to feel I can't say "It's OK".

[IwantaBumblebee]

For my DS's 4th birthday we invited four families out on a day trip to a theme park near us. All confirmed attendance and they also replied 10 days before the party to confirm allergies/food preferences.

I invited a close friend's three children and she did not turn up on the day, with no message sent at all. Her children go to a different school, but I see her quite regularly as we help run a charity together.

The party started late as we were waiting for her, and as there were only 6 other children attending, it really affected the numbers.
My children kept asking where they were. For me it knocked the shine of the day, as I felt it was quite shitty she did not contact me at all to say she wasn't coming. I felt disappointed. I had to pay for her kids as there was a minimum number I had to pay for. I had also put together quite personalised goodie-bags for her different aged children.

Friends texted her over the following days, but heard nothing back. So then we started to worry that something awful had happened - illness or bad family situation.

It turns out she had lost her phone, with her calendar in. She could have emailed me, or Facebooked me using her husband's phone. However, she said she didn't think the party was this weekend.

She sent a Facebook apology and I messaged back to say that thank God she was OK, and it was just a lost phone - we were worried. Also that I had goodie bags for the kids. I'm the kind of person who usually re-assures people and says "It's OK", but I felt I could not do it. I feel a bit annoyed. I just wrote "It's a shame you weren't there".

AIBU to feel I can't just say "It's OK?" or "Never mind".

I'm sure when I see her I will check she's OK and be fine with her.

…..I didn't just write "It's a shame you weren't there" - it was part of the longer response about her being safe and goodie bags!

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill

Me too. It's a kids party not the coronation

I don't think she'll probably notice if you write "it's OK" or not really.
She clearly lives by her phone, as do lots of people. To her she lost her calender, missed the party and has said sorry. Either move on or it will eat you up.

From what you've already said to her, you don't need to say 'it's OK' because you've already given her that impression.
If you want to be pissed off with her then you need to let her know that. There is nothing worse than someone 'falling out' with someone else but not explaining why.

Incidentally I do think that your friend ought to apologise, she may have got her days muddled up but that doesn't absolve her of responsibility.

So don’t say it’s ok. You don’t have to impress upon her that you’re fine with it when you aren’t. Why do you feel the need to reassure her anyway?

If she's not normally like this I'd let it go. We've all got dates mixed up at times, and she has apologised.

If she won't notice I didn't write "It's OK", then you are right - I have nothing to worry about. I thought she would notice I did not say it.

If she wasn't such a close friend I would not have been that bothered. Last year my DD had 30 kids at her party and one did not show up - I didn't mind (although thought it a bit cheeky). It was because of the low numbers and close friends invited.

I'm sure when I see her I will check she's OK and be fine with her.

Why would she not be? She lost her phone not an eye.

Yes I know AnneLovesGilbert. I said that in case people jumped to conclusions that I'd make a big thing about it (as people jump to conclusions on Mumsnet).

YABU to hold on to resentments like this; it's done with, she apologised and has let go.

It's a shame but holding onto it means you're jeopardising your friendship for a mistake. I'd hope my friends would be gentle on me if I lost my phone; my whole world resides in mine and I'd have no idea what we were doing at the weekend if it went awol.

Who says I'm jeopardising my friendship - I said I'll be fine with her when I see her. That doesn't mean I don't have the right to feel a bit annoyed. I think it's a sad state if we are entering a world where people can now just not turn up to stuff (with three invitees) and the person who organised it and paid for it, should just feel nothing at all straight afterwards.

I think relying on phones has it's drawbacks - people don't have to remember anything!

I’d be pissed off, op. I just don’t get why you’re desperate to appear as if you’re not. Don’t fallout over it, but there’s no need to nail on a big fake smile in an attempt to convince her what she did was fine.
She’s knows it’s not.

I had to pay for her kids as there was a minimum number I had to pay for.

^I would be annoyed too OP. Has she found her phone now?

That sounds slightly ridiculous, Brownie... We all keep a lot of info on our phones, but not knowing what you’re doing next weekend unless you log into your online calendar?

Thanks Headintheclouds - that's what I think. It's just that I usually placate people, which can means people see me as a bit of a walkover ("she'll be OK about it"). It feels weird not to placate.

If I'd been in her situation and lost my phone, I would have checked with others what the date was, or emailed/Facebooked the host, particularly with a close friend. I'd only messaged about the party 10 days prior, so she knew it was coming up. I don't like to let people down and turn up to things when I say I will.

I’d be pissed off too op. In fact it’s happened to me leaving only 3 attending my dd’s party. I felt hurt and cross. It took me ages to get over it!!! In the end I pulled myself together but I get you. It’s annoying. I understand how it’s happened as I have 4 kids and have dropped the ball on stuff but it feels hurtful when something clearly isn’t important enough to be on the radar enough for her to just remember.

That sounds slightly ridiculous, Brownie... We all keep a lot of info on our phones, but not knowing what you’re doing next weekend unless you log into your online calendar?

Ridiculous or not it's how it works. I work full time, work away on a regular basis, have two DCs at different schools with sports activities 7 days a week, a DH who also works full time who goes away as often as I do, a role as a school Governor, a Cub leader and all the other usual family/friend/social stuff means that unless I look at my calendar each day I'd be lost.

FudgeBrownie - I am as busy as you are, and everything gets transferred to a paper calendar as well. I guess it's just preference, but there's always that risk that it's only in that one place if your phone breaks, gets lost, etc.

Fern - Yes exactly - if it's not on your radar, then it's not that important.

If you lost your phone and solely rely on it for organising your time, why wouldn't you log into your Google/outlook/I calendar online to see what you had planned for the days you would be phoneless? Sounds like a lame excuse to me

No one is saying you can't be a bit annoyed, but it's also not actually her fault. She didn't have access to her calendar, she thought it was a different day, she has apologised. These things happen.

Hi I solely rely on my calendar on my phone and never know what I am doing except for looking at my phone. It's not good but it normally works for me. If she's genuinely messed up, then it's ok to say it's not fine you hurt my feelings and gave me loads of stress but once she's appologised you have to let it go. I appreciate you have a vague idea of what's happening when but she obviously didn't you're just very different that way.

After all we're not perfect we're human and being a god friend is about saying"you let me down but I forgive you but don't let it happen again!". Slap her wrist and move on!

Massively lowering your expectations of other people helps I find