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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's okay to leave him?

22 replies

Chivers53 · 15/10/2019 06:19

To keep things short and sweet, me and my DP have been dating for nearly 4 years, we bought a house together earlier this year as we welcomed our DS into the world. However, since then I've been miserable. He is away with work a lot (every week, and sometimes a few weeks at a time), and when he is back he doesn't help at all with our DS. Our relationship is nothing now, we aren't horrible to eachother but we don't really get on either, we never do anything as a family and I am comfort eating which means I'm getting unhealthy. I know I can change that, but there's a lot going on with my family as well which he offers no support with. Money is also an issue, we paid equally for the deposit and for the mortgage, but I have absolutely nothing left, I'm going into my overdraft to buy baby clothes and he says he can't help. I'm definitely going back to work next year so that will hopefully help financially, but I know that I'll still be left to doing everything else still. I guess we just have different ideas on what kind of life we want to lead, but I feel like I would be better off alone. I'm not sure how this would work with the house etc, but is is foolish to leave someone when you have a baby, or is it doable?

OP posts:

user1474894224 · 15/10/2019 06:27

The first year after having a baby can be really really tough. Everything has changed. And for you there have been massive changes including a move. Don't throw the relationship away if you love each other. Talk, talk and talk some more. As long as you can both compromise and work as a team you can adapt and do this.

He does need to step up and parent, but as he's away so much do you think he doesn't know what to do? Maybe he hasn't bonded yet. Talk to him. Explain how you feel but also be prepared to listen.

(I found year one tough when all my mummy friends were gliding through with doting partners who rushed home for bathtime and to do bedtime. Mine was out 6:30am to 7:30pm. And we also argued over stuff as baby didn't sleep great. But....we got there....10 years and two more kids later.

Good luck.

user1493413286 · 15/10/2019 06:34

I found the first year with DH after having our first baby really tough and at times we were clinging onto our relationship with our finger tips.
I think the big questions are do you still love him and do you want to try and make it work; if it’s a yes then i would sit down with him and try and find a way through it.
Its not foolish to leave someone and it is doable with a baby but i know I’m glad I held on when at times I really didn’t want to.

rosegoldivy · 15/10/2019 06:37

Agree with PP that after having a baby puts a huge strain on a relationship. Our DD is 3 months and we've struggled through but we are getting better and a lot of communication with each other has helped. DH also works away at times and I don't think he truely appreciates how difficult it can be sometimes.

Weve both put a lot more effort in with one another in last month or so and try and have baby free time together. Is that something that you can do?

Spanglyprincess1 · 15/10/2019 06:38

Are you still on full pay? Why are you contributing half mortgage if only on mat pay - your dp should be helping out with that as no way could you reasonably afford that on mat pay. Also is he paying half the baby bills eg clothes etc as he's bbay dad so that's just another household. Bill.

Working away... Wel he can't help that if its his job but it is hard.
I'd sit down and talk and try to. Split tasks more if u can

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2019 06:38

Where's all his money going?

Snowfalling · 15/10/2019 07:15

For posters saying that the first year after baby's birth is tough, the op's situation is a lot different.

This man is draining you financially. During mat leave, you should not be paying half the mortgage. He doesn't appear to be paying towards his own child and seems to want nothing to with either of you. I think he has checked out emotionally and is putting his money away for himself. He is very likely to leave you high and dry. Please protect yourself financially. He doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Original poster

Chivers53 · 15/10/2019 07:32

I always knew the first year or so would be hard, but I don't think this is something worth fighting through. We had an amazing relationship beforehand, but I don't recognise this person. I've tried to be supportive as I figured perhaps he wasn't coping or didn't want to be a father (bit late now, but an active part of his life I guess); but he says it's fine. I know denial can be part of it, but hes content still going about his life as nothing has changed, so I don't think he wants to adapt and that's why I need to accept that and move on perhaps. I wanted to rent as well to begin with when we found out so I'd have some savings (which I used on the deposit), but he insisted and as he has always been amazing I had no reason to doubt him. Even if we were to sell the house, unless we got what we paid for it I wouldn't get any money back as it would all go to the lender (only had the house a few months, so bar the deposit hardly made any dent in it). Nope, no contribution to anything for baby, even though I've explained £80 CB doesnt cover everything. He hasn't ever said it out loud, but because we are formula feeding he thinks I need to be paying for formula as I could have BF which is free so he shouldn't have to contribute. I just feel trapped as I have no money left, and even if I went back to work earlier than planned I wouldn't be able to afford a house (or flat), and childcare as his maintenance isn't much. My job is well paid, but my savings have all gone into the house and on things for DS.

OP posts:

NearlyGranny · 15/10/2019 07:36

He needs to support his DC!

Snowfalling · 15/10/2019 07:43

Yanbu to want to leave him, this is not a relationship worth fighting for. I think it's over already, he is biding his time and using your home as a hotel. This is bordering on financial abuse if he is making you use up your savings while contributing nothing towards his dc. He is keeping his money for himself.

Spanglyprincess1 · 15/10/2019 07:46

Op that's not normal. I mean this gently but it isn't. Formula is just food shopping costs like me buying veggtable or blue cheese that dp won't eat. He still pays half. As I do for his steak despite me being veggie. Its just a bill!
My own dp was a prick about covering the 1 mth after 5 mths on full pay on mat leave, I wasn't on full pay so I went back to work early and he had to fund the childcare which was as much more than my bills, so fool him. I do resent him for it still though.

