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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not always have DPs back?

24 replies

Mishfit0819 · 17/10/2019 10:12

Genuinely not sure on this one.

DP can be quite blunt and straight to the point, always has been and I do envy it. I tend towards trying to make other people happy but I am not a pushover, so think I generally balance things well.

DP is currently annoyed with his parents (dad and step mum) for not consulting him before agreeing to a family meet up with distant family members as we've recently had our first DC. My pov is that this is the norm and to just suck it up for an hour or so. He has no relationship with these family members, not against them but just doesn't see the point as he didn't grow up knowing them etc. He's more annoyed it was arranged assuming he'd want to as his parents do tend to do this (they ask preferred dates but not if we actually want to).

He thinks IABU for not having his back and putting the foot down saying no with him... I think he's being U for making it an issue so don't think I should have to back him up when I don't agree...

So mumsnet, AIBU for not backing my DP on an issue I disagree with (and is minor in the grand scheme of things)?

Also opinions on whether this is the norm in terms of the meet up etc?

OP posts:

Hesafriendfromwork · 17/10/2019 10:18

So his parents assume you will be attending things and say yes on his/your behalf.

No, thata not normal. No one I know does this. My parents would say 'we are coming, cant speak for Hesafriend and her dp and kids.'

I would be really annoyed if dp though I was being a tit because I dont like my parents signing me up for social events.

onemoretimewithfeeling · 17/10/2019 10:35

As you say, the actual issue here is that his parents arrange things assuming he will do them, rather than giving him a choice, rather than this specific visit per-se. I bet you're both knackered with the recent baby and perhaps this unsolicited meetup is just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I think in your position I'd side with DP on this occasion. He can say something like: "Oh, gosh, I wish you'd asked us about this beforehand. We're just so tired with the new baby, it'd be too much for us this time. Sorry.". Hopefully it'll help make the larger point without causing offence (every parent knows how hard it is with a new baby).

Perhaps the distant family can bob round to yours for 20 minutes for a cup of tea and to see the baby, then everyone is happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2019 10:45

His parents speaking for you and making arrangements on your behalf, without permission, is 100% not ok. This nonsense needs to be nipped in the bud and you should support your partner.

Original poster

Mishfit0819 · 17/10/2019 10:49

They assumed we'd be OK with a meet up so that the family can meet the baby, have suggested multiple dates in a months or twos time and have asked what location would suit, so they have consulted but have just assumed he's happy to do the meeting in the first place if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Hesafriendfromwork · 17/10/2019 10:54

Yeah. That's not ok. I woildnt want to be ropes into visits, so people I barely know can see my baby, either. If they were that important to him, they would have shown interest before.

In fact, I would say to you 'that's fine. Not a big deal to you. You go, take baby. I will have a relaxing day/do diy/ catch up on some washing and TV etc'.

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 17/10/2019 11:13

Hi OP, I think on this occasion you should probably have had his back. In fact it's probably good to have his back in certain situations regardless of right/wrong.

I am in a very similar situation to you. My DP is very quick to jump to a decision whereas I'm more considered. Sometimes she will jump straight into an argument with someone and I will be pretty sure that the position she has taken up is not right and it's difficult to just side with her. But at times I will or I will back her up when she recounts a situation where I just think "Jesus, you really didn't need to do that".

The reason I back her sometimes is two fold, firstly it means that when I don't back her she takes my points on board and secondly it's because I am her partner and it just feels right.

We don't always have to be right but we do have to support our partners, of course that doesn't mean always agreeing or always backing them up but I feel that it does mean sometimes accepting that pushing back every single time you disagree will not have a positive affect on them or on your relationship.

Aderyn19 · 17/10/2019 11:18

I voted yanbu because I don't think you should have to support a dp whether you agree with them or not. But I do think he is right and you are wrong about this particular issue. It will increasingly piss you off to have ILs who make plans for you without asking if you actually want to do the things they are arranging. And you are lucky to have a dp who challenges them and doesn't throw you under the bus in order to appease his overbearing parents.
Also, they are his parents, so how he negotiates his relationship with them is more his concern than yours.

Drum2018 · 17/10/2019 11:25

Your Dh is an adult. If he wants to arrange meeting up with random relatives to show off the baby I'm sure he's well capable of doing it himself. His mother should not be organising anything 'on his behalf,' most especially when he has no bloody interest in these people. If I were him I'd just point out that he hasn't seen these relatives in ages so why would they even be bothered seeing the baby? He's entitled to say no to meeting up with them. And of course you are entitled to bring the baby, without Dh, if you want his random relatives to meet him/her.

