to think I’m doing the best I can here?

[elloelloello]

A good friend of mine, I’ll call her Sarah, has recently left her abusive husband.

I’d had my suspicions for a while that something was going on but was still massively shocked as to the extent of what had been happening when Sarah told me and another friend, Jane (who as it turns out also suspected something was going on).

Jane and I both quietly supported her to leave, we helped her find somewhere to live without her ex finding out, helped her pack up and leave. I’ve baby sat, sat with her for hours while she gave her statement to the police, picked her children up from school, given her lifts, helped her decorate her new flat, taken her shopping, and generally just helped her out with practical stuff and been as supportive as I can

I’m utter pants at emotional support - I find it very difficult as I never know what to say, I’m shit at small talk and not huggy in the slightest. I’m very much a roll my sleeves up and try to fix stuff or come up with solutions type of person.

Sarah’s ex was arrested the weekend before last and its now all out in the open.

The rest of our friendship group are being very supportive so I’ve stepped back a little bit. I message her or ring her for a chat, pop round for a cup of tea, but DH and I run our own business, I work full time, have kids and a million other commitments of my own so was struggling a bit

Anyway, according to the rest of the group, I’m a shit friend, unsupportive and must be ‘Team Ex’ as I’m not all that great with the emotional stuff

Sarah has enough shit going on without dealing with squabbling friends so I’ve just withdrawn from it all and left them to get on with it, but really, I am quite hurt by it

wow your friends don't sound very nice at all.

You admit that you've stepped back. She's going through a horrific time, it doesn't take much to send a text does it, it would take less time than the post you've just written.

Wow OP im totally with you here. Im terrible at emotional stuff but im all for helping practically etc.

Your friendship group sound ridiculous, almost to the point of showing a lack of understanding of the usefulness of practical support maybe?

Your friend is going through a really shit time, just carry on being there for her in the best way you know and take a step back from the idiots

She's going through a horrific time, it doesn't take much to send a text does it, it would take less time than the post you've just written

As I said in my OP, I do message her, I still ring her for a chat and meet up for a coffee or something

This has all really kick off since the weekend. They had arranged a night out on Saturday. I’d already booked to take my daughter to a University open day - the trains home were fucked, bus replacement service took forever and we got home really late so I didn’t end up going on the night out

Your "friendship" group loves a drama and be in the middle of it, they are not real friends. You sound lovely and supportive, they are BU, you sound like a really good friend.

This has all really kick off since the weekend. They had arranged a night out on Saturday. I’d already booked to take my daughter to a University open day - the trains home were fucked, bus replacement service took forever and we got home really late so I didn’t end up going on the night out

You're a shit friend for not going on a night out? That's out of order. Were they all there helping her get set up and away from the DH? Actual practical help?

Your friend knows that you have and will continue to support her, that's what matters
She trusted you first off, that speaks volumes

Your "friendship group" are virtue signalling sheep - I bet they don't know about what you did for "Sarah" before they found out about her situation.

Support Sarah exactly as you are, and go low contact with the good time "friendship circle!" who value a night out over babysitting, accompanying her to a long police interview, finding a flat etc

Oh they'll all be fighting over her and loving the drama. I couldn't be arsed with all that business.........I've got a relative who pulls shit like this. She recently latched onto a terminally ill woman who quite rightly saw her arse when she discovered that she was the main topic of this womans conversation. She'd also lash out at the woman's friends and family members for not doing enough........she's moved on from that and is now proclaiming she brought up a relative's disabled DC. (( She helped out but in no way, shape or form did she bring them up ))

Fucking weirdos the lot of them. And your friend can probably see right through it.

Thanks!

Were they all there helping her get set up and away from the DH?

No, but to be fair, she only told Jane and I what was happening. The rest of the group just assumed they’d split up. It was only when he was arrested that it’s all come out

I also don’t post to the group chat and stuff like that - I message her privately, ring her or go and see her.

I’m not huggy or anything like that, so I suppose I look quite cold and unsupportive. I’m just utterly shit at it

That’s why I never get involved such stuff as you always end up the bad guy.

