AIBU - holiday with ex and kids?

[Thewr0ngtrousers]

A few days ago my partner (of 17 years) told me she no longer loved me and ended our relationship. We have two kids both still in junior school who haven't been told yet.

Due to finances we are still living together and probably will do for some time. However we are due to go on a family holiday next week.

I'm conflicted as to whether or not to go. My current stance is that I would prefer not to go. Should I rethink?

On the one hand the kids are looking forward to us all being together and it will be the last holiday they will have like that. So I don't want to spoil it.

However on the otherside, I feel pretty raw emotionally at the moment, have broken into tears spontaneously a few times and really don't know if I can cope mentally with a holiday this close to a breakup (while my ex has been thinking about it for ages, I've obviously had my head in the sand).

I have suffered from depression, stress and anxiety in the past (a few years ago now), including small breakdowns. While I don't necessarily think anything would happen on holiday, I just don't know and think given the circumstances a confined space is going to be emotionally charged and will only intensify my feeling of upset and loss. I'm already having a hard time hiding my emotions from the kids. I really don't want the kids to witness anything that would also spoil their holiday.

I thought I was being reasonable saying I wouldn't go, and explained why I thought it best. My ex says l am being stupid and should just grow up and get on with it.

Am I? Should I? Any advice welcome. Thanks.

I think your instincts are correct. You are in emotional turmoil and trying to put on a pretence in front of the children will take an enormous toll on your mental health.

You've had no time to get used to this. How about you stay home and get some emotional support from family and friends and start to make some practical arrangements for this separation?

I think that if her comment is that you are stupid and should just grow up and get on with it then its pretty clear this is going to be a messy scenario. Do not go - use the time to start preparing the practicalities of this split...

Thanks for the advice appreciated. I think I must have posted this twice (whoops).

Could you just tell the kids you have to unexpectedly stay at work? I think having space will be better for you. But that way they aren't upset before they go. Then when they return you can start to get them used to the idea of the break up.

@Mumdiva99

That's the plan.

Regarding spending the time for planning my part of the split and getting my head straight. I was going to spend the week doing just that.

Problem is we share a business and I've been told I should be working all week if I'm not going, and will have to sort my head out in my own time.

If she’s decided to end the relationship, why does she imagine she gets to tell you what to do in your own time?

Surely she doesn't get to say that though - you were going to take the week off anyway. She sounds like she's been quite nasty.

Thanks, I feel she is being unreasonable too, but when I say this I just get a list of times when she perceived me being unreasonable and so that makes it okay (I dont know if i was, most likely some, maybe not others, there was one example from 6 years ago).

My head is so messed up I'm second guessing everything.

Sorry you are going through this
But if you share a business and were both going on holiday who was going to look after it while you were away or were you planning on shutting down for the week ? Why not stick to that plan. Your wife/partner can't order you to work. If you are that worried don't tell her you won't be working. Use the week to sort your own stuff out. Check business and personal accounts make sure she can't clear everything out whilst away or when she is back.
Take care.

Tell her you're going on a different holiday so can't work. Tell the kids something has come up at work. Take the time to get your head together

It was going to be shut for the week, that's why I thought it unfair to tell me to work when I said I wasn't going on the holiday.

I think her timing is very unfair to you, she coukd have waited until after the holiday to tell you she wanted to end it (I ended a significant relationship after a holiday despite knowing it was over beforehand and made the effort for it to be a nice holiday).

So having just dropped this bombshell I don't think it's fair for her to expect you to act like nothing has happened.

I wouldn't work either, use the week to get yourself together (so you can emotionally cope when you next see the kids) and get your affairs in order, ie talk to a, solicitor.

If you feel that your mental health is suffering then book an appointment with your doctor before it gets worse.

Hi Op, just thought I'd check on you. Are you ok ?