Alsohuman · 17/10/2019 11:25

I don’t support mine unconditionally, if I think he’s being a tit I say so. And expect the same from him. As far as I remember “I will defend you, even when you’re being an idiot” wasn’t part of our marriage vows.

Bibidy · 17/10/2019 11:29

@Mishfit0819 I have this same dynamic with my OH. He's very opinionated and often expects me to go along with him when I actually think he's over-reacting.

That said, I do usually side with him when he makes decisions regarding his own family. HOWEVER, on this occasion I think it completely depends on the relationship with his family. Do they often railroad you into things or is this just an occasion where they've let their excitement around the new baby run away with them?

If it's the former then I'd be inclined to let him refuse the visit; if the latter then I wouldn't want to embarrass his parents and turn it down knowing they've likely told the other family members that it's happening. I would agree to it on this occasion (if it can be arranged close to your home) but ask that they don't agree to things like this without consulting you again.

billy1966 · 17/10/2019 11:33

I don't think you have to agree with everything but I do believe in loyalty.

In this instance, I'm with your husband.

I think he has every right not to be happy with his parents dictating whom he meets up with.

His parents shouldn't do this.
If your husband is not happy about his parents doing this, the yes, you should support him.

The fact that you might be ok with YOUR parents doing something similar is not the issue.

Their his parents, and it's his choice to be happy or not.

You should support him.

JasonPollack · 17/10/2019 13:25

Disagree in private, united front in public. Always.

Also I wouldn't want to be meeting up with people I barely know to show off the baby. There's enough close family to see.

fedup21 · 17/10/2019 13:29

Would it be better to discuss this when they asked for dates?

Witchinaditch · 17/10/2019 13:42

He sounds like hard work, but the general Mn consensus is you should NEVER do anything for your family in fact everyone should be NC with their family. I agree with you he should just suck it up for an hour of his life!

Bouffalant · 17/10/2019 13:46

Why didn't they ask him first? I hate when people make arrangements for me without asking me.

I'd let him get on with it and respect his decision on this one. So these distant family members only want to know him now there's a baby to coo over?

Or are the IL's pushing it?

Ohyesiam · 17/10/2019 13:47

So what did he say to them when they gave a choice of dates?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2019 13:50

You’re wrong. It’s his family and he’s not happy with being dictated to. You should back him up.

Lllot5 · 17/10/2019 13:53

I don’t think you should go along with your DH regardless. But in this instance I’d let him sort it keep out of it.

messolini9 · 17/10/2019 14:05

He thinks IABU for not having his back and putting the foot down saying no with him.

Can he not find his blunt straightforwardness, & simply decline the invitation? Why does he need his wife to "have his back" over the small matter of not accepting a meet-up? It's not compulsory.

There's also need need for him to be annoyed at his parents. They arranged a meet-up. He doesn't want to go. Does his bluntness not encompass being able to tell his parents "thanks but no thanks"?

SurfingGiantess · 17/10/2019 14:06

I think you should have his back at least in front of ppl. Behind closed doors you can discuss it with him. But as it's not a big issue I'd go along with his opinion as it's his family. He obviously knows them better. And the issue might not actually be the other people but the fact his parents don't ask first.

Idontwanttotalk · 17/10/2019 14:11

So the parents have assumed you would be happy to go and asked what dates suit you? Neither you nor DP have said you don't want to go so have responded with dates. Now DP is peed off as he doesn't want to go and you haven't agreed that you don't want to.

Flipping heck. He should have just told them if he doesn't want to go. He's a grown up. He doesn't need you to back him up on this.

LannisterLion1 · 17/10/2019 16:26

You don't need to back him up but these are his distant relations and if he's not interested in meeting up with them then you shouldn't tell him that actually he should. Instead you should tell him he needs to tell his parents not to arrange things without checking with him first and that no meet up will be happening.

I do think you should stand up and be blunt back to blunt people but on this occasion he's right. His parents shouldn't arrange things without checking with you first, this may not bother you but next thing might, and if he doesn't want to go you shouldn't encourage him to do so.

FizzyIce · 17/10/2019 17:23

I have some issues with my side and dh’s side sometimes and I get super pissed when he doesn’t back me up even though he knows what they’re doing is shitty or ridiculous just so he can have a quiet life

AryaStarkWolf · 17/10/2019 17:26

I'm with your DP on this one, it's his family and he didn't want to do it. You should have backed him imo

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