Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To want christmas at home

39 replies

Alwayshangryhangry · 19/10/2019 19:20

For the past 3 years, we have been going to my sister's house for Christmas. My dh has wanted christmas at home each year but as ds has been going through a divorce, it always felt the right thing to go to her house. This year, we'd planned on staying at home (as last year the 2 hour drive with a baby and toddler and all the presents was tough). However, sis has found out that her ds is going to spend christmas with his dad for the first time. My sis has said how much she wants us all to go so she isnt on her own. My dh would go again but I feel each year he's not spending it how he wants to and each year I choose my sister! Please help!

OP posts:

TriciaH87 · 19/10/2019 22:31

It's easier for her to travel alone than for you to travel. If her child is supposed to be staying with dad thenshe makes it clear that she will not be home to come back to for that night. Its not fair to put you out travelling everytime. If you do it this year she will say next year dc really wishes you were here for Christmas then the year after it will be she's alone again.

YouTheCat · 19/10/2019 23:07

Ball in her court - invite her then if she declines that is on her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2019 23:13

Ball in her court - invite her then if she declines that is on her.

You need to prioritise your husband and young DC. You’ve all been very accommodating and there will always be something. If her DS is with his dad this year he’ll probably be with her next year and she’ll say you have to go there so it’s a big family do for him and if you don’t it’ll just be the two of them.

Original poster

Alwayshangryhangry · 20/10/2019 12:29

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the advice. I feel rotten doing it but agree I should prioritise my dh too!

OP posts:

thecatsthecats · 20/10/2019 12:47

Since you are clearly a sympathetic would it help to think of it this way?

Your sister is clearly very good at setting her expectations and asking for what she wants - and getting it. I mean, she's got her own way with you for three years?

But your husband, and almost certainly your children have wants and needs too. And you always give in to your sister nonetheless, even though there's an obvious compromise.

Why would you do that? That's the man you chose to marry and have kids with. Those are your kids. There's a perfectly reasonable option for your sister. Why do they come last?

My husband is very accommodating and sweet. I have to make sure that I don't treat him as a pushover for my wants because if I left it up to him, he would let me have my own way every time - it's very easy to come up with reasons why things should be done MY way - I know your sister's game! Fortunately I have scruples. I don't let my husband let himself be a pushover.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 20/10/2019 18:49

Sooner you tell her the new arrangements too the better you will feel.Putting it off will stress you out no end.Who knows she might get a better invitation between now and then? Ring her tell her how it is and put it to bed for your own sanity too OP. Your own family should come first and its not your fault that her marriage has gone pear shaped.You are not responsible for her emotional well being as an adult she is....

Original poster

Alwayshangryhangry · 20/10/2019 19:04

@thecatsthecats in previous years my child has wanted to go too so it's made the decision easier for me and dh. I get what you mean though, I have thought too much about sis and not dh. I just find it hard to think of anyone feeling alone or sad and knowing I could help.

OP posts:

YukoandHiro · 20/10/2019 19:09

I see your point about her wanting to be near in case her dc wants to come home. So why don't you host her before/after eg have a boxing way celebrartion at yours with her and her son too? Maybe she might actually like a say to herself to just be?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/10/2019 08:37

OP I have re read your thread and I have to say (and I am not being mean ) that I think this thread isn;t about your DH or your sister.Its about you.What you think you should be doing,your feelings and your I don;t know what I am trying to say really but your loyalties seem a bit all over the place if you get my drift! You sound like you have a need to be with your sister to try to protect her and make everything better for her and you just can;t be everything to everybody nobody can with the best will in the world.Someone will always loose out. I think you want to go to your sisters if you do thats fine but its more of why don;t you want to be at home at christmas? I may be way off on a tangent on my thoughts but do you like to be needed? It may be as simple as that but your husband needs you too. It sounds like you are really trying to help your sister and thats brilliant but equally you cannot prioritise anything above your own marriage.I know you feel you should be the rock for your sister and I get how much you obviously care for her but I think it may help you to have a think as to why you do this at the sake of your husband who has also been very kind too for these past 3 years. I was like you in a different way but you cannot save everyone you just can;t.Thats what I mean when I said its about you and how you feel and what obligations you have put upon yourself.Your husband may want to be at home..your sister may want to have you all there ultimately it will be you who decides.I think sister will win again but it will be to satisfy your need to be there not hers or your husbands.Hope you get what I am trying to say.I am not being offensive really I am not just wanted you to have a good think about you and why you are so torn on what should be a simple issue to solve...

1Morewineplease · 21/10/2019 09:25

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe.

You’ve hit the nail on the head here.

Original poster

Alwayshangryhangry · 21/10/2019 19:04

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe I appreciate your response but I really dont want to be needed. I want to stay at home with my lovely family and have a lovely day. But, my aibu is about whether it's horrible to do that when i'm making someone who is going through a tough time have an even tougher time.

OP posts:

onthecoins · 21/10/2019 19:16

Have you actually invited her?

Tell her she's very welcome to join you but you want to be in your own home this year.

Original poster

Alwayshangryhangry · 21/10/2019 21:58

@onthecoins yes, but she doesnt want to be too far from ds.

OP posts:

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 21/10/2019 22:05

@onthecoins yes, but she doesnt want to be too far from ds

Then it's her choosing to be on her own, not you. You've given her an option that means she'll have company over Christmas but she's choosing not to take it. I'd make it clear that the invitation stands, she is very welcome, but that this year you'll be staying at home.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.