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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is male arrogance universal? AMALT!

23 replies

thedevilwithbarty · 17/10/2019 16:17

My dh, for example, is a lovely man. Kind, self-effacing, considerate, horrified by sexism and pulls his weight in every respect. Genuinely doesn't have any toxic beliefs about women at all. He's a good man. But even he, when he gets exercised in a discussion, especially if it's about politics or something he considers himself knowledgeable about, is so dyed-in-the-wool convinced that his own opinions are fact that it's exhausting trying to hold my own against him. He's not aggressive, he's not a bully, he just KNOWS that he's right. If I don't agree with him, it must be because I've misunderstood something.

I'm no genius, but I'm educated to the same level as him and neither of us would consider me less intelligent. He would certainly never say that. So why is it that when we look at a particular piece of evidence and interpret it differently, he is always unassailably, incontrovertibly right? I don't have this issue with any of my women friends, although of course we disagree and discuss things. I have found this with other men though (increasingly, as I get older and less tolerant of taking crap and being railroaded). I'm forced to conclude that it's a penis problem. AIBU?

OP posts:

Areyoufree · 17/10/2019 16:22

YABU. Unfortunately, I can be a little bit like this, and I don't have a penis. I am becoming more self-aware with age, but definitely find it hard to accept (let alone admit) that I might be wrong.

viaLatvia · 17/10/2019 16:24

Why do you think this is a male thing? I have met more women who fit that description than men. I think it is just a people thing.

Shoxfordian · 17/10/2019 16:28

If my husband was like that then I'd have to conclude that he didn't respect my opinion or think of me as his intellectual equal

araiwa · 17/10/2019 16:43

Well now you have women disagreeinging with you too.

Still sexism?

Maybe youre wrong?

NaviSprite · 17/10/2019 16:53

Yeah I’m guilty of acting quite a bit like your DH when I get onto a topic I’m passionate about and so is my DH... I agree with PP - it’s a people thing!

But when things get like this between me and DH we just let the other one get what they have to say off their chest without interruption as we’ve often found that interrupting when a person feels they’re making the most profound point on a subject (seldom is it actually profound mind you 😂) makes them more likely to dig their heels in! So just let them run out of steam I guess? It depends on how your DH is with you when he gets like this though, if it’s a running theme of no respect for your opinion and he makes it clear that he doesn’t, then there’s a problem. If he’s like me or my DH in that he’ll listen to your perspective but say “I still don’t agree” then it is what it is I guess?

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 17/10/2019 16:59

I can be very guilty of that and so does fiancé. It can get quite bad as I will try to convince the other person on my point till they wear out and give up. The only person more stubborn is probably fiancé.

NamechangeWhatFor · 17/10/2019 17:05

All men are socialised that they are The Authority so he probably is a little guilty of it. As long as he's aware of his bias and tries to challenge it then he should get better with time.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 17/10/2019 17:09

I'm forced to conclude that it's a penis problem.

I disagree. It's a (your) DH problem. He's not as modern-man-amazing as you previously believed. He's flawed and human and, like most people I know, believes he's right on certain topics.

PettyContractor · 17/10/2019 17:21

The only person in my history that springs to mind for being so certain in their beliefs is female. For her, what she believed and how reality was were always utter synonymous. I don't think she recognised that they could be two different things, even in principle.

She was (in other respects) actually quite intelligent, so I don't know what to blame this on.

As someone who read a lot philosophy as a teenager, I've always been at the opposite extreme with regard to certainty. I believe there are as many realities as there are brains to generate them, and the common features can be thought of as a shared reality, and all of these realities (individual and shared) contain very imperfect models of some unknowable objective reality "out there."

GettingABitDesperateNow · 17/10/2019 17:29

I am quite like this and I am female. I know it's not an endearing character trait, it's almost a physical compilation to point out when someone is wrong, about anything, I have to chant it doesnt matter it doesnt matter inside my head

MrsMaiselsMuff · 17/10/2019 17:37

All men are socialised that they are The Authority so he probably is a little guilty of it.

Not true. In my family it was far more me who was raised in that way, as I was seen as more intelligent and able than my brother. Different families have different dynamics.

mbosnz · 17/10/2019 17:41

I believe there are as many realities as there are brains to generate them, and the common features can be thought of as a shared reality, and all of these realities (individual and shared) contain very imperfect models of some unknowable objective reality "out there."

I am so very glad I didn't take philosophy. That made my head hurt!

NamechangeWhatFor · 17/10/2019 17:45

Not true. In my family it was far more me who was raised in that way, as I was seen as more intelligent and able than my brother. Different families have different dynamics.

And school, modern culture, friends, extended family and society have no influence at all, do they?

Jaxhog · 17/10/2019 17:46

Hmm. lots more men do this than women in my experience. But far too many of both.

My personal gripe is mansplaining!

marvellousnightforamooncup · 17/10/2019 17:54

I'm like that, but it's OK because I'm right.

GDPArrrghhh · 17/10/2019 17:57

I’m very like you describe.dh on the other hand is far more open to others opinions, so on that basis - YABU.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 17/10/2019 17:59

My father isn’t like that at all, but then again he was raised by women. My SIL or MIL on the other hand can not be reasoned with. I (a woman) am not much better

mbosnz · 17/10/2019 18:01

I've just realised that when all they can talk about is their work, all they are talking about, by extension, is themselves. . .

I feel a patio extension coming on.

IsadoraQuagmire · 17/10/2019 19:51

I'm exactly like that and I'm female.

helpfulperson · 17/10/2019 20:07

Another one (female) here who struggles with the concept that there is a difference between 'not thinking the same as me' and 'wrong'

I don't think its a particulary male trait at all.

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2019 21:03

I do think men are often socialised like that. Sadly boys are told they are clever and indulged to dominate a conversation much more than girls are in a lot of settings from a young age.

StanleySteamer · 17/10/2019 21:08

Ladies who posted. Can I say how humbled I am that so many of you do NOT think it is a penis thing. On other threads I have been torn apart for having an opinion that is not quite as conventional as others feel it should be and I get told it's because I am a man. I expected this thread to turn into a manhatefest, but it hasn't. Restores my faith in MN.
And of course, I agree with you, it is a personality thing, not a what-sex-you-are thing.

partysong · 17/10/2019 21:22

Yeah I'm afraid I'm like this too. But not with my friends - I monitor myself with friends. I except that's the difference you see, not that your female friends never do it

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