Elderly relative refusing to help themselves

[IfIHadAPenny]

I'm worried about my MIL's ability to keep looking after her Dad (my DH's grandad) as he refuses to help himself to stay living independently.

The walls in his house are mouldy as he refuses to open windows, his bathroom is disgusting and he is evidently getting increasingly immobile (in good health otherwise, no dementia before anyone asks).

He's 95 and is, and always has been, VERY proud, stubborn and frugal. He refuses to put the heating on to save money, but he has a brilliant pension and a lot of savings, owns his house and has had no end of offers of help from numerous family members - we all get told to bugger off and mind our own business.

MIL takes him food shopping, takes him to pay his bills in his local town and she does his washing every week. She lives over an hour away from him, it's taking a toll on her as she has osteoporosis.

I don't know what to do. DH has tried talking to his Mum and saying she needs to insist he gets help such as a cleaner once a week but he refuses anything that would cost him money.

Anyone with any advice, I'd much appreciate it. I'm worried about the safety of DH's grandad and the well-being of MIL.

Could your family split the cost of help? Obviously some day get reimbursed from his estate.

I think he'd refuse to spend anything - and even if we said we'd pay for it all, I still think he may refuse. Arrg!

Do you live in North Yorkshire? They have a team to support people in those types of situations.

It’s very difficult. She needs to have very firm boundaries as to what she can offer. If she were to plead ill health herself and to beg him to accept some paid help to help her to manage that may prick his conscience.

At some point he will have no choice. He also needs to understand that by refusing help at home he is probably going to increase his chances of hospital or care home accommodation in the near future.

Hard though it is, if he still has mental capacity he can choose to live how he wants.

Your Mil and her father are both competent adults, and if this is tennis way they choose to do things, you have no opinion but to accept it.

Would he be more likely to listen to your dh. Some men will take things from other men. My dad's like this. He's elderly and you have to be quite direct with him. Not beating around the bush.

It's definitely not fair on your MiL and very frustrating for you.

Ffsnosexallowed exactly, that's my dilemma.

MatildaTheCat thank you - yes, perhaps if I can boost MIL to put her side across, he might listen. He walks all over her, she's so kind :(

Troilusworks he would definitely have more respect for another male, so that's a thought.

NailsNeedDoing - you're right. I find it hard to watch as MIL struggles and her dad could be far more comfortable and safer with just a tiny bit of help. Frustrating but I don't want to poke my nose in if I'm being unreasonable.

Also he would very likely qualify for Attendance Allowance which is up to £85/ week. If he was awarded this he would be able to preserve his ‘own’ cash.

And it’s worth pointing out that allowing his house to fall into disrepair is going to devalue it. Unfortunately he probably just can’t bear the thought of strangers in his home and change. Both of which are valid feelings despite being the very things which could enable him to stay there longer.

Your DH needs to go up there and tell his grandad to get a grip and allow help from someone other than his daughter or he can start coping on his own. He is being ridiculous.

Get a cleaner in for him, probably get a very thorough deep clean first, drag him out of the house for the day. Then set up an account on Tesco for him and get his food delivered weekly. Then get his bills set up on direct debits to come out automatically. Frees up a lot for your mil. Plus it leaves him time to do things for himself.

Does your MIL get carers allowance? Another option to try which could be used for some help if she's amenable?

My F has advanced parkinsons, he's stubborn, totally missing the point on the strain his attitude and stubbornness causes on my M (which if he cooperated would be alleviated somewhat!). Also refuses carers, complains if she goes out, fought for years to get him mobility aids etc. Nightmare!! My M however is also a bit of a nightmare in other ways so it's v tricky to navigate the situation.

As someone above said yes point out it will devalue the house, small repairs will become much bigger and more expensive to fix if left for too long etc. Also the more he gets done to help him the longer hell be able to reside at home if that's his wishes...

Financial aids if you can get some for him/MIL will hopefully persuade him he can get help without touching his hard earned money.

Tough on you all, sending hugs xx

Does your MIL get carers allowance? According to AGE UK "If you get the State Pension you won’t be paid Carer's Allowance. But don’t be put off making a claim, because if you're eligible then you could be awarded extra Pension Credit or Housing Benefit instead."

If MIL is finding it difficult, she needs to cut down what she is doing, and allow her father to take responsibility for the consequences of his decisions.

Might be worth taking this over to the Elderly Parents board. Lots of experience over there.

Thanks so much everyone.