Aibu to stop volunteering

[Holymolymackerel]

I volunteer at my son's school for 9 hours a week because I have the time and it helps in these cash strapped times.
Through this I have gotten to know the teacher especially as son also as special needs so I know the staff and meet with them more regularly than an average parent.
This week my Dh was badly attacked at work (public services) I told school because the kids were upset and I couldn't help at school this week.
The teacher gave me her personal mobile number if I needed it in an emergency.

The rest of the staff have not asked how he is including the nurture manager who supports my son.

A couple of days later, the teacher told me that she had told the head that she had given me her number and the head said to her to tell me to destroy it because it's not appropriate despite it being the teacher's personal number presumably she can do what she like with it.

I have supported and helped the school all this time and in my hour of need I feel abandonned. No 'are you ok? ' no, how is dh? No , can we help the kids at school etc.

I feel so un valued and used. Is it because I am an unpaid rather than paid etc.

The ironic thing is I would never have used the phone number but at the time it meant a lot because it felt someone was on our side and believe me when your dh is having x rays and ct scans and is very confused, it feels like the world is against you.

Thank you

I imagine the head was viewing you as a parent rather than a member of staff when she said you should not have the number. Quite mean in the circumstances but perhaps she has seen things go badly in the past.

It’s sad nobody has thought to ask if you are ok but I guess everyone is so busy. I would not give up your work because it benefits the children and they have done nothing wrong.

Bit confused; you say you volunteer yet you mention it helping in 'cash strapped times'. You are either a volunteer or a paid member of staff. The rules regarding personal details will be different depending.

That is bad that they didn't ask about your husband as you are there for 9 hours a week so it is like you are a member of staff. It does sound like the teacher was trying to be supportive though and it is not her fault she was told to tell you not to keep her number.

I wouldn't give it up if you actually like it. It might be a good way of getting a job later on and as it is voluntary at least you can just attend when you feel like it.

Hope your husband gets better soon.

puppy - I think the OP was referring to 'cash strapped times' in education not herself

Oh right

Totally misread the OP

I am not a paid member of staff. They let a TA go at the end of her contract so one TA is spread across the two classes so I offered to do the admin side of things eg photocopying, wall displays, listening to children read etc to free up the TA so she could support the two classes.

you mention it helping in 'cash strapped times'.

It's the school which is cash strapped, obviously.

Maybe there's good reasons for rules on personal contact details, but in this instance the HT seems not to have been allowing a bit of compassion to apply.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time without support. Probably you need to step back from volunteering for a while to take care of your family, but it sounds like you do useful work and it would be a pity longer term if the kids lost out.

Yanbu

Sounds to me like they aren't valuing your time that you give up for free to help them every week, except the one nice teacher who gave you her number

Everyone else sound like bitches

Sounds like poor communication to me- sometimes people don’t ask because they are afraid to upset you. Particularly if they know they only have a moment between classes and cannot afford the time to support you if you burst into tears.

The phone number thing is really tricky. I can see why you feel you have crossed the bridge from parent helper to colleague/friend with the teacher but the situation is blurred and I don’t entirely blame the HT for her stance. At least whilst your DC are being taught by this particular teacher.

You are taking this far too personally. The telephone number blurs boundaries and you are parent first and foremost. School will have a policy and this may breech it.

As long as your dc are ok there would be no need to keep asking them, in fact it may be that school is seen as an opportunity to escape any stress at home. Whether you continue to volunteer is probably best left until the situation with your dh has recovered rather than be overhasty. Hope he is ok.

It's the school which is cash strapped, obviously.

Well I picked it up incorrectly, but is there any need for the 'obviously'? It wasn't obvious to me, I made a mistake, that's all.

there's this thing called austerity. school budgets have been very tightly squeezed. I imagine that is what OP meant be "cash-strapped"

Yes I made a mistake. No need for the snide 'there is this thing..' comment. It was an error.

I felt this when I was a parent helper. I did it for years. Although the class teacher sometimes told me he appreciated my work no one else at the school did or even acknowledged me. I felt very undervalued. When I was informed that I wasn’t allowed to use the staff room and was expected to drink my coffee in the library or the corridor I just sacked them off. Ungrateful bastards.
OP I hope your husband has a swift recovery x

Hi OP I have worked as a volunteer coordinator (i.e. I was paid member of staff supporting the volunteers). It's good practice to treat volunteers the same as paid staff which isn't happening in this case.for starters who is your manager or coordinator supporting you? If you don't know then speak to the head teacher but do tell someone you do not feel supported or considered and how being offered the mobile number made you feel and how you feel when told to destroy it. I hope you have signed a volunteer agreement which covers things like child confidentiality and not passing on or misusing information you aquiresd in your role, this should cover the teachers number so that you don't misuse it. After all paid colleagues would have each others personal numbers even if their children went to the school!