You need to sort this for you both. He might actually have a form of pnd as some dad's get it as its a big big shock to some people. He also is working away a lot isn't getting curtail bonding time which won't help. Not making excuses but it happens.
Speak to your hv and gp, they can support you as couple have issues esp round money in early baby years.

A claim conversation would help you know where you stand. Make it clear to him what the costs are and that this is very unreasonable. Ask about having a joint account as your a family - the answer to the calm conversation might help.

Please seek support though as even if the relationship foals you will. Know you really tried and that way can walk away if needed. That's how my head works anyway.

Spanglyprincess1 · 15/10/2019 07:47

Fails not foals!

NurseButtercup · 15/10/2019 07:59

I feel like I would be better off alone. I'm not sure how this would work with the house etc, but is is foolish to leave someone when you have a baby, or is it doable?

I'm a little bit with some of the advice given because you've made it clear that you believe your relationship is over. You might be better off moving this post to relationship's board.

In answer to your question - it isn't foolish to leave a relationship if you're unhappy. But you will need an income to support you and your baby. Can return to work earlier than planned?

GabriellaMontez · 15/10/2019 08:11

Who is paying for food? How are you going to survive without an income. Who is paying the mortgage?

Laiste · 15/10/2019 08:43

I notice you haven't spoken about your feelings for him at all. Were you genuinely in love with him before you bought the house and had the baby?

Have you sat him down and told him that the situation is bad enough that you are thinking about splitting up?

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 15/10/2019 08:46

Remind him that if you leave he’ll have to pay 20% of his wage in child support...

He is being a dick.

Laiste · 15/10/2019 08:49

Reading again - you're not married. It might be a good idea to go to a family solicitor who would go through the financial situation re the selling the house and his part in provision towards housing for your DS if you split up. Think about who would be the main carer ect.

IME you can get a free half an hour, but it goes like a shot and you have to be quick an clear when you explain the advice you want, listen carefully, keep your talk to a minimum, and make notes along the way.

AwkwardFucker · 15/10/2019 08:52

Oh dear, this is really sad.

No, it should not be like this. He should be contributing to half the costs of his child’s needs. Have you actually outright asked him why he thinks it’s perfectly ok to not pay for things his child needs?

This is so weird to me honestly. I fell pregnant really early on in my relationship. Like the first month of casually dating.
DP was clear he didn’t want it and behaved like a bit of an asshole in the early days, and he even still bought everything the baby needed and didn’t even bat an eyelid when I said I needed to buy xyz, just handed over the cash. He also paid my rent and bills aswell as his own while I was on mat leave (we didn’t move in together until DC was 15 months old).

Tbh if I were you I’d cut and run. You may lose some money, but you’ll also lose your dead weight DP, and a whole lot of stress! It’s one thing to do it by yourself when you know you have to do it but yourself. It’s another to do it by yourself when you should have your partner helping you.

Laiste · 15/10/2019 09:00

He is away with work a lot (every week, and sometimes a few weeks at a time), and when he is back he doesn't help at all with our DS.

there's a lot going on with my family as well which he offers no support with.

we paid equally for the deposit and for the mortgage, but I have absolutely nothing left, I'm going into my overdraft to buy baby clothes and he says he can't help.

hes content still going about his life as nothing has changed,

because we are formula feeding he thinks I need to be paying for formula as I could have BF which is free so he shouldn't have to contribute.

Nope, no contribution to anything for baby, even though I've explained £80 CB doesnt cover everything.

How old are you both OP?

He needs a kick up the arse and to be told hat you're not sticking around if things don't change. And mean it. I would advise that trip to a divorce solicitor first so that you have some facts behind you.

Mind you that's IF you want to give it a go. He sounds like a thoughtless wanker though tbh and you might as well make plans to just leave. Whatever you do. don't waste years and years unhappy simply because of losing money. Money isn't everything.

everytimerickysayscuntIlaugh · 15/10/2019 09:48

Of course he should be financially supporting his own child! Christ! He's not parenting, he's not being a partner in any sense and he's left you to fend for yourselves financially. Absolutely get rid.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 15/10/2019 09:54

He’s being financially abusive OP.

He doesn’t get to opt out contributing for his child.

I would leave, claim benefits etc and make a claim for CMS. This will not get any better. I bet if you stay and then go back to work he’ll say:

^you decided to go back to work so you can pay all the >insert anything child relatedinsert anything child related

Spanglyprincess1 · 15/10/2019 10:12

Did u discuss costs pre having children... We did and I always said it would be 50:50 regardless, as its important. It isn't as sometimes I pay more for swimming lessons etc but for childcare and food it's 50:50.
You need to sit down and say it isn't acceptable that he would let his child go without clothes. I know your in a bad place but please talk and try and solve this.
Even if you split it will be easier for you if you'd at least tried as you should know his views.

cacklingmags · 15/10/2019 16:01

He is a financially abusive fucking fucker - I would see a solicitor and take him to the cleaners. I would be very concerned that he is saving all the money he does not spend on his own child's food to leave you high and dry. What a wanker.

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