, tell me not to hug them coz I am embarrassing them and so on...

With getting kids to do chores you need to start them early so by the time they are 16, they know not to trail an exploding bin bag across the kitchen.

You should have got her back, showed her that the floor needed to be cleaned up while cleaning it up. Next time you get her back and get her to clean it herself on her own etc. Yes she may have a screaming fit or a strop but that's normal as she's a teen.

In your kids case - and yes they are yours - they have had a big disruption so loads of their behaviour can be excused, however young adults don't thank parents who don't show them how to basically clean a house.