To think that if you're coming for the day to 'help' with a toddler...

[Navy123]

That you turn up before lunch?!

DM has once again said she will come and 'help' with DS for the day, saying she will come in the morning. She lives an hour away and hasn't even left yet! So she will turn up after we start lunch, get DS over excited just in time for nap time. Normally I'm flexible about nap times but we want to go swimming later so he needs to nap early enough that we make it before it shuts for swimming lessons.

We have therefore waited in for her instead of making arrangements to see friends, going to toddler group - anything other than stay cooped up all morning! We've been up since 5 which isn't helping the situation.

Her idea of helping is its own thread as well!

Did you tell her to come at a specific time? If not then yabu

She wouldn't say a time, said she would text when she leaves. I asked an hour ago and she said she would head off soon.

YANBU, my DM also does this. She lives 30 mins drive away, and has been coming once a week since I've been on maternity leave to help (as I have a toddler as well as the baby). She always comes at a really awkward time, usually just before lunch! So we haven't really had the chance to go out, but by then it's too late to go out before lunch. So many times my toddler was climbing the walls by the time she arrived.

I would straight out ask her to come earlier?

You know she’s like this, so why did you expect today to be different?

If she’s always late, doesn’t actually help, just say ‘no thank you’ next time.

Both my best friend and my MIL used to be frustrating beyond reason when it came to this. One would turn up hours early, the other hours late or with ten minutes notice.

I found this stopped after they arrived to an empty, locked house.

YANBU- but you need to tell her "could you be here before x time before DS will nap at"

tbh id put him to nap before he sees her so he doesnt get over excited

My DM is exactly the same! I'll ask her to watch dc while I go to the loo or something and she's playing on her iPad while he's dangling off the sofa...

She's great otherwise tho, I just assume she won't turn up till the afternoon (when he's napping and I have some time to do admin) unless she tells me otherwise...

Tell her to come a bit later so she arrives when he is already down for the nap?

YANBU my dm makes a habit of turning up at awkward times too. Ds will have a long nap and sometimes she will turn up right before it to 'spend time with him' yet he is asleep the whole time and instead of resting I will be making her lunch and lots of drinks! She she will come every week and I will then have a toddler to run around after as well as my dm when I'm pregnant and have spd. Like you say op you dont mind if they are helping out at least.

Imo it's so you are soooooo grateful when she arrives.
Imo cancel and say you have plans this afternoon and she has buggared up your routine..
She is a hindrance given your dc's nap time update etc.

YANBU. Dpil will turn up to see toddler & baby, at 5pm. Both kids are early risers regardless of bedtime and are horrible screamy overtired messes if kept up & Dpil know this. So they turn up, kids are eating tea, they have about 30 or 40 mins of grandparents but preschooler is grumpy because it means he misses his usual 20 mins of tv. Dpil then don't help with bath or bedtime.

Well why did you need her to come and help? If half the time he will be asleep, at swimming and you could have made plans anyway? Why does she need to "help" with one child.

I'm so glad my Mum is like me and likes to be specific timing wise (and let's me know if she's held up). She literally tells me how long she's got, when she needs to leave to get to her next commitment etc. If she's held up she'll ask me if I want her to come over at a different time instead. If I'm held up she'll ask if I want her to come later so we are ready, or sooner and help out. It's taken a while, but mostly we have a good balance, but communication is very important to both of us and it has taken years (and some rows!) to get to a good place.

If it was my mum I would tell her how I feel even if it hurt her feelings a little at that time in order to save more hurt feelings and frustrations in future. I know it's not an easy thing to do, but you don't get what you want without being clear about what that is. And if she can't offer you what you want, find a different way to get those things. Because it might not be something that she has on offer (reliability, consistency, or mornings!)

She's a waste of time just tell her you're going out and not to bother coming

I don't understand why you can't ask her to arrive actually in the morning and explain that otherwise it throws all your plans out for the day.

Glad others see it my way! I do appreciate what lots of you are saying though and I need to tell her to get here earlier if she wants to come over for the day or not bother. Will do so for next time! Yes she has always been like this to an extent but this was much, much worse than usual - now I know how far she can push it I know I need to push back.

carwreck she was on her phone within 5 mins of arriving while I asked her to watch him while I served up lunch! Glad it's not just mine!

lola I don't need her to help, that is also my point! Really she wants to come and see him which is fine and obviously it's great that she likes to come and see him, but she never says that. It is always phrased as her coming to help, and she tells everyone that she is here to help. She does sweet fuck all, and is just an extra mouth to feed. If she said she wanted to visit that would be fine!

ciley you are right, and well done for reaching that point with yours! My family are known for their hideous lack of communication (luckily me and DH are the opposite and discuss everything!) so it really is going against the grain to bring it up. I will though, you're right that a one off difficult conversation can make everything else much easier.