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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

spiteful feud

25 replies

lilmissredhead · 17/10/2019 23:16

This started about 3 months ago with messages between my brother and I. He refered to my dd as a bitch. She is 4. He refused to apologise and started an argument between himself and my mum. since then when he wants to visits with his partner and daughter. Myself and my 3 children are to leave and go home. My kids and I have had an hour in 2 weeks with my parents. Am I being unreasonable to feel angry and fustrated with the situation.

OP posts:

Stressedout10 · 17/10/2019 23:17

Yadnbu

percheron67 · 17/10/2019 23:19

Go at another time to suit you and make him leave.

Original poster

lilmissredhead · 17/10/2019 23:34

If only that was possible he is the golden child.

OP posts:

Wildorchidz · 17/10/2019 23:41

Does your mother know that he called her 4 year old granddaughter a bitch?

EileenAlanna · 17/10/2019 23:52

Ask your mum what time she expects your brother & his bitch daughter to arrive so you know what time to leave. If she sounds off ask why it's ok then for him to call your 4 year old a bitch but you can't do the same? If she can't call him out on something as bad as that then stop wasting any more time on her, and be clear to her why.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 17/10/2019 23:55

You need to take this up with your DM! She is allowing your DB to bully you out of her home- not to mention condoning the absolutely disgusting language he used about your dd! Can I ask, was this started by a disagreement between your dd and his dd? Or was he just being an abusive bully?

TARSCOUT · 18/10/2019 00:11

Why don't you invite DM to your home then there's no chance of him arriving?

Oodlesandpoodles · 18/10/2019 00:20

What.. ran up to him calling her a bitch?

If he’s the golden child then I’d simply cool of contact with your parents and then when they start moaning, state that you simply stood up for your daughter.

But a grown man calling a child a bitch is pathetic

Original poster

lilmissredhead · 18/10/2019 01:53

This whole thing started when his dd tried to push my dd off a chair and my dd told her to go away there was no room and she didnt like her (I found this out later through messages) problem is if I blow my top (which is real close) im the bad one

OP posts:

Original poster

lilmissredhead · 18/10/2019 01:58

The last 3 arrangements iv made to visit iv had to go home because he decides he wants to visit I feel like im becoming paranoid thinking that someone tells him when im there. I need my mum and dad but I feel he plays with my mums head

OP posts:

TheBouquets · 18/10/2019 02:13

Could you try speaking to your dad about all this. DB might not be DF's golden child. Perhaps even invite DF to your house without DM

Monty27 · 18/10/2019 02:39

How old are you all?
This is child's stuff.
Either your DM respects you or she doesn't. If she doesn't want you there don't go.
As for DB he needs to grow up too.

Mothership4two · 18/10/2019 03:01

What a charmer - he sounds about 6 years old.

YANBU. OP why do you have to leave? If you are there and he doesn't want to see you, then he shouldn't come. Do your parents know he called your 4yo dd a bitch? As gps I would have thought they would be upset on dd's behalf and have some firm words with your brother. This does sound like a storm in a teacup. Children are childish (the clue's in the name) and say and do mean things to each other occasionally. Grown ups should act like adults and rise above it.

If your parents aren't going to take him to task and are asking you to leave on his behalf I would a) have it out with them basically telling them what you have said here and b) if that doesn't work, let them get on with it and limit contact.

If he is going to act like this over 2 little girls having a squabble over a chair, I would not want to be around him at all, as these kinds of things happen all the time with kids and his behaviour will just get worse.

Bluerussian · 18/10/2019 03:05

I'm really sorry. He definitely shouldn't have called your daughter a bitch but perhaps you could get one of your parents to intervene and tell him he was out of order and get him to apologise.

In your shoes I wouldn't leave your mum and dad's house if he turned up. Why should you be driven out? Stay put and see what happens.

I really wish you and brother could make up, it can't go on forever, surely?

BlackCatSleeping · 18/10/2019 03:34

What do you need your mum and dad for exactly?

I feel this is more of a problem with your parents prioritising your brother over you. The simple solution would be not to go and visit them for a while and hopefully they will miss you and realise they need to either not tell your brother when you are visiting or not insist you leave when he comes round.

It sounds like the situation may be more complicated than that though.

Original poster

lilmissredhead · 18/10/2019 05:14

They both know what my db said but say that people say things in anger. I need my parents for support I have 3 children 1 who has disabilitys and I'm a single parent. I need them to talk to when things get rough. Or when im not sure about things. Right now though I question their judgement. If you say something in anger you are supposed to apologise and correct it my db wont. My parents now say they are staying out of it but cant help but feel they are picking sides.

OP posts:

Mothership4two · 18/10/2019 05:21

I'm so sorry OP. People may say things in anger, but to say that to a 4 yo is pretty unforgivable and, yes, they should push him to apologise. I still don't see why you should leave when he comes to see your parents, if he doesn't want to be there at the same time as you, thats his lookout.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/10/2019 05:44

I’m sorry you have found out what it really means to be a scapegoat. My mother is exactly the same. My brother was violent to me as a child. She didn’t stop it. As an adult, I have had to go NC with him because he is still violent to me. My mother blames me for his violence because I shouted at him when he bellowed at me that I’m not disabled (I am). I still see her. But not him. I know my place so to speak, which I tolerate.

I agree with pps, I think it is time to invite your dad round to yours if he’s less of a shit stirrer. Or your mother if it is him. Your brother is using divide and conquer. So you need to do the same unfortunately.

What do your parents expect you to do?

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 18/10/2019 07:23

Why do you HAVE to leave? I'd ride it out tbh. They say you need to leave and you say no.

Jayaywhynot · 18/10/2019 08:36

Iv had similar, my "D"Sis recently tried to FB shame me, I called her out on her bs & now my DM wants to know when I'm going to sort it out! Apparently sis knows shes in the wrong thats ok then but hasn't apologised. . Years ago sis fell out with me as I wouldn't support her in a lie, I went to my DM house and my mum wouldn't let me in as sis was there . You cant change people, if you want a relationship with your parents you're gonna have to suck this up, they are not going to support you, they have picked a side just like my DM has. You can only change your reaction, I feel for you, as I know how hurtful it is

bluebeck · 18/10/2019 09:28

Why don't you invite your parents to your house instead?

Or ask them when can you visit that won't result in you being turfed out because Db wants to come round.

Original poster

lilmissredhead · 18/10/2019 12:52

Think im going to stand my ground next time im at their house. If he still wants to come by then me and my kids aint moving. I did the right thing and defended my children. Its not my fault its his why should me and my kids suffer.

OP posts:

bluebeck · 18/10/2019 12:56

I really don't think you can refuse to leave someone's home if they have asked you to leave?

Bluntness100 · 18/10/2019 13:04

Do your parents ask you to leave? Because if they do, I don't think you can stage a sit in.

RandomMess · 18/10/2019 13:22

Invite your parents to you?

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