9months pregnant. Is it my hormones or my family simply doesn’t care

[Mia95]

Hi I new to this and would really like some advice. I’m the youngest in my family I’m 22 all my siblings are older than me. I have a sister 26, brother 30 and oldest brother 34. They all have kids, I work and everyone always comes to me for money. Ive bought my nieces and nephew lots of presents over the years costing a lot. Ive also borrowed my big sister 500£ At the begging of the year which I still haven’t seen back . I’ve also bought my mum gifts and she’s constantly asking for money I’ve bought her a expensive pandora bracelet at the beginning of the year before I found out I was pregnant but anyway I’m now 9months pregnant and none of them has bought my child anything, it’s fine they never get me presents but the amount I spend on their kids over the years and they haven’t gotten her kit one thing is really concerning especially as I’m the youngest. I’ve always been really independent and haven’t needed anyone but I think it’s just really rude. I’ve had a really hard pregnancy where I’ve had to be on bed rest at my flat and my mum has promised to be round but hasn’t, she’s been saying she will come round and that she’s bought stuff for the baby but this was 3months ago... I needed her to attend a meeting with me for the baby as they wanted my mother there to show I had support, she decided to bring my older sister along and when they got to the station bear in mind my mother had no idea where I live but my sister does so my sister was calling me asking me to get a cab because she apparently doesn’t know the way to my house which was a lie as she’s been here before only my mother hasn’t been here. I told her no and hanged didn’t hear anything till after the meeting was in tears because my mum didn’t come so decided to call her and asked what happened she said my sister got upset and said she’s leaving, please bear in mind my sister is a 26 year old woman. It was a very important meeting and I needed my mother there but she left because my sister threw a tantrum because I would pay for a cab when I didn’t want her there anyway. My mum kept apologising and said she will come down this week still nothing. I’ve called her a few times as I left some baby things at her house and needed it urgently she offered to bring it down. So I would call her asking her what was happening and it was always she was doing something for my sister or my brother which is weird because they are all grown adults. I asked her one last time and said I can collect the things my self and she went crazy saying she always does everything for me, when she doesn’t at all and told me to get off my lazy ass because other people who are 9months pregnant do. None of my siblings work neither does she and I’ve worked through out my whole pregnancy so I was abit taken aback when she said those nasty thing especially when I never ask her to do anything for me, she’s never even been to my house. So I decided to go to her house and collect the baby things I purchased which was there. Suprise surprise she lied about purchasing the baby anything, hasn’t gotten her not one thing. I collected the things I bought and was happy to find out my Nan knitted my baby girl a blanket, she’s the only one that’s gotten the baby anything. I really don’t want anything to do with these people, I think it may just be my hormones but I feel as if the way they’ve treated me is disgusting and they only want to use me. Am I wrong for this ?

Honestly, I think them not buying your baby gifts is the least of your problems. What benefits do these people bring to your life?

@heronry honestly they bring nothing but stress

I know it's easier said then done, but you need to stop worrying about them. When they ask for money say no. Stop buying gifts for everyone else. Most of all, stop expecting anything from them. If you stop expecting them to be supportive and caring, they cannot let you down. You are creating your own family now, so focus on you and your baby.

You poor thing, your definitely not being unreasonable. Focus on your baby girl, she’s your priority and it sounds like you can look after yourself, you don’t need all the stress they bring!

Really true, I just thought they would be supportive like how they are with each other and I would love to never contact them again and never have them in my life, that would be idea. But I have social in my life because of my ex partner so they want to see that my “mother” is there for me and being a support for me and the baby

@Muffin3 Thankyou, I would love to just cut ties with them all together but social is in my life because of an ex abusive partner and the social want to see that my mother will me some support in me and my baby’s life. If I don’t have that it goes downhill from there. It’s really sad she can’t even make an effort with that

You must face the fact that it's highly likely that your mother is NOT going to be 'there' for you or be a support for you and the baby.

I suggest you wait until some weeks after the birth and, if your mother has not come through for you and you feel you need support, let your HV know that you're effectively raising a child on your own.

