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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was this Sexual Abuse?

13 replies

springtimeishere · 16/10/2019 12:25

When I was a teenager I became stranded on the streets of a city centre, hundreds of miles from my family. I had been lied to and deceived by the people I knew as they were all heavy drug users. My then boyfriend was a heroin addict and had stolen my belongings and money. I had left him after learning about this but did not know where to go or how to seek help.
I was approached by stranger who happened to be passing by at the time. The stranger never told me his name but casually complimented me on my looks. He said there was a group of people taking part in a show for the music industry and that I could join them. He said he was one of the managers and that I would be perfect to go with them, he assured me that the pay was generous. He asked me to go along with him and meet the rest of the people.
I felt very dubious about his offer but naively decided to go, I felt I had very little choice as I knew of nowhere else to go.
The man took me to his accommodation, there were no other people there. Once inside he locked the door and offered me alcohol. I refused and immediately felt things weren’t right. He told me I HAD to drink, I became really scared as his tone was aggressive. He kept smiling at me but I knew the situation was not good. I was scared to I wanted to leave. The drink he gave me was lager and I hated it; I was sipping slowly but felt so frightened.
He knelt in front of the TV and put on a very X-rated pornographic show. I felt even more scared as he sat beside her and started to explain what was happening on the show. I didn’t want to watch but he was very demanding that I looked at what was happening.
I felt afraid he would harm me, I thought he may kill me.
He demanded that I take off my clothes, I didn’t, I was scared and did not want to take off my clothes. He came towards me and said I was too beautiful to wear clothes, he physically removed my trousers and underwear.
He touched me intimately, we didn’t have sex but he touched me a lot.
I was scared for my life, I didn’t speak, I didn’t ask him to stop and I didn’t ask to leave.
Afterwards a woman came to the property and I took the chance to make it known I needed to leave, I lied saying I would come back. He arranged a car to take me to an address to collect my belongings. He said himself and the woman would come to collect me personally if I didn’t come back.
I got in the back of the car and directed it near the location of her heroin addict boyfriends house.
I directed him about 10 houses away. (I knew there was a field behind the houses), I got out of the car and ran to the back door of the random house. I jumped over the back wall and ran crying down the field to the back of my boyfriend’s house. When there I ran inside and went upstairs telling him I was tired and needed to sleep – I was so scared.
The following morning, I left and never went back.
For many years I have never told anybody as I have felt so ashamed of what had happened. I feel foolish for what happened, I feel stupid. In later life I realized that I am unable to trust anybody. My lack of trust affects everything I do and every situation I am in.
I am seeing a psychologist for General Anxiety, Social Anxiety, trust issues and OCD.
I have never spoken about this incident, but it keeps coming back to me suddenly.
Was I abused or just naive and stupid?

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 16/10/2019 12:28

You were abused, definitely x

Namechange84 · 16/10/2019 12:29

Yes it was absolutely abuse and I'd be concerned that this person was a sex trafficker.

Can you remember addresses etc of where these people were and the dates? I don't think you would have been the only vulnerable teenager targeted. It might be worth reporting it to the police, even after a long period of time.

It was very very wrong. Completely abusive. Not your fault and should never have happened. Flowers

springtimeishere · 16/10/2019 12:35

I have been sure for some time that It would of been some sort of sex trafficking as on the way to the car he took me to another address and 'showed me' to a much older non English speaking man. It felt life I was an offering of some sort.
It was so scary and I was so surprised I got away.
I couldn't provide an address only an estimated location, it was a large tower block in a big city but this was over 20 years ago. I would hope the people would of been brought to justice in that time.

OP posts:
Areyoufree · 16/10/2019 12:37

Bloody hell - you have no reason to feel foolish, OP. It sounds like you handled a potentially extremely dangerous situation very well. You were targetted - likely by someone who knew exactly what they were doing - but managed to escape. Give yourself the credit that you deserve! You were a child (or close to one - not sure how young you mean by teenager) with little choice - as you said, you had nowhere to go. What an utterly horrendous situation.

gracepoolesrum · 16/10/2019 12:39

Yes, definitely abuse, I'm sorryFlowers

This might not come as much comfort but when we experience trauma it often gets buried deep until we're in a safer space where we can begin to process it. So the fact that you are seeing a psychologist and getting help now may have brought this to the surface and you can begin to deal with it.
Please don't feel ashamed, the fault is entirely with your abuser. I strongly suggest you speak to your psychologist if you can. It will be hard at first but it will get easier.

puppyconfetti · 16/10/2019 12:41

I felt even more scared as he sat beside her and started to explain what was happening on the show.

He sat down beside who? Or have you slipped into the wrong tense/party?

springtimeishere · 16/10/2019 12:44

Sorry I meant sat beside me. I originally wrote it out as a third person so I could read it myself as an observer. It really confused me.
Thank you for your comments, it really helps me put things into perspective x

OP posts:
Pardonwhat · 16/10/2019 12:45

Definitely abuse. I’m sorry this happened to you Flowers
And if you felt up to it at any point I’d report it. Maybe the police can’t do anything. But it could also be the missing piece or extra evidence if they know of these people already.

Be kind to yourself Flowers

puppyconfetti · 16/10/2019 12:45

I understand. It sounds horrendous and definitely something you should try to talk over with your psychologist Thanks

SinkGirl · 16/10/2019 12:48

OP, there’s no question this was abuse. I experienced abuse in children and then again in my late teens and it’s only in my mid 30s that I feel able to process a lot of it.

I noticed a few times in your post you wrote “her” instead of “my”. I’m wondering if you’re feeling like this happened to someone else rather than you? Some of my experiences damaged me so much that my memory of them was more like a film I’d seen than something that happened to me. It’s hard to explain.

When are you next seeing someone? If it’s a while you might want to speak to a charity like Rape Crisis?

AngelsSins · 16/10/2019 12:55

Evil rapey bastard. This is not your shame to carry OP, it’s the shame of a weak, pathetic little man who thinks he can rape and abuse teenagers. You may have been a little naive to have gone with him, most teenagers aren’t as smart as they think they are, but you had the smarts to get out of there, you formulated a plan so that they couldn’t find you, you should be incredibly proud of yourself for that.

springtimeishere · 16/10/2019 14:53

Thank you everybody, I feel much better now and able to work on recovering from this awful memory. If I can remember enough to involve police then I will. Thank you all for your kind support and messages x

OP posts:
Idontneeditatall · 16/10/2019 14:59

Op that’s awful and I feel really upset for you. What makes me so angry though is that women doubt themselves. This is obviously 100% abuse and no one could ever argue otherwise but women doubt themselves and are scared to
Label things as abuse which clearly are.
It’s such a shame and indicative of the way society is for some reason

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