Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex buying Dc things rather than pay maintenance.

24 replies

GirlOnIt · 19/10/2019 17:51

Agreement is between us and he does pay more than the legal amount, although he’s now self employed so he could get away with paying much less if he wanted to.

He’s always paid and is good at buying extras for our Ds, clothes, toys etc. I’m pregnant (ex’s baby) and he asked what I still needed for baby, mentioned a few things I haven’t got.

Anyway, he collects ds yesterday and gives me some things for the baby. Usually maintenance is paid into my account weekly on Fridays but it wasn’t yesterday. Thought it was probably a oversight so left it until today when he returned Ds to ask him. His answer “no I bought the baby things instead”. I said that doesn’t count and he should at least pay the minimum amount as that’s towards Ds’s basic upkeep surely. He disagrees and says he spent xxx amount on baby stuff, more than he’d normally pay and I’m being ungrateful.

I know legally he’s under no obligation to pay for anything for the unborn baby (which is a bit shit in itself really). But I’m right in that if he has done so, that shouldn’t effect what he pays for the child we already have or am I looking at it wrong?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 19/10/2019 17:53

I agree in principle. Does he pay masses over what he has to? And how much did he spend on baby stuff?

Fuzzywig · 19/10/2019 17:55

I agree with you. He has offered/you have agreed on a cash amount on a weekly basis. He should stick to the agreement and any changes should be agreed.

I think your best bet is to go through the CMS.

Littlebluebird123 · 19/10/2019 18:08

I'd say in theory you're right. But I can see why he thought he was.
In the interests of going forward smoothly, it might be better to just write this one off (if you can), and explain that it was a kind idea but going forward it's more practical for you to have the regular money as you can budget for both children that way. Or something like that.
Not least because if he's paying more than you'd get through CMS it seems sensible to keep it amicable. Grin

TimeforanotherChange · 19/10/2019 18:11

I'd have given him a blank look and said, 'That's our food for the week. My money has gone on the bills - what am I supposed to do now to feed DS? He can't eat babygrows....'

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 19/10/2019 18:13

Not masses over @TidyDancer. Probably about £20/30 a week.
He has spent a lot, but because he's bought expensive versions of things that I'd have bought cheaper.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/10/2019 18:18

You are right. And he will need to increase his payments once the baby is born anyway as he will have 2 children to provide for.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 19/10/2019 18:20

Annoyingly, he gave me money toward the big stuff for baby, but didn't take that out of maintenance. I only really told him some bits I could still do with to help him feel involved.

I can manage without this week, just don't want it to become a regular thing. I'm on mat leave now so money is a bit tight.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 19/10/2019 18:23

Would most of you leave it? I'm tempted to ask for the receipts for the baby things and return them

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 19/10/2019 18:33

Sounds like someone is in his ear. He’s not being very fair on you on your DS

namina · 19/10/2019 18:46

Agree with previous poster sounds like someone is in his ear telling him that if he bought baby stuff then he shouldn't give you maintenance. This happened with my ex and it was his work colleagues.

RushianDisney · 19/10/2019 18:52

I agree with pp, keep things amicable if he is usually fair, and just say you'd like changes to the maintenance to be discussed in future.

Napmum · 19/10/2019 18:57

Ok agree someone's been in his ear. I would just tell him that it was a nice gesture and that it's ok as a one off. Buy you have a budget because you're on mat leave now and that you would have bought more budget items and then had more money for food and heating bills for the children. Just ask him if next time he can let you know if he's intending to do this and then you can negotiate. A quick text saying "I know you wanted? and it costs x so I will pay y-x next week if that's ok?" doesn't take long and stops you getting messed up. Try to keep it amicable because it sounds like he's trying to do his best and as you pointed out as he's self employed he could.screw you over if he wished.

PettyContractor · 19/10/2019 18:59

Under the circumstances, I would be nice and explain that you don't like it when other people spend your money without consulting you on how it should be spent, and ask him not to do that again.

Ginger1982 · 19/10/2019 19:01

Does he not realise that he has to pay for both kids? Buying stuff for baby number 2 doesn't negate the fact that he still owes for baby number 1.

WaningGibbous · 19/10/2019 19:02

Still a controlling arse, isn't he? You need to give them back to him. He's bought expensive versions of things you need, if you'd had the money you'd have money for bills as well as the stuff.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 19/10/2019 19:19

Don't think anyone's in his ear, he's not in a relationship and his parents wouldn't think like that.
I've text that he needs to ask before buying things with maintenance money and that I presumed buying things for his children was a extra that he wanted to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 19/10/2019 19:21

That's my worry @WaningGibbous.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 19/10/2019 19:23

Sorry posted too soon @WaningGibbous. He says he spent more than he'd normally give though so he thinks he's being more than reasonable.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 19/10/2019 19:37

Maintenance money is for you to spend as the dc need. Food, heat etc.

If he wants to buy extras then that's up to him.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 19/10/2019 20:00

Which is what I also think @MadeForThis. He seems to disagree though.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 20/10/2019 09:58

Well he transferred some money this morning, with the reference 'to feed our child'. Angry
I'm guessing that's in reference to me saying that I budgeted with maintenance included, so it goes on good, bills etc.

OP posts:
Napmum · 20/10/2019 15:11

That's great I expect he'll calm down as well, since he's already backed down. The main thing is he sent some money and made a point of saying what it's for which means he's been listening. He sounds pretty reasonable in that he disagreed but still paid up. Hopefully now you've set the ground rules he'll keep to them.

It's always difficult with the people you marry whether you are still together or not. I hope this stays reasonably stress free and amicable

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 20/10/2019 15:37

You see, I didn't read his message as him understanding @Napmum. I read it as a dig 'money to feed Ds because I can't afford to feed him'. But that's maybe me being annoyed with him and he meant it genuinely.

OP posts:
bellabasset · 20/10/2019 17:03

As baby 2 isn't here he doesn't need to give you anything yet until the baby has arrived. So he needs to understand what he is giving you atm is for ds and not the baby.

Tell him that if he has extra money he wants to spend on the baby that's really lovely and he's a wonderfully generous dad. Suggest he discusses purchases beforehand though so that he doesn't overspend on items the baby won't use for long.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread