When I was a teenager I became stranded on the streets of a city centre, hundreds of miles from my family. I had been lied to and deceived by the people I knew as they were all heavy drug users. My then boyfriend was a heroin addict and had stolen my belongings and money. I had left him after learning about this but did not know where to go or how to seek help.
I was approached by stranger who happened to be passing by at the time. The stranger never told me his name but casually complimented me on my looks. He said there was a group of people taking part in a show for the music industry and that I could join them. He said he was one of the managers and that I would be perfect to go with them, he assured me that the pay was generous. He asked me to go along with him and meet the rest of the people.
I felt very dubious about his offer but naively decided to go, I felt I had very little choice as I knew of nowhere else to go.
The man took me to his accommodation, there were no other people there. Once inside he locked the door and offered me alcohol. I refused and immediately felt things weren’t right. He told me I HAD to drink, I became really scared as his tone was aggressive. He kept smiling at me but I knew the situation was not good. I was scared to I wanted to leave. The drink he gave me was lager and I hated it; I was sipping slowly but felt so frightened.
He knelt in front of the TV and put on a very X-rated pornographic show. I felt even more scared as he sat beside her and started to explain what was happening on the show. I didn’t want to watch but he was very demanding that I looked at what was happening.
I felt afraid he would harm me, I thought he may kill me.
He demanded that I take off my clothes, I didn’t, I was scared and did not want to take off my clothes. He came towards me and said I was too beautiful to wear clothes, he physically removed my trousers and underwear.
He touched me intimately, we didn’t have sex but he touched me a lot.
I was scared for my life, I didn’t speak, I didn’t ask him to stop and I didn’t ask to leave.
Afterwards a woman came to the property and I took the chance to make it known I needed to leave, I lied saying I would come back. He arranged a car to take me to an address to collect my belongings. He said himself and the woman would come to collect me personally if I didn’t come back.
I got in the back of the car and directed it near the location of her heroin addict boyfriends house.
I directed him about 10 houses away. (I knew there was a field behind the houses), I got out of the car and ran to the back door of the random house. I jumped over the back wall and ran crying down the field to the back of my boyfriend’s house. When there I ran inside and went upstairs telling him I was tired and needed to sleep – I was so scared.
The following morning, I left and never went back.
For many years I have never told anybody as I have felt so ashamed of what had happened. I feel foolish for what happened, I feel stupid. In later life I realized that I am unable to trust anybody. My lack of trust affects everything I do and every situation I am in.
I am seeing a psychologist for General Anxiety, Social Anxiety, trust issues and OCD.
I have never spoken about this incident, but it keeps coming back to me suddenly.
Was I abused or just naive and stupid?