Without knowing the state of play between you and your ex, you're best advised to give the child your surname and do not take the ex with you when registering the birth. If he accompanies you to the Registry Office and you agree to him being named as father, you'll be handing him shared parental control on a plate.

Far better to put him to the test and see if he'll make the effort to apply to the courts to be added to the birth cert. Not naming him doesn't affect your right to claim child maintenance which I suggest you apply for as soon as possible after the birth.

I'm sorry your family have been so unsupportive after all you've done to prove your worth. Do you have a good relationship with your grandmother and do you have a friend, or friends, who can step up to the plate and give you any help you may need after the birth?

You need to stop lending them money and buying them gifts, they clearly don't appreciate it.

Have you anyone else that can provide the support you need for social services? Unfortunately it doesn't sound like she is much help at all

They know damn well that with a baby you will be putting your time, energy and money into your own child, not them, and they're not happy about it. All of this toddler tantrumming is an attempt to get you to prioritise them. Don't do it.

Sorry about your abusive ex, but you have to face the fact that you don't have a supportive mother, and put into place something to get you that support. Do you have any extended family that might be supportive? Do you attend a church?

@Jollitwiglet I have && no I don’t. It’s really annoying because I can honestly do this by myself without any support but the social seem to think otherwise which is crazy because I’m not the problem at all. It’s my abusive ex who I’ve left

@HypatiaCade it’s really disgusting behaviour from them, you would think I’m older than all of them with the way they behave it’s disgusting. My mum should honestly be ashamed wearing the pandora bracelet with the way she’s been behaving. The way she behaves with my older siblings and their kids I honestly thought she would be supportive but I was wrong and I don’t at all, I’m actually considering moving really far away to be close to my aunt which isn’t fair because i’ll Be leaving my job and flat too but I can’t risk social thinking I won’t have “support” for my baby which is ridiculous as I’m not even the problem, it’s my abusive ex

If you're close to your aunt, can she visit and perhaps spend a couple of nights with you?

Unless SS are planning to put your baby on a care plan I wouldn't worry too much about your apparent lack of family support as it seems more about you having people to turn to because of your ex's behaviour rather than having people in and out of your home every day.

Perhaps, even from a distance, your aunt could be the supportive person you need in your life if you are experiencing problems as a new mother or with your ex's behaviour

However, before you uproot and decamp to your aunt's location, please be aware that people can promise all kinds of help, support etc, but this may not materialise even if you have gone to all the trouble and expense of relocating because of their promises.

Don’t rush into moving away or quitting your job - your Aunt may not offer good support either and you will put yourself under a lot of pressure disrupting your home and job.

You would be better to concentrate on being a good mum and while it is unfortunate that your mum isn’t helpful show social services that you have insight that you cannot rely on her. Do you have any responsible friends you are able and willing to be part of a support network for you? You could ask social services if they can help put you in touch with a SureStart/Homestart(?) volunteer if you think it would be helpful - and if your friendship group is not strong it might be.

Don’t give any money away (or lend any), don’t buy any more presents. Your priority is you and your baby. Practice saying this “I’m sorry I can’t help - I don’t have anything to spare.” Your family may visit/buy you a gift when the baby comes and I don’t see the point in cutting contact (if they are not abusive but just a bit crap) but lower your expectations right down. Expect nothing of them and you won’t be disappointed.

Just concentrate on your baby and don’t waste your money or mental energy on anything else.

@DonKeyshot because of my ex’s behaviour my unborn is on a child protection plan, the meeting my mother was supposed to attend with me but didn’t come. It’s so annoying and frustrating because I’m going through this when I’ve literally cut him out my life and pressed charges and got a restraining order and put my child and her needs first so it’s all really stressful, my aunt live 3hours away so it will be hard to do. The social worker has already written in the report that I’m “isolated” because my mother lives 20minutes away so I wonder what she would say about my aunt

@SunniDay honestly I really want to cut ties with them, there’s more to it but they are very toxic and yes I’ve made a self referral to home start. Hopefully my mother will be there at the labour and when it’s time for me to take the baby home && at any conference meeting I may have to give them a peace of mind but I don’t think this will happen.