Falling apart

[Crushed1981]

I’m at a point in life where I feel if it wasn’t for my children I wouldn’t be here anymore.
I’m sick of having nothing, I have no money for anything that resembles a life. Struggle even to buy my kids clothes, never mind holidays or fun days out (apart from the park but they are too old for this now)
My partner is disabled and cannot work. We are on benefits and really struggle. I’ve just had the opportunity for a part time job but can only earn £20 on top of the benefits, this will be of no help. If I go full time we’ll be worse off than we are now with only one wage coming in. I feel like life is just crashing down. I started a course at uni but ended up leaving due to lack of support that left me incredibly stressed, to the point I wasn’t able to sleep or eat properly, and now I have the debt of student finance behind me. I often have to turn down nights out, hen dos and even weddings of the few friends I do have. I’m just sick of it all, I am sick of life.

Hi

I cannot think of any useful contribution, but I did not want to pass by.

Does you partner have a disability that has charity support that could help you?

Hugs to you

Thank you 😊 hugs accepted 😊 He refuses help due to anxiety from the cause of his disabilities. I often feel more like his carer than his partner. He refuses any help from anyone else and I often feel trapped.

I understand what you are saying OP regarding the part time job only enabling you to earn £20 more than you have now but, IMHO, going out to work is often about more than money.
It would give you some respite from your caring responsibilities at home.
It would/may give you the opportunity to have some social chat with fellow workers.
Don't underestimate the potential positive benefits to your own mental health and well being by working part time.
You feel trapped because you are trapped if your DP needs help but won't accept it from anyone but you.
His happiness shouldn't be at the expense of yours.
Have a re-think on the part time job.
It could ultimately benefit both of you.

@Crushed1981 just wanted to say I really hope things get better for you,its such a hard life sometimes and when you aren't getting any help or even acknowledgement it can seem such a thankless never ending chore.im having a terrible time of it too.currently lying awake watching my severely autistic non verbal son running around without a clue as to who he is or where he is or who I am.he wont sleep until tmrw night,this has been going on for 3 months.

Thank you 😊 life can be so cruel and such a thankless task at times. Big hugs 🤗 @WhatAMum01 I hope you and your son are getting help through the drs and support groups.

Sorry OP but your DP's attitude is not good enough. He refuses help because of anxiety, help that would improve your life? Give you back a little life? That seems quite....selfish of him?

What is his disability if you dont mind me asking?

I'd take the part time job. £20 a week adds up and like PP said it'll get you out and give you some respite.

Maybe contact your local carers charity for support around caring for DP.

DP needs to seek some help before he loses you!

Good luck.

I would take the job. It might not help financially now but you can start to build up your CV and be on the lookout for a higher paid job whilst you work (easier to get when already employed than from unemployed)

What does your partner give you that makes it worth you being his carer?

My partners disabilities are due to a head injury that almost killed him, so I understand why he feels the way he feels. He just doesn’t seem to understand the way I feel 😔

He helps out some around the house, but if I’m honest it doesn’t feel like a great deal. He hates going out, we’ve been together a long time and I would say I could count on one hand the number of dates we’ve had (and they only happened Bcuz I told him I couldn’t do this anymore and that it was over.) I only ended up staying Bcuz he promised changes (which happened to begin with but things have gone back to the way they were) and bcuz he became really ill right after I told him it was over.

While I was doing the uni course he wasn’t happy about the amount he had to do around the house when I wasn’t even getting paid, and even then he was doing the bare minimal. I was doing 2-3 days at uni and 24hr work placements and as soon as I had a day off I was trying to play catch up on housework and washing. He’d do the basics: washing up, sweeping, hoovering but never cleaned things like marks off doors and walls, dusting, never tidied anything away that the kids left lying around like clothes. Between the stress from lack of support at both Uni and at home I walked away which I think has completely deflated me as it was my dream job and I worked so hard for 3 years just to get there.

Maybe I’m being unreasonable and unfair but it does feel like our relationship benefits him more than me. Maybe that’s how most relationships work (or it seems it to me from what I’ve seen in relationships around me.) Maybe this is why women in relationships have a shorter life span than single women.

I feel guilty at the thought of wanting to walk away and feel like my kids would hate me for breaking up a family that seems to them to be perfect. My and my dp do get on well, we rarely argue and do laugh together but I feel like it’s more a friendship on my part now. I knew the exact moment I fell out of love with him (just before I ended things) I kept telling him how unhappy I was and wanted a little more contact with him, like snuggling on the sofa and in bed (just simple little things) the only time he ever does that is when he wants something out of it (basically sex) one night just after me telling him this he got his way from the snuggles, but as soon as it was over he rolled over and went to sleep.

You know, having a disability doesn't mean you cant also be a dick. He seems happy for you to live a life of drudgery because he cant be bothered to pull his weight or make you feel special.

I don't think you should feel guilty for leaving him OP. You only have one life.

I think you have a husband problem.

Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? It sounds all take - which might be okay with kids but not with a husband.

I think you should have a chat with your partner and tell him how unhappy you are. You could even use what you’ve posted here to help. His reaction will tell you a lot. Then, together, put some steps in place to get you both out of this rut. For example, he really needs to find the strength to access help, if not for himself then for you, the kids and your relationship.
I agree with other posters that the job would be good for reasons other than money. Also, it might lead to something else.
Additionally, you need to think about the example you are setting for your kids at the moment. What life lessons are you showing them by example?

I am so sorry OP, I was ironically going to suggest education over a job until I read that you were university educated. I think you may need to go over DP's head as he is refusing to change and speak to CAB about what local resources are available for helping you with DH. I had severe anxiety and depression (panic attack almost daily and a crying fit more frequently with insomnia) and recently started medication to help. My DH was furious as he is one of those "it's all in your head" kind of people and now he is complete convert as they have completely changed my life and brought back the woman he fell in love with.

I think for your own wellbeing, you need to lay your cards on the table and tell your DH that he needs to work on himself for the good of the family. He needs to get mental health support and he needs to take on whatever home tasks are suitable for his disability regardless of your income. You deserve to live a life where you can do things for yourself as well as your family and if he values his wife and children then it is time for meaningful change. That first step is hard but he will thank you when push comes to shove. Xxxx

Hi OP,

Have you spoken to HEADWAY? www.headway.org.
They are an organization that supports those with brain injuries. I know from family experience that head injuries can cause behavior change and lasting (infuriating) issues such as apathy, lack of empathy, short temper, listlessness.... It goes on!

Did your partner get any form of compensation? Is that an option to pursue?

I honestly don’t think I can carry on the way things are at the moment 😔 something has got to change and I can’t see it being him. He was put in touch with headway after the incident but refused to speak to them. He’s not entitled to compensation, after it first happened his family attempted to gain compensation for him but he was considered an antagonist in the situation that caused the head injury therefore entitled to nothing.
He had the head injury b4 I met him but everything you say @reasonablesettlement is so true, he is short tempered (although never violent) and his lack of empathy for others is shocking and it affects him in many other ways to. I feel like this is why I give him the benefit of doubt so often, I know he doesn’t mean to be the way he often is it’s bcuz the head injury has damaged the wiring of his brain.

You don't owe this man the rest of your life. Would he give up this much for you? Please think about what you need and deserve in life, not just what he needs.