If you have autism, how do you find parenting?

[MonstranceClock]

I’m struggling a bit with guilt, as I feel like I am not providing for my daughter emotionally enough. I do not like being touched, unless I initiate it. I try to as much as I can, but she is a very affectionate and touchy child and I feel bad for getting so upset with her. It’s constant and I’m stating to worry I will make her feel unloved. I worry she is being too much affectionate because she feels like I don’t love her. How do you get past this? There are some parts of parenting that I just can’t do and feel ashamed that I had her really, and am having a other one. I worry 2 will be too much for me to handle.

Aibu to ask if you have any coping strategies and how you overcome issues you have due to having asd or something similar?

I find it very very hard. In the early days there was no time for me until to do my calming activities, so it was pretty horrendous for me. That got better, but I still feel I might not be ‘hearing’ her emotionally and providing the right feedback. And I’m not good socially, so who knows what will happen on that front. I also used to feel sooo guilty about needing a fair bit of alone time, but now I know it is a proper NEED for me, not just me being selfish. I will only ever have one child. Two I know would potentially end me.

Do you have support? I don’t really have any. Really worrying that two really will end me!

I find it hard and a struggle. Acknowledging it is a good thing. Are you single parent or do you have a partner? How old is your daughter. I found early intervention support very helpful - is that something you can access through school? Mostly because they come and remind you of all the great stuff you do.
Are you anxious? Are you on meds. I found anti-ds helped so much.
I think you might get some respondents on here not able to understand. Yes it will affect her but you know that. Any local support groups?

Coping strategies are the playgroups and family who know what is going on for me. Also trying to being kind to myself and forgive what I can’t cope with, and lowering my parenting expectations

My husband died at the beginning of the year, so it’s just me. I have a lot going on, working part time and doing my degree. I don’t see her much because of this and should be so happy to spend time with her which I am, but I feel so tired that I’m more irratable with her and even less tolerant. She just wants to always be touching me, playing with my hair, she will grab my hand and kiss it etc. Really nice sweet things but i hate it.

My goodness, you poor thing, that is so hard.

I’m so sorry for your loss - that must be making an already difficult task so much harder.

I’m currently attending a support group for mothers with ASD, and we all find it challenging in very different ways.

I haven’t had the ‘touched out’ problem so much, but I definitely recognise it, and I have on occasion had to tell my DC that I need to have 15 minutes on my own to avoid a meltdown (from me). For me, it’s staying calm when they are suffering from overwhelming emotion that is the biggest challenge. That and getting the three of them to school on time and presentable.

I think the first thing is to acknowledge you are doing something difficult (parenting), that is particularly hard for you (as an autistic mother), in circumstances that most people find hard even to think about (bereavement).

If you feel you’re not doing well enough, recognise first how well you are doing.

Be gentle on yourself.

After that, it’s just a question of reading the parenting books that you find bearable and working out what works for you and your DC (because every family is different and different strategies work well for each).

I like ‘How to Talk So Children Listen’ and ‘Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting’.

Maybe also spend a little time thinking about the ways being autistic can make you a better parent.

I’m sure that my need to say things explicitly and have clear rules and boundaries is good for the DC. Taking their questions seriously and engaging with them on an equal level is good too.

I’m not very good at social rules, which has two effects that I think are useful for parenting. One) I’m used to having to articulate the rules that many take for granted and two) if I’m comfortable with what I’m doing, I don’t really care what other people think. That’s useful to model for children.

Ps if you’re tired, of course you will find all that touching and cuddling harder to bear. Do you know what re-charges you? (For me, it’s running).
Can you cut something out to put in more of that, before you get grouchy with DD?

I have a number of autistic men in my extended family and have found that the ones who are themselves around their kids tend to have better relationships with their kids. For one of them that means no hugging (they go to their mum / gran for hugs, but go to dad if they want a story or for fun play) and for the other the kids have just grown up with the understanding that they need to warn him that they’re going to have a cuddle. It might not be conventional parenting but it works for everyone and all the kids are aware of their dad’s autism.

Hi @MonstranceClock I thought I’d just check in to see how you’re doing?

A bit better today Thankyou, just tired. I’ve only just got home.

I hear you. Exhaustion is a feature.

I saw a lovely thing the other day, a classroom where the teacher greets the children at the door, she has pictures of a heart, a pair of hands and some musical notes outside the door. Depending on which of the pictures the children touch as they come through the door, the greeting they get varies- heart = hug, hands = high fives, musical notes = a non-contact dance. As the parent of an ASD child who has a massive need for hugs, and getting very touched out at times myself, I wonder whether something similar might work for you, a visual cue for her to know what sort of mood you are in?

I found it much harder when they were toddlers/infants than I did when they became that little bit older. Often DH would be at work and by tea time I wanted to put them to bed because I found it too hard being so attentive constantly. But like I say as they got older it became less of a struggle, and when they hit the teens they understood me more which actually made things much easier. My biggest parenting struggle has been with empathy and over investment in their emotions. I could never understand how people seem so detached from their kids and their feelings.

