To feel like part of my life's been taken away?

[Mamasaurus82]

An old friend of mine moved to the same village as me a few years after I did and we both thought it was great we could hang out again. I'd already got some contacts, friends, hobbies etc here. I was happy to introduce her to a few people and she made lots of friends herself.
A few years down the line, we both have toddlers. I feel like my energy levels are pretty low. She is out all the time and says she's tired, but also always has stories of big nights out, always involving the friends i introduced her to, who I've kind of drifted apart from. She is also really involved in one of the hobbies i had got involved with when i moved, but now feel too tired and busy to engage with. She had no interest in this before i introduced her to these friends. She sometimes invites me to stuff, but often doesn't. I feel like once I've put my DS to bed, I need to unwind and then sleep. How can people go out drinking etc so much when they have kids? My husband jokes that she's stolen that bit of my life. How does she find the time/ energy? AIBU to feel bitter?

I don't think the really is about her. It's about your feelings. You feel left out, but you don't have the energy to do it anyway. Hopefully you will get your energy back when the kids are a bit bigger. Not everybody reacts to becoming a parent the same way. Comparison is the thief of joy, while you are busy comparing her life to yours, and your life to the life you used to have, you are not being happy with where you are right now. It's ok to enjoy quiet nights in, if that is what you enjoy now. I am looking forward to when my kids are older and I've got a little bit more money and time flexibility and can be more sociable again, but right now it would just be an added stress and I would be too tired to enjoy it. Obviously your friend does not feel like this, whereas you are feeling conflicted. So either learn to enjoy what you have, or make some space to go out more yourself. It's up to you, but in order to have something new in your life you have to sacrifice something you already have. So in order to go out more, you would be sacrificing those cosy nights in. Work out what you want, but this is not about your friend. If you weren't comparing yourself to her you would be comparing yourself to somebody else or who you used to be.

nothing wrong with wanting an early night!

Work out what life you want right now, ignore your friend who has different priorities and does think differently.

I honestly think that if you have the energy to waste a couple or more hours in front of the tv in the evening, you could use at least 1 hour to do something for you, sport or hobby. It's healthier. But it's a choice, as long as you are happy with your life, ignore the others and if you are not, make changes!

I think different people have different energy levels and it’s partly just genetic. I’ve always been a bit frenetic. I make multiple plans per day and get very bored and lonely very quickly if I have an evening in. I just don’t feel the need to rest after work, even if I’m tired. I get re-energised by seeing my friends, going for a run, watching a film at the cinema etc.

Other people just seem to collapse after work and can’t manage more than one evening activity a week. Everyone’s different and there’s no point comparing your life to hers as you don’t want that life anymore.

Work out what YOU actually want from life at this stage in your life and then go get it, and ignore what others are or aren’t doing.

YABU to feel bitter, its your choice to stay in and go to bed.

Good advice! Thanks. It's not troubling me excessively. I'm happy with my life, genuinely. It actually only bothers me when i see her and this is all she can talk about and have occasionally avoided seeing her because It's a bit tedious... but wanted to see what you thought. Good to hear a mixture...

You sound bitter OP. This has nothing to do with your friend, this is about you and how you feel about your life with a toddler.

I have 2 under 2 and still go out drinking on occasion! I don't drink to excess though... hangovers are unbearable with a baby and toddler.

If you're happy with your life, like you say, then stop comparing your life to your friend.

What is it you are feeling bitter about? The fact your friend finds the time and energy to socialise and do the hobby or the fact you don't and think everyone should feel like you?

You do sound a bit jealous of your friend and as if you want things to fall in your lap to give you the best of both worlds without you making any effort.

I think your friend makes you feel like you should want to do those things. You don't have to.

I do lots of bits after my kids are in bed. It's my sanity. Doesn't mean that's right for you

I’m actually feeling sorry got your friend!
Your feelings are all from you, she’s done nothing wrong - but you find her tedious and avoid her now. You can’t force a friendship if you’ve grown apart - but I think your husband is doing no-one any favours stoking the “ages stolen your life” feelings.
She hasn’t.

I don't quite understand why you think she's stolen part of your life - I don;t think she's done anything wrong, you just have different life styles.
Having children does cause life changes - for some people it leaves you exhausted and you just want to relax at home when they've gone to bed - and that is totally fine. Other people feel the urge to get right out of the domestic environment to relax - and that is fine too. And of course different toddlers can be comparitively more or less exhausting.

I've got a chronic health condition at the moment and I often don;t feel like doing anything. Sometimes I force myself to go to social things/hobbies etc. and I'm always glad I did because they make me feel better. Other times I just can't summon the energy and I cancel.

I think rather than seeing one person as the cause. (because she isn't) focus on the changes having children has bought to your life and whether you are happy with how things are, or would like things to be different. If you are content with staying in then embrace that at this time of your life, maybe yoou could find a hobby or craft you can just do in the evenings at home if you feel like it, or plan 'nights in' activities for you and your DH - a good film, a take away or whatever.

I'm sure there is a saying that is something like 'comparison is the thief of joy' - and it is true - your friends life style is irrelevant. Decide what you want and try to fulfill that, and remember that things change as children get older - you'll feel less exhausted. (And although it is perfectly normal to feel exhausted by a toddler, I'd also check there isn't anything physically making you exhausted - you could be a bit anaemic or something that is easily solved. )

YABU. Sounds like you did a really great job at helping your friend integrate within the village and you should be happy she seems happy. You need to look at yourself and ask yourself why you don't want to go out and why have you distanced yourself from your hobbies. Doing such things and low energy are signs of depression.

Have you been to the doctors re your energy levels? If you can’t do all the things you want to be doing, certainly worth getting checked. If there’s nothing wrong, I also find doing exercise gives me more energy.

If you want to go out more then make it happen?

Chuck7 makes a very good point about depression - can't think why I didn't think of that as I have it and it often makes me feel exactly as you describe - again it is somethng you can get help with in a form that suits you.

There isn't a single 'cake' of energy, where the bigger a slice she gets, the less there is left for you, OP. But I think you know that perfectly well.

I think you feel aggrieved because you think she's living your life better than you are at the moment she's having fun with your old friends from whom you've drifted apart, and doing your old hobby, in which you're no longer interested, because you feel too tired and busy. I think you should just own your feelings you don't want to do this stuff at the moment -- and stop resenting her for feeling able to do it. Or, as others have suggested, if you really want to, but your lack of energy and tiredness is preventing it, talk to your GP, and get your iron and B12 levels checked.

I'm exactly the same, I'm shattered by the time the kids go to bed. I go to my own bed straight after. I had a hobby that I've introduced my friend to, I feel too tired to go. Ive lost interest in going out at night. I dont blame my friend for going, its all down to me.

You don't know what your friend's situation is - perhaps she gets more help than you do at home? Perhaps getting out with friends is what she needs for her sanity? Perhaps she's just one of those people who are constantly on the go?

That said, it sounds like you're missing your social life a lot so maybe you could attend one of these nights out and see how you find it.

Thanks for your responses. I've enjoyed reading them and it has been therapeutic .