AIBU - holiday with ex and kids?

[Thewr0ngtrousers]

Hope no one minds me posting this, i just wanted to get a different perspective.

A few days ago my partner (of 17 years) told me she no longer loved me and wanted to end our relationship. We have two kids both still in junior school. They haven't been told yet.

Due to finances we are still living in the same house and probably will do for some time. However we are due to go on holiday as a family next week.

Should I go on this holiday or not? I'm very conflicted as to whether or not it would be for the best. My current stance is that I would prefer not to go. But should I rethink?

On the one hand the kids are looking forward to us all being together and it will be the last holiday they will have like that. So I don't want to spoil it by not going.

However on the otherside, I feel pretty raw emotionally at the moment, have broken into tears spontaneously a few times and really don't know if I can cope mentally with a holiday this close to a breakup (while my ex has been thinking about it for ages, I've obviously had my head in the sand).

I have suffered from depression, stress and anxiety in the past (a few years ago now), including several small breakdowns. Now I try to keep things under control by avoiding difficult situations. While I don't necessarily think anything would happen on holiday, I just don't know and think given the circumstances a confined space is going to be emotionally charged and will only intensify the feeling of upset and loss. I'm already having a hard time hiding my emotions from the kids. If something happened I really don't want the kids to witness anything like that as it would also spoil their holiday.

I thought I was being reasonable saying i wouldn't go, and explained why I thought it best. My ex says l am being stupid and should just grow up and get on with it.

Am I? Should I? Any advice welcome.

This is a difficult one but I would say that you are probably better not going. Going will mean being constantly reminded of what it could be, probably feeling desperate to have it back, knowing there is nothing you can do to do so.

I also don't think it would help the kids. If you go and announced the separation afterwards, it will only leave them more confused and heartbroken.

Being away from some time will probably help facing the reality of what life will be and prompt you to take your life in your hands and take actions yourself rather than waiting for your ex to decide your future.

Break-ups are awful, but do keep faith than many go through it thinking they'll never be happy with anyone else again, to find themselves so happy that it happened when they found someone who makes them much happier.

How on Earth are you supposed to get on with things when you have had no time and space to grieve? Can you afford counselling?

As far as the holiday goes, I think some time away from your wife might be beneficial so you can start coming to terms with your new reality. Maybe this is the time to explain to your kids what is going on (with input from your wife, and loads of reassurance for them)?

Sorry you're going through this

Your ex seems to want everything their own way. Why should they get to do the holiday or stay in the house when it’s them that wants out?

Grow up and get on with it ? What a cruel thing to say to you. You've just been blindsided by this - your partner has obviously been planning it so she is fully comfortable with the situation.

You've got nothing to lose by refusing to go - she has already ended your relationship . Just say "thanks but no thanks" . Your kids need to know what is going on - and to know that it is their mother's idea to split. Don't let her get away with telling them it was a mutual decision when it isn't.

You can spend the time alone, thinking things through and letting your emotions out in private. Best wishes to you.

No, absolutely not. Poor you. She just dumped you and now expects you to go to on holiday with her and kids to play 'happy families' as if nothing has happened? Just no. It would be dreadful for you and not any better for the kids as the atmosphere would be awful.

You should take the kids and go, without your ex. She dumped you, so she can sit this one out, and she can organize a separate holiday with kids if she wants.

I went on a major holiday mid-divorce (which was my instigation). It was fine, we had fun and the kids had a great time - despite knowing the full truth of the situation. BUT. Everyone's situation is different - I am lucky that I've managed to maintain an amicable relationship. If you're struggling emotionally and you feel it would be too much you are not being unreasonable to say no you don't want to go.

Your kids need to know what is going on - and to know that it is their mother's idea to split. Don't let her get away with telling them it was a mutual decision when it isn't.

I disagree with this - your kids absolutely don’t need to know who has instigated the split, it will help them in no way whatsoever. They need to know that their lives are about to change and that their parents both love them and will make that as easy as possible for them. Blame is unhelpful for children.

Re the OP - I think your wife is being horribly unfair in dismissing your feelings - it would be incredibly difficult to be together, acting like a happy family, when you’re trying to come to terms with this new reality. Obviously none of us know the circumstances of your marriage or the reasons behind your wife’s feelings, but sometimes I think people act like this because they don’t want to see the pain that their decisions cause - but it’s not fair to expect you to put on a brave face just so she can feel better about her choice, especially if you feel this may compromise your mental health. I’d say it’s your decision whether to go, but I think most people would understand if you chose not to.

@ShippingNews
"Your kids need to know what is going on - and to know that it is their mother's idea to split."

Yes if you want to fuck them up. Marriages end for all kinds of reasons and it isn't always the fault if the person who instigates the split. People shouldn't be forced into staying in bad marriages.

" I have suffered from depression, stress and anxiety in the past (a few years ago now), including several small breakdowns"

Is this when you had children? Have you still been able to be a good parent, or has she always picked up the pieces? She might feel that you kop out of being a parent.

Would you make an appointment with your GP to get help to get through this?

There's got to be some consideration for your children and if you aren't capable then respect for your partner, for taking over.

There's no one answer to whether you should go, but it would be better for the children if you did.

"You've got nothing to lose by refusing to go - she has already ended your relationship . Just say "thanks but no thanks" "

Just be aware that it's your children that you are saying that to.

Thanks all, a lot to think about. Although we definitely wont tell the kids until we're ready, and I won't be blaming anyone, these things do just happen sometimes.

@Ponoka7

Some very good points, thanks.

It was about 4/5 years ago now. I did see a gp at the time however the ad's just made me tired all the time. I'm concerned about going back on them as I've found exercise far more effective for dealing with mental health problems. And no I didn't stop being a good parent.

There is an element of her feeling like I didnt do enough, but not to the extent I was kopping out of parenting or to any detriment to the kids, just that she needed more help.
However, this was never raised until now, I was just supposed to know. We have always just divided up tasks we were better at and I assumed that it was fair, maybe in hindsight it wasn't although I'm still not sure. Her main issue seems to be that she wants someone to love.

I appreciate that I'm effectively saying no to my kids as well by not going, its just my head is all over the place as this has only happened in the last few days so not sure it's going to be a particularly healthy atmosphere.

I wouldn’t go if it will only cause you more stress.

I would also tell the children sooner rather than later, so they understand that things will be different.

Your ex sounds very insensitive. Do you want to be stuck in a hotel with her?