to think he's having a breakdown?

[80skid]

Married for many years. Happily I thought. 3 kids, 2 preschool. Lovely, beautiful, full of life, well behaved kids with age appropriate sibling spats and disobedience. Nothing unexpected with 3 kids. I've been SAHM
for a few years.
Husband formerly worked all of the hours until a change of employment, which has adversely affected our financial situation. I was largely alone with the kids apart from weekends when he caught up or was exhausted. He's a good dad, involved, loved, loving.
For the past 6 months or more he's worked from home. He's much more involved, it was great to start with. However I have noticed over the past few weeks that he speaks to me in a superior and condescending way sometimes. He's always quick to blame our eldest if there is any spat between the kids - eldest (8) remarks that he gets told off for helping, so he won't bother (DH tends to incorrectly jump to conclusions and shout before finding out what the issue is). He either ignores the kids and leaves it all to me, or wades in and blames eldest without knowing the facts. He will not listen to me - either it's the wrong time to talk, I'm on his case, I'm ruining his evening etc etc. When I try to talk, he talks over me or storms off.
This isn't him. Our marriage was/is happy. It is only his behaviour towards the children which is the issue. He has unreasonable non age appropriate expectations of them. I think what frightens me is that his father was and us an awful dad. He took credit for the success but played no positive part in his childhood. He is a bully. MiL has had an awful life with him. Sometimes I think DH is stressed, adjusting, finding his way in the established home life I have forged over the lady few years. But then I think maybe he's more like his dad than I would like to think, that he's opting out of parenting that doesn't involve simply shouting at a problem until it concedes. He has no respect for his dad but continues to have a lot to do with him.
AIBU to hope this is a breakdown? If this is natural personality progression and he ends up like his vile father, this relationship is toast. Any advice gratefully received

Nothing you've said suggests he's suffering from a major mental health problem. I'm sorry, but he just sounds like an arsehole. You said that he used to work long hours. He wasn't parenting so much and he didn't have so many opportunities to communicate with you. Now he's around more, you're getting a better feel for who he is/what he's like as a father/family man.

He's not a good father.

Why did he leave the old job if it financially was good (long hours is often the normal sacrifice for good pay in London where I live. ) Is he worried about money & missing the old job & struggling to adapt? Working from home is a big adjustment, no workmates to go for coffee with or bitch about your crap boss to, no set structure etc. Some people really miss the social side of work & being around their peers all day.

He sounds like a wanker to be honest.

He is usually a good father. Of late, I have tired of him playing "fun dad" while I do all of the homework nagging, discipline etc. He seems to have responded by only shouting at them, which is unreasonable and unhelpful. We watched Preacher and he has developed a Preacher "do what I command" voice which is particularly unhelpful.

He's never been like this before. This evening he has stormed off after I undermined him by trying to explain that what he was telling eldest off for wasn't actually eldest's fault. I am apparently encouraging bad behaviour and all of our children are apparently badly behaved (eldest took badly to his unjust telling off) and he stormed off, presumably to the pub. They're not - they are children and they are childish. I've just noticed his pillow has disappeared off the bed too. Completely over the top behaviour. He missed out on bedtime cuddles because he was sulking - the kids were totally over it.
I'm sure this is all out of character. But I'm not sure how long I can cope with adult tantrums whilst bringing up 3 children alone

Doesn’t sound like a breakdown. Sounds more like he’s very busy or out of his depth at work, has no patience left, just wants a quiet life without kids squabbles or an interfering wife to have to reason with. He probably misses the quiet office he used to have (or wherever he worked). Perhaps he gave it up to save money.

His temper may appear next.

Sod that for a game of soldiers.

You need to talk about this. If he won’t talk it’s time to put up with it all and shut up or split up. Hopefully he will confide in you what’s worrying him and you can work together to fix it. You can’t go on like this indefinitely. It’s a lot of responsibility having a wife and three children relying on you financially. Perhaps he just needs reminded that this wont be for ever and that you can get employment part time once the kids are at school and that will help financially. He hasn’t got much of a life if all he does is work and can’t enjoy his children at the weekend as he’s exhausted.

You only have one life. Do you all want to spend the rest of it like this?

Hi OP

I would hazard a guess that he is yielding to his upbringing in how he interacts with his kids

I think most people do this. Its engrained. If you have been brought up to adulthood I'm a particular way I really think its incredibly difficult to act in a different way. I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour but help you understand it. I think just people have moments of 'turning into' their parents under pressure but for most people its harmless phrases not stinging comments that stay with you.

I just say this because if that's the case then its genuinely hard for him to change even if he wants to and will need a different approach to 'you're acting like an arsehole'. It will need more of an 'remember when your parents said this and that's how you felt...well the situation tonight was like this so how di you think the 8 year old felt...what do you want to do about it...type chat