Living with ex and feeling anxious

[PickMyselfUpAgain]

My husband has finally left me after a long time of messing me about (back and forth splitting up - I later found out there was an OW although he denies he's with anyone now). I've posted numerous times, sometimes with different usernames.

He is still living in our family house (jointly owned and mortgages) and I know legally I can't ask him to leave.

We've been getting on ok but this is due to me trying to be the bigger person and put aside all the hurt he's caused me in order to have a decent relationship in front of our small DC. (For the record, he is a great father).

I'm getting increasingly anxious, stressed and wound up about our situation. To me it feels like he's got everything - lives with us but can still lead another life as and when it suits him (meeting up with OW and seemingly texting her all the time). Whereas I'm leaving a half life in this horrible limbo.

I still have some feelings for him (despite all the lying and cheating - go figure!) so when he's nice to me it's confusing. Although saying that, I hated it when he was horrible to me so no I guess him being nice is preferable. But then he goes and lies again about something to do with the OW and I get so angry.
Luckily I'm able to control my emotions in front of him so he doesn't really see this - at the most I'm just withdrawn and don't engage in many conversations with him.

I feel like I can't move on emotionally and I don't know what to do to stop feeling stressed. I have to accept he can stay here but how do I get past the other life he seems to be happily leading? Part of me desperately wants us to save the marriage but deep down I know this isn't possible (even if he wanted to) as I would never trust him again and can't believe he's treated me the way he has and never shown any remorse or empathy.

I know this isn't an AIBU but I'm posting for traffic. If anyone has been here and survived I'd love some guidance on how to get through it. Thanks in advance.

Sorry - didn't realise how long this post was! Well done to anyone who reads it all!

I can’t seem offer any great advice OP but I know one thing for sure, you will be able move on when you are not under the same roof as him.
He’s not a great dad btw, a good dad is deserving of the title when he respects the mother of his children imo.

What needs to happen for you to be able to live separately so you can move forward rather than your life remaining in stasis?

I agree he's not a great dad. Great dads don't treat their child's mother this way or cause her such misery.

I do agree - I think he's treated me awfully and I have pointed out that he'd be furious if anyone treated out kids the way he has to me.

In terms of what I can do to get him to leave ... I don't know. I assume he'll say financially it doesn't work for him to move out so it'll be once we come to an agreement on what we do with the house.

Tell him it's time you sold the house, divided the profit and moved on with your lives. You are entitled to feel happy as well as he is

Bloody hell OP it's hard enough to live with an ex even when it's all been amicable.

It's crazy to think you can all live together while he sees someone else. That would not work for anyone. How can you move on without any distance? He is rubbing it in your face every day. This is not healthy, your relationship has officially changed but you're living as though it's not, it cant be good for you or the kids, its going to be very confusing for them.
You will have to speak to a solicitor. Its difficult and a long process but I believe you can force a sale. Start preparing for moving - chuck junk away and get the house valued at least. Work out if you can afford to buy him out and what you are likely to get in a divorce settlement.

Other option is to rent a small 2 bed flat somewhere else in the mean time and you and him take turns to live in it and the other sees the kids at yours. I think with the OW situation though a clean break from him is best.

I'm been living in this situation for a few months now but I have light at the end of the tunnel as EX is due to move within 14 days.
You will feel much better if you can take some sort of control of the situation. You know you will never trust him, now envisage life without him... what do want? is it achievable? will you have to face short term pain for long term gain? how do the finances stack up?
Honestly, splitting up is a long term process and you will have powerful days and weepy days but that has to be better than limbo. You can do this!

I think that you have to get out more. Please don’t be the default parent. He is living like a single person with all the childrens’ needs taken care of for him. Decide what you want in terms of custody and put it in place now. So, if you think that 50/50 might work, then make him responsible for parenting the kids for that amount of time. Make sure that you go out with friends and have some fun. If he is having to parent properly and yet can’t have the OW to stay over etc, then he may prefer to move out. He’s too comfortable atm.

He's got the best of both World's, that needs to come to an end.

It will start to destroy you, living as you are.

You need to start to make plans to split. Have you seen a Solicitor? He is unreasonable in having an affair and still expecting to live in the house.

Meanwhile could you start a hobby or join a gym etc to get out more?

Having to control your emotions and put up with this is causing your anxiety. You are allowing him to impact on your mental health. This will impact on the children.

You need to rethink things today.

Thank you all. Your comments are really helpful.

I know I'm letting him have an easy life but the alternative was very upsetting. But as much as it breaks my heart there really can't be any way back and at the moment the reality of that is only hitting me as I'm making the compromises in life rather than him.

I've been avoiding conversations about "what's next" but this can't continue. I guess I'll have to bite the bullet and have the difficult chat.

I've been so up and down and the previous poster who is going through the same noted that some days are worse. That's definitely been how I've felt lately. I just can't move forward (not in terms of seeing anyone myself but just adjusting to my new life) with him still around like we are together.

Sorry but if you want the limbo to cease and start moving forwards, you really need to push forwards with 'what's next' conversations.

Have you had any legal advice? If not, see a solicitor ASAP and get some plans under way. Even if nothing happens immediately just knowing that you've taken a bit of control back may help with your anxiety.

At the moment, everything is on his terms. He is literally having his cake and eating it. And that's at your expense. Not fair. Something needs to change. And you need to push it - why would he when he's got everything he wants with no compromise?

Another one willing to bet that you are “default parent”.

I lived with my XH for 4 months whilst I bought a house. Easier for me as I’d been the one to end it - that said, it was due to his cheating so it was no picnic!

Day to day, I coped by not giving a flying fuck about him, and by taking my kids away at weekends a lot. I tended to do that anyway though.

You need a plan. Not a “difficult chat”, but a plan, backed up by having researched your options and spoken to a solicitor. He doesn’t get to end it with you then sit back and enjoy life as it is. This isn’t about what he wants now, but about how you want to move forward. Do you want to stay in the house without him? Can you afford to? Have you seen a solicitor yet.

Sort out what you want, and what is realistic- hopefully they’re not too different! Then tell him.

I saw your other thread - what happened to him moving in with OW?

You need to start making plans which prioritize you and the DC - what he wants is completely irrelevant. A solicitor will be able to advise you on the legal options available to you (forcing a sale, getting an occupation order - though if he has not been violent or demonstrated coercive control, this is probably not possible). It's not a bad idea to maintain a civil relationship with him while you are sharing a house, but that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat indefinitely.

@Ellisandra he moved out and back in again ... apparently they aren't in a relationship. But I don't believe him obviously. He doesn't realise how bad he is at lying and how obvious his behaviour changes are.

Have you seen a solicitor yet?