If you're not happy with the their response after you've told them how you feel then stop. After all 9 hours a week is a massive amount of money that they are saving!

It's never wrong to stop volunteering. That's why it's called volunteering. Because it is voluntary.

If it's will help you to feel better about the situation, then you absolutely stop volunteering.

Be aware though that the person that will miss you will be the one who was kind and thoughtful towards you. It won't make a difference to anyone else.

The way you feel is understandable, but tbh, plenty of paid staff in schools feel undervalued and taken advantage of, you at least can feel that it's benefitting your own child in some way. The school day is very busy, if people haven't asked about your dh it won't be because no one gives a shit, it's just that they're busy thinking of other things and won't have time to get into a proper conversation with you about it.

It's good practice to treat volunteers the same as paid staff which isn't happening in this case.

I completely disagree with this when it comes to parent helpers in schools. They are parents, not staff, and while the OP in this case seems to have the best of intentions, plenty of parents just want to be in school for their own and their children's benefit. I agree with schools that don't allow parent volunteers in the staff room. Staff need a space to be able to talk about things confidentiality and to have a bit of a moan when they need to, parents should not be allowed to damage that. They don't have to spend the whole day a thing school in the same way that teachers and TAs do, they are free to leave the building if they want a break. It's not the same as volunteering in most other capacities.

Nailsneeddoing when I say it's good practice I mean that that is what is expected by organisations that use volunteers by community volunteer services, it's not mandatory but a really good idea if you want people to continue to do stuff for free. As in it's good practice to offer patients in gp surgeries a text reminder service.

After all as a rough estimate she is saving them £3,300 a year. OP remember that figure as it's based on a new starter TA wage plus 20% for additional staffing costs.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel you haven't had the support you wanted.
Hopefully your dh is recovering. I don't have any advice as such, but , like you I have felt under valued whilst volunteering.
I volunteered for a hospice charity, in a few roles for 7 years. In the shop , and as a befriender.
When my mother had cancer ( not in my area) I went to hers to care for her until she passed away ( a few months ) I contacted the charity to keep them informed about not being able to volunteer due to distance and circumstances .
My mum died , and despite me telling them etc, I did not receive any sympathy , telephone calls , support etc.
Did I return to volunteering ? like fuck did I

I am not sure it is good practice in schools to treat volunteers the same as paid members of staff. For example, staff in schools have specific statutory requirements that apply to them, and these would not apply to a parent volunteer. I imagine it's also very tricky in primary schools where there is a parent volunteering with their child's own class and there are issues with confidentiality etc, which there wouldn't be with a paid TA.

I also disagree that you can say OP is saving the school £3,300. I am sure if the school had the money to spare, they would hire a TA regardless of any helpers. Also, a paid TA would be deployed where there was most need, not in a class of their choice. It also sounds like OP only does some of the duties that would be expected of a TA. This is not to minimize what the OP does, of course it's really valuable, but a parent helper can never replace a paid member of staff in a school.

OP- I do think it's rubbish that no-one asked how your husband was, although I can think of reasons why each individual might not have done so. I can see how that would have really hurt you, though.

However, I do think the head has done the right thing in advising the class teacher to delete your phone number. I think it blurs boundaries and ultimately, schools/teachers have to be very careful about this sort of thing.

I think you need to separate out the issues here:

1. Are school supporting your children appropriately? If not, this is an issue that should be taken up with the school. This may lead you to feel unable to volunteer.

2. Do you feel undervalued as a volunteer? If so, you could stop volunteering, but think about who this will impact the most -i.e. the kids and the class teacher who you like.

If you continue to volunteer, you do need to accept that schools will usually treat unpaid volunteers differently to paid staff. There are good and valid reasons for this. The school's priority always should be the safety and wellbeing of students.

Thank you for your comments.

DH is getting there , still in a lot of pain but ok. Hopefully have stitches out tomorrow.

The class teacher was nice for giving me her phone number and you're right for saying that it would affect the teacher the most when she was nice.

Sorry I don't have any advice and I don't know what I'd do either, but I'm sorry you've been through such a rough time. What happened to your DH sounds horrible. It sounds like the school have taken you for granted. Maybe it's time to consider something else instead?