I don't know if anyone remembers (probably not) but I posted a thread a while back about struggles we've been having with my partner's ex, who is overbearing with my DSS. i.e. making decisions about him, buying him things we've said no to, or have said he should save up for himself, turning up at the house to see him with no notice, taking him out at weekends when it's our contact time and we'd planned things, etc.
The general consensus on here was that I was a jealous stepmum, and that I should let DSS see whoever he wants. I stopped talking about it then because I thought you know what, you're probably right. Even though a part of me really still thought it was just too much.
But.
I had a chat with DSS last night, after the ex turned up at the house at just gone 10.30pm bringing him some sweets that he liked (chocolate orange twirls - there might be a few missing when he gets home from college hahaha). 10.30pm is his bedtime, so he was in bed, as he was knackered so went a bit early last night. It was pitch black, we don't live in the best area, and she didn't say she was coming to drop something off, so tbh I was scared to open the door, so I didn't. I knew if it was anyone important they would phone/text. Anyway, she phoned DSS and he came downstairs and opened the door, and she kept him chatting for ages.
He came in to me after she had gone and said "When is this going to stop?" I asked what he meant, and he said that since her and his dad split, he has only been going along with things and going out with her because she's been telling him how sad and lonely she feels, and how she feels like she is missing out because we're all here being a happy family (we're not - we're all incredibly busy, so any family time is rare and precious) and she's not. I believe he only said this to me as he was grumpy as hell at having been dragged out of bed, when there's no reason she couldn't have come earlier, or today instead, or even just posted them through the door!
He says it annoys him when she comes to pick him up at weekends, as he doesn't get chance to go out with us, or to see his grandparents, or to go out with his friends, but he doesn't know how to ask her to stop.
I said it's important for him to still see her, if he was okay with that, as she was living with him for 8 years and helped a lot bringing him up. I suggested perhaps a day out each month or something similar (she sees him at least 4 days a week atm for one reason or another, most of which are unplanned. She also picks him up from college regularly despite not having been asked, and us paying a lot of money for a bus pass for him this year) and he just sighed and said that sounds okay, but he bets she would still always be calling and texting.
I will admit that it came as a shock to me to hear this. The main reason we have been putting up with her behaviour is because we thought he was happy going out with her and seeing her, but he's now saying it's stopping him doing things, and they don't have much fun anyway, and he only does it because she guilt trips him and he feels sorry for her because she had to go back and live with her dad at the age of 45 and has been there ever since.
My partner was all for calling her there and then to say stop it, let HIM make contact as and when he wants from now on. She has been a pain for the whole two years we've been together. I would never stop her seeing him, contrary to what I was accused of on the last thread I posted, but I did feel it was inappropriate with the level of contact she was trying to maintain.
Is there any way to delicately solve this so that everyone is happy? The last thing we need right now is drama! DSS is loving life since he started college, and think it has just become more of an issue now as he wants to be more independent - so whereas it sort of suited him to go along with her when he was at school, it really doesn't now.