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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want partner to help out more?

25 replies

Sparkey47 · 15/10/2019 16:41

Hi,
So basically during the first month my partner was great with our new baby, we combination fed so we was able to take shifts, however, we noticed she was really struggling to get wind out as well as poo whenever she had a bottle of expressed or formula, and she’s still like this now when given a bottle but nowhere near as bad, so we made the decision to exclusively breastfeed, it’s been going great ever since.
However, ever since then I feel my partners sort of seen that as he no longer has to help out, i can’t remember the last time he changed her nappy without me asking him to, he works nights and goes to uni so I don’t have much help from him as it is. Today I decided to treat myself to some pampering as I’ve been feeling low about myself, so I made him aware days ago that he’d have her for a few hours on his own while I got my lashes done, well when I opened my eyes there’s a whole bunch of messages on my phone telling me to come home, why am I taking so long, to hurry up etc because she’s crying. So I leave earlier than I would have liked (I got them done by my best friend so we were catching up as well) to find her asleep in his arms, and he snapped at me saying his foods gone cold because she’s been crying and that he’s not looking after her on his own again till she’s on solids.
Now I completely understand she plays up more when I’m not there because breastfeeding is also comforting to her, but my parents have babysat her and they managed to cope with her, so why can’t he?
Am I being that unreasonable to want a few hours to myself every now and again?

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/10/2019 16:56

What an utter wanker. Sorry, but he is.

he’s not looking after her on his own again till she’s on solids

She is HIS CHILD.

I'm gobsmacked. Honestly.

LuckyAmy1986 · 15/10/2019 16:59

Well... I don’t know. If she won’t take a bottle of expressed milk and she wants milk when you are gone then how is he supposed to calm her down? Or am I missing something? Re his food going cold, what a twat. That’s having a newborn. And he should be changing nappies whether asked to or not.

SprinkleDash · 15/10/2019 17:02

This scenario must come up here on MN every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Dad is excited for baby, all starts out great, Dad backs off and then Mum is left to it for the rest of their lives which impacts on her freedom, career, sleep etc while Dad’s life remains largely unchanged.

I’m surprised women have babies anymore when this seems to be the norm!!

HelenaDove · 15/10/2019 17:05

Sprinkle more and more women are choosing not to.

LuckyAmy1986 · 15/10/2019 17:06

Sorry, realised I read it wrong? So she will take the bottle but is fussy after? Then he needs to learn to deal with it. You need time away.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/10/2019 17:06

Actually, after my initial reaction (of calling him a wanker, which I still stand by); do you think he panicked at not being able to settle her? As stated above, if she won't settle apart from boob, then really not much he could have done.

Him moaning about his food going cold is pathetic through and he should be parenting more without being asked.

Bucatini · 15/10/2019 17:08

YANBU at all and you need to make that completely clear to him.

EKGEMS · 15/10/2019 17:09

What an immature baby (not the little girl!) .Lets hope she inherits personality traits from her mother. Aww diddums food is cold perhaps he needs a bottle and a nap?

Expressedways · 15/10/2019 17:14

How long were you gone for? If you’ve made a mutual decision to not give her a bottle and she’s hungry then I’m not entirely sure what he was supposed to do. The truth is that if you are EBF and not even giving expressed milk then it is very difficult to leave your baby for even short periods until they are on solids. So sorry by you are being somewhat unrealistic to think that you’ll be able to get hours at a time to yourself right now. That said, he sounds like a twat that can’t be bothered to parent his child. He should be pulling his weight, he should be changing nappies and his comment about his food going cold is quite frankly pathetic.

InDubiousBattle · 15/10/2019 17:15

Will your baby take a bottle? If so then YANBU, if your baby won't have a bottle then it can be difficult for someone other than you to take care of them and, in choosing to ebf you are in effect choosing to be somewhat attached to your baby until they're weaned. I know everyone is going to call him a useless wanker etc but having taken care of a friends bottle refusing baby once in an emergency, it was very stressful having a screaming baby I couldn't settle.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 15/10/2019 17:19

It depends how long you were gone for, how regularly your daughter feeds, and how old she is.
A 5 month old that feeds like clockwork every 3 hours and you were only away for 2 then he is being pathetic but will only have a few weeks left to wean.

A cluster feeding 8 week old that has variable feeds eg sometimes needs feeding 90 min after the last feed, and you were fine for 3 hours then you might have to take some of the blame as there is nothing other than milk that can soothe a starving baby.

Irrespective of this he should be changing nappies and finding other ways to bond eg taking her a walk wearing a sling or giving her a bath

BeanBag7 · 15/10/2019 17:20

He snapped at me saying his foods gone cold because she’s been crying and that he’s not looking after her on his own again till she’s on solids.
How many times have you had to eat a cold meal because you were looking after her? I'm betting more than once.
Even when she's on solids she will still cry and sometimes need milk - she could be 18 months old before shes fully on solids. Is he really suggesting that he won't look after her alone for over a year because it's a bit tricky. Tough luck to him, he is an arse.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 15/10/2019 17:20

*gone for 3 hours

BeanBag7 · 15/10/2019 17:21

P.s. you could probably try her on a bottle again once she is a few months old. Many babies have trouble with wind when they're tiny but get over it when they're a bit older. That would make it easier for both of you.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/10/2019 17:23

This is now your life unless you make it clear he needs to learn how to PARENT HIS OWN CHILD.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/10/2019 17:24

Prick. What did you say to him when he said that? Next time turn your phone off

Parker231 · 15/10/2019 17:25

He doesn’t get a choice whether to look after her or not. She will have to be his priority for at least the next 18 years. If he can’t do the feeds he can take on the laundry, shopping and cooking.

InDubiousBattle · 15/10/2019 17:41

Parker op has said he works nights and goes to uni, I doesn't sound like he's completely disregarding his responsibilities.

Parker231 · 15/10/2019 18:09

He can still parent his child - do the shopping on his way home or organise an online weekly delivery. Put the washing on when he gets up and sorts it when he gets home. Everyone is busy but he sounds lazy and is avoiding sharing parenting.

InDubiousBattle · 15/10/2019 18:16

I get that but in this instance he had a crying baby, not a washing pile! It's crap that your (I'm sure much needed)me time was cut short op, but by calling you if your ebf needed feeding/comforting by the breast then he was parenting, he was trying to meet his baby's needs. Unless your baby will happily take a bottle then yeah, he needs to do more!

SprinkleDash · 15/10/2019 18:22

@HelenaDove Sprinkle more and more women are choosing not to

I’m one of them and one of the reasons is so I never end up in this position.

Countrylifeornot · 15/10/2019 18:34

You'll presumably need to get your baby to take a bottle if you want to be able to leave her for any period of time.
This absolutely baffles me, how did you think it wouldn't be so?
if DP is working nights AND going to uni he doesn't seem to be an arse, he sounds as though he was stressed with a baby who wanted a feed.

Original poster

Sparkey47 · 15/10/2019 19:52

She will take a bottle but she is fussy about it, after perseverance she will eventually give in and take it without protesting, it just takes a bit of time that’s all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparkey47 · 15/10/2019 19:59

I had only left him for 2 and a half hours, I fed her half an hour before I left and she’s almost 4 months so she usually goes about 3-4 hours between feeds. He’s had her on his own twice before so it’s not like he doesn’t know what to expect, it’s just him refusing to ever do it again is what’s bothering me the most, like she does settle and take bottles, my parents have had her overnight once and they said the same she fusses about but will eventually give in and take the bottle and settle.

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 17/10/2019 19:44

It sounds like he needs to take her more, not less.

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