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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby name

69 replies

elanna · 15/10/2019 15:34

I am 26 weeks pregnant with our first little boy and my dh and I have decided on his name. It is a traditional boys name not so widely used now, but still heard of and we love it- Think Harry/George/ Thomas in style, but I won't say it as the family are on mumsnet and it would be outing. Now, I know people will have varying opinions on any name and I have no problem with that- others don't have to like it- we do, but just not as though we've picked something out there. It's a fairly standard English name. What upsets me is my American mil has phoned us several times to say she hates it and requesting we change it. She has cried and begged us to pick another name-her suggestions are Claude and Dale. I am sure these are lovely but not for us. My dh has informed her she is being unfair numerous times and she doesn't have to like it but needs to respect it. She rang last night crying to tell us that she won't be calling him by his name and will call him a name she likes more instead when they come to visit after he is born (pil are in America) AIBU to be baffled by this reaction and to call him the name regardless? My dh says he still loves the name and to ignore her but if she is ringing crying about it and he's not even due until Jan, and saying she won't call him that AIBU to feel a rather upset about it and not feeling thrilled about her visiting and calling him by a different name? Fil doesn't tackle her but says he loves the name and to ignore her.

OP posts:

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/10/2019 17:11

Congratulations btw & wish you all the best x

AlbertaWildRose · 15/10/2019 17:18

She has had her turn to name children; this is your baby, not hers. Name him whatever you want!

EdinburghFox · 15/10/2019 17:38

@BertrandRussell The OP's MIL isn't asking, she's demanding, refusing to say the name etc. And she's got the alternative name lined up too. Your FIL sounded like he was being polite and not telling you what you should call your child.

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2019 17:41

Oh I agree the Mil is behaving in a very odd way. Which, unless it’s typical, is why I suggested asking her. Not everybody can handle things rationally and while FIL’s association with the name was unpleasant, it wasn’t deeply traumatic.

KurriKurri · 15/10/2019 17:46

As other's have said - she's had her turn. She had her chance for Claude or Dale when she named your DH.
I'd be totally blunt or she will make the rest ofyour pregnancy very stressful.

'Dear MIL, we are very happy with the name we have chosen and wont be changing it. Please don't ruin this happy time for us by making it all about you' Love DIL and Claude/Dale' (as I'm presuming your DH is called one of these )

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/10/2019 17:59

So is the consensus that it’s perfectly OK to use the same name as the person who raped a close family member?

Yep. Absolutely right.

I was raped by two men at once and my father was an abusive SOB. In the unlikely event of any future DS/DiL of mine choosing one of these three names I wouldn't a) take the imposition of hurting my own DC by telling him of my past traumas which happen to involve his own grandfather b) expect them to be mind-readers and know this automatically or c) piss on their chips, either by telling them this unnecessary information retrospectively or expecting them to bend to my will and replace their name choice with one of my own.

Note latter point. This MiL wants their choice replaced with her choice. It apparently hasn't occurred to her that the expectant parents might have a second choice of their own. That she throws her rattle away like a petulant brat when they don't instantly capitulate is the clincher; doesn't exactly take Sherlock to piece together the clues as to what kind of woman the OP is dealing with here.

Bollocks to trying to justify her ridiculous behaviour by explaining it away as a 'trigger'. And even if it were, she's an adult. Her triggers, her problem.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/10/2019 18:37

From as soon as little Thomas is old enough to start recognising individuals and then talking himself, make sure he's fully acquainted with Great Uncle Arbuthnot, the mad lady married to lovely Grandad. See how she likes it.

I just hope Baby Thomas doesn't get too confused when he discovers that GUA cries far more than he does - usually when she doesn't get her own way.