@Allfednonedead

Taking their questions seriously and engaging with them on an equal level is good too.

That's another thing I struggle with, I always listen to mine and do exactly what you are saying, but I also wonder why people are so dismissive of their children

I am very sorry for the loss of your DH.

Some children need more physical contact than others and the loss of her father will of course mean she needs more from you. I don’t know if any of these suggestions will help, but hopefully one might:

• can you set a time aside for physical contact? The time will be prearranged and limited so you’ll know when it ends (your DD doesn’t need to know why it is ending, i.e. that you can’t cope, you could always tell a white lie, e.g. we’ll have a lovely, hugely time before bed but at XX hour you have to go to sleep.

• can you set boundaries for the things you find most intolerable? Hair twirling is a no no for me, but I like hugs. I appreciate it all makes you uncomfortable, but if you can limit the things you most dislike maybe the others will be more comfortable. Or try hugs with no moving is that is easier.

• can you find some time to reintroduce your calming activities? I let all of mine drop due to lack of time and it was a mistake.

you need to take sensory breaks. Maybe try and desensitise yourself a bit to being touched, like maybe have times where you lie together for hug where you have planned it, but accept that you do need warnings.
I find parenting quite stressful. I dont understand why they wont do what i need them to do. I am struggling with trying to explain this to them when im not authoritative naturally. I am really bad at teaching them to organise themselves and be tidy when this is something I struggle with. Ive also melted down at them which isnt pretty. I can be pretty snappy if theyre being loud and giddy and I need a sensory break but cant get one.

Overall though, I dont think im terrible. I think there are things I understand about them and accept, that other people dont. I think im really fierce when it comes to fighting for them. Im assertive

It’s definitely a challenge. DD is very physically affectionate. I can tolerate this from her better than from most but sometimes I do have to ask her to stop! I can’t share a bed with her! I think I’m white an understanding parent, my DD has a lot of sensory issues (I’m still convinced she’ll be diagnosed eventually) and I understand her better than an NT parent would I think.
It sounds like you need to ensure you get time to yourself OP. You’re still in the early stages of grieving and dealing with a lot of you’re working and studying. You need to schedule in some time for just you and also 1:1 fun time with your DD.

i'm so sorry for your loss op. i can't imagine ever having to face a situation where i was a single working parent to two, although i seen it done and i'm in complete awe.

the only way i've coped is by realising i have to conserve my energy and pick my battles. i've worked very part time, studied and had my own little business but these days i'm a sahm (to teens) and i finally have the no-contact time i need to really thrive. i've had to shed an awful lot of "should"s and cultural norms along the way.

when i had too much on my plate (pre-diagnosis) it led to incredibly poor "coping" strategies, increased anxiety, turning into panic attacks and complete failure to function. i was heavily medicated during this period to make it to the end of the day. post-diagnosis i have a much firmer grasp of how and what to prioritise. building/maintaining a support system (friends/family/acquaintances and professional) has been part of that.

reaching out online can form part of a support system and is particularly helpful if you're only available at odd times or find text easier than face-to-face. wishing you every good luck.

OP, I'm really sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for starting this thread to gather support for parents with ASD.

Can you recover during naptime? When my daughter naps, I try and have a complete break as and when I need it - sometimes I sleep too, if I feel I can. I have tried to cut down on screen time (smartphone and TV) because for me it's a massive sensory trigger. I don't have the TV on more than an hour a day, and that's seemed to help DD find ways to amuse herself so that if I do have to sit quietly for a few minutes I can. She has plenty of engaging toys nearby - crayons and blocks are good, books less so because she wants me to read to her while she sits on my lap which can be overwhelming.

I've really had to step up use of a weekly planner because my focus has been all over the place, but it has turned me from a whirlwind mess into something approaching a functioning adult I quite enjoy the routine of getting my diary out and filling it all in of an evening too.

You're doing great. I know it's so easy to feel guilty but you have to address your own needs as well. I don't think little ones remember the times they were sad and frustrated as well as we do.

She’s 5, so nap time haha.

I heard of a woman who locked herself into the bathroom for an hour everyday and told her DC they could only disturb her ‘if there was blood’.

And when my DM minds her grandchildren, she says grannies need quiet time after lunch and lies down for an hour. The GC are expected to amuse themselves quietly.

It’s ok to teach your DC that you have needs, and that they sometimes need to respect those needs.

I don't have a diagnosis of Autism, but I find the constant touching difficult. I'm pregnant at the moment, and my abdomen feels weird in a hard to describe way. DS (4 yrs) likes to kiss "the baby" and I try to tolerate it but it feels so yuck! Also, I don't like too much "snuggling" or "nestling", and when we went through a clingy patch at nursery drop offs, I felt very very uncomfortable.

I think it's fine to set boundaries, and at 5, your daughter is old enough to understand "Mummy doesn't like it when..." You may need to pick your poison and steel yourself to tolerate the least sensorily challenging thing (if possible).

It really isn't just you, and the fact that you are concerned about it illustrates that you care.