How can I help him without being a mug?

[Howcanihelpmybro]

Long story so will try and summarise. Also quite outing so NC.
Have a younger brother, 23, who has currently moved in with my DH and I. Parents have passed away and DB has spent the last 5 years staying at friends, my sisters, mine and even a homeless hostel for a while.

Recently, he’s been in a really bad way with his mental health and saying he wants to take his own life. So DH and I said we would let him come back and live with us (he moved out before because he was causing my marriage to breakdown a bit/had no job & was generally taking the piss).

Anyway, so he’s been back with us a month and we have set him up a proper bedroom and everything. He works at the moment (although hates his job so not sure how long it’ll last) but we haven’t asked for any money because we are hoping it’ll be quicker for him to save for a deposit.

The only issue is I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. He eats all the food in the house, leaves all the lights on, takes my wet washing out of the machine and dumps it on the side to put his in. He does try and wash up and help out but I end up having to redo most of it - not because I’m super picky, mainly because it’s still all covered in food.

The thing is, he’s so fragile and just the tiniest thing can set him off and he will just disappear. He won’t see a doctor about his mental health and I’m just stuck. I have a horrible feeling he probably won’t be saving up for a deposit as I know how bad he is with money too.

AIBU to just carry on? What can I do to help him?!

I am torn on this OP. I must imagine for a young man to loose his mother at 18 was quite an ordeal.Not one that could be easily digested.Without having the parental support and 18 is really young still to be sofa surfing for 5 years is unimaginable to me when he must have been feeling so lost and grief stricken,make no wonder his mental health has declined No mum no stability and trying to grow up over night on your own...its the stuff of nightmares.I have had an 18 yr old son hes older now but to imagine him out in the world on his own back then would have been beyond unthinkable.Boys dont tend to mature as quickly as we do sadly. That being said he needs help badly by the sound of it.So do you and your DH.He is looking to you to replace his mum and you can;t be expected to do that however much you love him.He has lost is way.The clumsy attempt at washing up etc is his only way of showing you probably how grateful he is to you with him knowing he is probably a burden.Not a nice place to be in mentally for him.He needs straightening out but not harshly however this cannot continue.I would imagine you will gladly support him all you can as you love him so you need to sit him down and reassure him,maybe try to talk about your mum and see where he feels life is going.Try to be non accusatory to his failings yet reassuring at the same time.You could suggest he goes and sees the gp to arrange some grief counscilling.That would be a good way to start.See if you can get him to open up.Don;t be afraid to say or challenge him because he needs to know he is stuck and you are so concerned cos you love him and want him to be ok.He is probably frightened but not as fragile as you think either,but he does need to talk and to learn how to formulate a plan to start his own life independantly.As for hating his job ignore..we all do hate our jobs at times,thats just letting off steam and not as important as you think.Is he aware if he doesnt like his job he can change and get another? If he feels comfortable with you then change might not seem so scary for him if he knows he has your support. I dont think this mood or the way he is is permenant.I think he is just lost and needs a safety net of you and your husband,,this is ok as long as he is trying to deal with his issues and get his head in a better place.Start with the GP see if they help him...you need to hold his hand a while more and be there whilst slowly slowly showing him a way to be confident.Its a scary world out there made worse by him feeling he doesnt belong anywhere and feeling hopeless...You and your dh sound amazing in trying and being there for him.He needs to some how come out of the fog and be given the coping skills to want to embrace life and how you go about it is tough for you.Its all fallen on you when you are trying to make your life too.Its hard. I wish you and your family and your brother well.Its good and I am sure your mum would be proud of you trying to keep it all together.I am sorry for all of you on your loss of your mum.Best wishes sent. as an after thought maybe you could suggest a flat share for him with a friend? Tat way he wouldnt feel so daunted and alone and he would have some support too by the flatmate? But Idoubt he would be willing to that til his head is cleared and he feels more in control of life.

Thank you for such a long reply. The issue is he point blank refuses to get any professional help. I keep asking if I can take him to the GP but he thinks talking will make it ‘more real’ (although not sure how much more real it can get)!

Charge him rent but save it up for him without his knowledge so he has a nice amount for a deposit.

That's tough.

He's clearly traumatised and that can take a long time to be able to start working through - he's still so young.

I do get what he means about talking about it making it real. There is something about saying something awful aloud that makes it instantly hit home that all those feelings you've been trying to push away are real and there's nothing you can do to change what's happened.

I'm not really sure what to suggest. People need to be ready to work on trauma and grief. And it's not a quick thing. A few tablets or being told not to be lazy won't fix it.

I wonder if it would help you to do a bit of reading about trauma and how losing parents affects teenagers/young people (as it's not the same as for adults or children, or for other losses). Just because it might help you in understanding the behaviour you're seeing, find ways you can cope, find ways you can respond to him that might be more helpful (for all of you) than how you perhaps have in the past, feel better equipped to support, etc...

Relationships go two ways, so it's possible there are things you're doing with the best of intentions that might inadvertently be making things tougher. And doing something about that is at least within your power. I'm not blaming you for the situation, you're obviously very caring, I'm just reflecting on things you can influence while he's still not ready to seek out MH services.