No, but to be fair, she only told Jane and I what was happening. The rest of the group just assumed they’d split up. It was only when he was arrested that it’s all come out

So out of all her friends, you and Jane were the ones she decided to confide in and trust to help her at the toughest part of all this............who is a shit friend? Maybe they're all put out that she trusted you two more than the rest and are trying to look like they're better "actually"

Sarah trusts you two more than the rest, she clearly doesn't think you're a "shit friend" I wouldn't even engage in discussions with them about your "quality of friendship" they don't get to be the judges of that

I bet Sarah doesn’t think you are a shit friend. The rest can go to hell.

A person in crisis will typically need many forms of support and you are the practical, calm organising type. Someone else can be the fun, drinking, dancing friend but they won’t be the one that Sarah remembers so much.

And keep to your boundaries. Sarah is safe now and you clearly have a busy life so carry on with the tests, chats and coffee but you don’t have to be the huggy, weepy friend.

You sound like a good friend and have done alot for 'Sarah'- just cos you don't hug her doesn't mean you're a shit friend. You've done alot of practical stuff for her and she's probably grateful.
I have different types of friends - some I tell personal things too, others I don't. Some i hug, some i don't - We're all different.
Just carry on with supporting her as best as you can and tell your other 'friends ' to F off!

Your friend knows what you've done for her. Doesn't matter in the slightest what the "you ok hun?" crowd believe. I'm not huggy either and neither is my best friend. We had, in hindsight, a hilariously British conversation when I told her I was going to leave my husband. No tears or hugs or discussion of feelings, just the most factual back and forth about practical aspects. I found it hugely helpful and wouldn't actually have wanted her to hug and message me constantly; I just needed her to have my back. So fuck those guys. You're a friend, you know it, she knows it, and they don't count.

Your friends (minus Jane) sound like their noses are out of joint as you and Jane where her trusted friends to tell first. Really petty considering what your friend is going through.

In your shoes I'd have a quiet word with your friend, tell her to ignore your other friends, you're there for her and that although you're shit with the emotional side you're completely on her side and will do what it takes to get her through this.

So years and years ago, I left an abusive partner who I lived with at the time. To this day, I am still grateful to the people who provided me with the practical support I needed to be able to move out and go through the court case.

I was numb and was so grateful that someone was there to help with me actions. I didn't want to talk about my feelings and I definitely did not want anyone hugging me. Everyone is different and your friend may need that but you are doing a stellar job as a friend. I agree with pp who said it really doesn't matter what the 'u ok hun' crowd thinks. Keep doing what you're doing, I am sure she values all your help.

I bet Sarah doesn’t think you are a shit friend. The rest can go to hell.

This. You sound like a fucking brilliant friend OP. I don't know you and I'm angry on your behalf!

It's a lot easier to meet for a coffee, get all the gossip and then tell everyone you've been there for her than it is to do what you did, helping on the front line with action not just words.

I know someone terrible for this, will only do something "selfless" if they can tell everyone about it, therefore eradicating it being selfless at all.

You don't sound cold, you sound lovely and supportive. She knows and she will remember forever. They sound like school children ganging up and egging each other on. Fuck 'em, they aren't worth your time

Thank you all

I was beginning to feel really shit about it

The rest are much better at the encouraging/“go girl”/huggy/nights out type of support which I think she’s ready for now

Before it was a case of getting her and the children out and somewhere safe

I haven’t mentioned anything to her about what’s been said by the others - she’s got enough shit to deal with so I’m just going to carry on as I have been

Thanks!

I haven’t mentioned anything to her about what’s been said by the others - she’s got enough shit to deal with so I’m just going to carry on as I have been

This is an example of why you are an infinitely better friend than them.

You are shielding her from any further drama and upset while they are actually concentrating on infighting and gossiping. Horrible people showing their true colours.

You keep being yourself

Fuck it. I would tell Sarah. Not in a drama way. Next time you see her I'd just say "you know Sarah, the others had commented I'd been a bit quiet recently and didnt join you for that night out. But you know that's not my forte. I'm not good at that lovey dovey stuff. I'm so happy you got out of that situation and hope you know I'm always here for you".

Thanks all

Ex broke his non-mol this weekend, so ended up picking her and the children up. He was arrested but was obviously released - as he proceeded to send me some lovely threatening messages yesterday afternoon.

I bumped into one of the group this morning in the local shop car park and she started giving me grief about not being supportive enough.

After the weekend I’ve just had I lost my temper and told her to fuck off. My name will be even more mud-like now