DP, in addition to just being a generally shitty person at times, not doing his bit around the house and leaving me to do most of the caring for our DC - has been making me feel really really shitty recently.
I do everything in this house. I wash, cook, clean, iron, look after DC. I’m a SAHM and DP works full time.
Since living together, DP has cooked around 5 meals, has put in about 3 loads of laundry and that is all he has contributed to running this household (apart from money wise, he pays all bills apart from food) so I do a lot and he does sweet F all. Granted some days the washing doesn’t get done, there’s piles of ironing and I’m so exhausted we order a takeaway. This is what he zones in on.
It’s never appreciated what I do, do - he’s only focused on what I don’t. It’s always “You never do anything. The house is a mess.” He will say something like “the oven is really smokey when you open it, it’s because it needs cleaning. You should do that.” And this is the kind of thing he will say when anything needs doing. It’s my job, never his. Like he’s incapable and he’s too good to do anything around the house.
He’s even so set in his ways that if I don’t do his lunch for work he will go the day without eating rather than make his own (pathetic, I know) but will then come home miserable, claiming he’s starving because I didn’t do him any lunch for work. He can take absolutely no responsibility, it’s a joke.
I also can’t put my finger on what I don’t like about this, but I will be midway through completing a chore - and he will know I am - and he will tell me to do the chore I’m already doing. Like he knows I’m doing it, but he wants to be the one that’s made me do it. Does that make sense? For example: I was washing up baby’s bottles. He saw I was, and then told me to wash them up.
It really grinds my gears, it’s wearing me down. He will do all of this, make all of the comments above and when I pull him up on it, he’ll tell me he’s joking.
He has reduced me to tears with everything he was saying tonight. He told me I was “being a pussy. It was just a joke. You’re being sensitive.” I told him it’s not funny if it upsets me, and if I felt he appreciated me and what I do, then I might see it as a joke and maybe find it funny too. I then listed everything I do around the house and he admitted I do a lot and he appreciates it, but then in the same sentence reverted back to telling me I do nothing at all and am lazy.
The argument continued and he said plenty of other awful things. He’s now sleeping on the sofa but text me to say he’s sorry and he didn’t mean to upset me. I won’t accept it as this argument has been had many times before, he’s apologised yet his behaviour has continued so he doesn’t really mean it or care.
Is this gaslighting? Emotional abuse? Whatever it is, it doesn’t feel right or like I deserve it. Or AIBU and just sensitive