ASD is not always obvious

[attheendoftether]

My in laws refuse to hear about the possibility my DS has ASD ( Still in the process of assessment) as he masks.

Although they have even commented ,when we stayed over, he didn't talk to them the whole time, but then said Love you randomly to them.

They have a relative with dementia (early stages) and this relative repeats things and is losing their short term memory.

We see this relative and it is not apparent he has dementia, and I wouldn't have known , but they told me. However, I believe what they say ,as well as the doctors who assess him. Why wouldn't I??

AIBU to say next time I see them " ah well (relative) can't have Dementia as he seems fine to us"

Do you think the penny will drop???

Nope. Because they are dealing with the dementia. They arent the ones dealing with the autism

I probably wouldn't have this argument. It won't help. Denial is common and it's probably normal for the family to want to minimise when it comes to your DS because they think that's kind.

VolcanionSteamArtillery

They aren't (dealing) with Dementia, its not a relative who they take care of.

Lamentations

Its not kind.I have asked they don't yell at DS as it escalates his anxiety and have said he has on one occassion been inconsolable. But they ignore me

YANBU to be annoyed with them for being idiots about understanding ASD but YABU to think that stirring up a quarrel involving spurrious parallels with dementia would get you anywhere.

Let it lie for now. In a few months or however long it takes you will have the diagnosis and recommendations and you can show the doctor's letter to them in black and white. And if they still won't accept it then you'll have to let them know that unfortunately you won't be able to let them have DS unsupervised in future as if they won't accept his diagnosis they won't be able to adapt to his needs, and you can't put him in harm's way by leaving him somewhere that his needs aren't going to be met. Those of us who were diagnosed with ASD later on in life, the majority of the mental harm done to us over the years was from people expecting and requiring us to behave as if we are neurotypical, so I am serious about that.

YobaOljazUwaque

They know we know about the Dementia, and we have supported them, It wouldn't be instigating a quarrel, but a cheeky dig to maybe get them to see ASD is not obvious.

They don't have unsupervised access anyhow, as he has gotten distressed in the past so I had to stop that. They babysat ( very rare occasion btw) and he gets very anxious being alone, so they shut him in his bedroom with the light off.

So the problem isn't so much that they don't accept your son is autistic (to be fair he hasn't a formal diagnosis yet and lots of people do wait for that before they can begin to accept) rather it is that they treat him badly? Because any child whether they are autistic or not should not be shut in a room with the light off when they are feeling anxious.

The problem is they are from a weird school of thought where children should do X/Y/Z and have no ability to think about how said child feels. It's not even a generation thing, you read about it often on here. Child should be able to do child of punished. Maybe a bit of understanding?

I don't know how you can make them understand though, people like this are like this. I really don't think it's an ASD problem so much as they are twats problem

puppyconfetti - they treat him badly

True

My ds is awaiting assessment for HF ASD. He's 10. It's not been obvious it was ASD as his difficulties always had another explanation. My DF has gone into complete denial, won't have a word said about it despite reports etc ,says he doesn't need intervention/support as he's 'just DS'.

I've put it down to a generational thing as DF is in his 70s and autism wasn't heard of then.

Ok well that's a drip feed.

My side of the family have refused to acknowledge my diagnosis of autism and my son's. Even after showing them the reports from the doctors. Some people will never get it, they have an old fashioned stereotypical view of Autism. It hurts, but a year later, we just don't bring it up anymore. They've seen pics of him with his ear defenders on this week as we went to Disneyworld and they asked if he struggled! Seems like they may finally be coming around!

Even with the dripfeed, slowly trying to educate them will be a lot more productive than going into battle with them. Especially dragging another family member's dementia into it.

I wouldn’t bother starting what could be a lengthy argument with them. However, as the mother of a child with ASC, I think I would be lowering contact with them if they cannot understand that their actions and behaviour is adversely affecting your child. My son’s autism is very obvious: he was diagnosed shortly after his third birthday, and autism was mentioned six months before that. My in-laws pretty much ignored him from then on. They made no effort to interact with him, no effort to play with him, or even see him. The only comfort is that he really doesn’t care! If people cannot accept your son and modify their behaviour to accommodate him – after all, this is not his fault – then I would be reducing the amount of time they spend with him.