Cryalot2 · 15/10/2019 18:47

Congratulations.Her behaviour does sound weird to say the least. You do not cry about what someone calls their child. Nor has she or anyone the right to comment.
She may well have personal issues, but that is not your fault

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 15/10/2019 19:23

Everytime she calls your son by the name she wants, repeat his name is... And then say if you won't call him by his correct name you won't be welcome again

donquixotedelamancha · 15/10/2019 19:34

So is the consensus that it’s perfectly OK to use the same name as the person who raped a close family member?

Dear God Bertrand, I do love your derails. I think this may be the best yet.

her suggestions are Claude and Dale

Have you completely eliminated the possibility that she's taking the piss? What the fuck did you pick that those are the better choices? I'm starting to think perhaps Bertrand is correct.

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2019 19:38

It’s not a derail, honestly. I just said it would be a good idea to just check before treating her as the loon she probably is, and people said it wouldn’t matter even if the name had dreadful history for her they should still use it. Which I think would be beyond unkind.

Oysterbabe · 15/10/2019 19:44

Yabu for not telling us the name because its outing but telling us that you have an American MIL who wants to call your IVF baby Claude. I think you can tell us the name

Witchinaditch · 15/10/2019 20:46

This is why names shouldn’t be revealed until the baby is born. Don’t pander to her she’s had her chance to name her children this is your turn. If she refuses to call your son by his name then you must pull her up on it every time. Just ignore her she will get used to ir

Ihateedmundelephant · 16/10/2019 09:00

I had a horrible, abusive ex and for a long time I felt sick when I heard his name. It too was a common name so it was really difficult for me, i heard it often and it really took me to a bad place. Then I rescued a dog who had this name! I thought I could change the name but he wouldn’t answer to anything else. Now the name has lost all of its power and so I finally feel that my ex has lost the last of his power over me - when I hear his name I think of my little dog and not that disgusting monster. If anything it was actually really cleansing for me. I know stuff like this is not the same for everyone, but in my opinion, if it’s a common name then I think people need to work to let go of the power it has over them because if hearing a common, well used name can send you into such a spiral then it’s not healthy and it’s horrible trying to move on. If MIL does have any traumatic connection to the name then that’s horrible for her but it’s YOUR baby and in time she will learn to associate the name with her lovely grandchild instead. Also, if she does have a traumatic connection to the name then she should have calmly explained it to you rather than be as horrible as she is being.

ilovetofu · 16/10/2019 09:08

Just be very glad she lives in the US op! 👍

ilovetofu · 16/10/2019 09:27

Also watch Catastrophe on Prime - your MIL sounds a lot like the Carrie Fisher character x

fargo123 · 17/10/2019 04:48

MIL is nuts. If she's going to be this difficult about things, I'd withdraw the offer of the visit.

My sister and cousin both named their first-borns names that I utterly loathe. It's never occurred to me to (1) mention that to them or anyone else; or (2) suggest/demand an alternative!

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 17/10/2019 05:11

Is it a cultural thing? Generally speaking American taste in names can be quite different.

My American friends give their kids some quite weird and wonderful names that aren't really heard over here.

custardbear · 17/10/2019 06:05

My mum did this exact thing with me - phones every day leaving a list of 'string' names when pregnant, after birth I had a phone call, not even a congratulations, how are you etc just 'am I ALLOWED to know the name now? So I told her Tabitha and she said WHAT!!!! No, how about Isabelle .. I said no I don't like it. She got off the phone, called around the family and phoned me back to say my dad, grandad, step dad and uncle don't like the name so I've told them we're going to call her Beth
I lost my shit at this point and toms her she wasn't to make up horrible names for my baby and she's not speak to my child unless I was there if she went down this road. My dad phoned and coyly said 'can i call her Beth' so I have him two barrels and he backed down
She never apologised (died when DD was 3) and she was literally on her deathbed when DS was born, told her his name and she said 'oh good we like that name' ....

Moral - your baby, your choice! Get your DH to be firm with his mom that her actions are unacceptable and any other names she calls him wont be allowed - it'll blow over but you need to say no and keep saying no otherwise she'll do this over and over

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