To think my daughter deserves a better mum?

[parkersnose]

Daughter 20 months. Today we're at home just the two of us. I am 38 weeks pregnant, exhausted and have very poor mental health at the moment. I got up with her but felt so dizzy and weak we were back upstairs by 1pm. So far today my dd has watched at least 3 hours of tv. The sum total of her meals has been sliced pineapple, a Bourbon biscuit and a pork pie. I am now lying in bed with her looking at books and me trying to respond to her whenever she shows me something. This isn't any sort of fun life for a toddler. My husband is due home maybe 6ish and she'll be so pleased to see him. Will she remember this time, am I doing her development damage and how can I stop feeling like I've let her down? Any advice appreciated please.

If it's only a short period of time then it won't damage her, but I wouldn't want it to go on for months either.

Can your DH help by prepping her meals (and yours)?

I hope he is taking a decent amount of time off when the baby comes.

Yes she’ll remember cuddling with mummy in bed! You’ll doing your best, I wasn’t up for looking after my toddler much at 38 weeks, reading and helping me get up was the extent of activities. There is absolutely no way you are damaging your daughter. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. If you’ve got bad mental health then that is why you feel you’re not being a good mummy, in reality, from an outsider perspective you’re doing perfectly brilliantly.

38 weeks pregnant with a toddler is so hard. I remember dreading the birth wondering how I would cope but actually it was so much easier afterwards.

Right now you’re in survival mode so hang in there. The meals need looking at. Is it that the child won’t eat anything else? Or could you switch to pre made baby meals for a while? Or could your dh help organise some easy meals for you both- bit like making you a packed lunch.

We set up a safe play area using those playpens that stretch out, to corner off an area that I could lie down in with the baby. He climbed all over me getting more exercise than at his Gymboree classes and played with his toys and was safe and happy with me while I rested. Could you get your dh’s help to organise something like this?

It’s not forever and it will get easier.

She's 20 months and you're obviously exhausted. She won't remember this, and it won't be like this forever! As long as she's fed and you're giving her some kind of attention (it sounds like you are!) she will be fine.

She probably needs more to eat but nothing wrong with staying in for the day.

You need to get more organised with the food - can you stock up on Little Dish meals or Toddler Cook meals or something? Even if you can’t face cooking she needs to be eating better than that.

Peppa pig brought up my eldest. I had hg with a twin pregnancy. He was and Is fine snd very eloquent for his age. It will pass .

Your baby will be born in the next few weeks, things we be better then. The last few weeks of pregnancy when you already have a child are a killer but it’s better after the birth.

She won’t remember this and it’s only for a couple of weeks anyway

Is it a one off OP? I wouldn’t worry if so. Does she go to nursery? Do you have any family that could help you out and have her for a few hours?

You daughter has got a Mum who is concerned enough to write on a site asking for advise. So, No she doesn't deserve a better Mum. You're what she has. However there may be things you could do differently. Forget the food and the TV, honestly unless it's every single day. The fact is that you are actually spending time with her, she's reading books and she's lying next to you, she's only a baby, that sounds lovely on wet afternoon. No doubt you're exhausted right now, give yourself a break. Will she be able to go to playgroup or nursery soon?

The only thing amiss with what you've described is her food. You need to feed her something substantial. Order in if you are struggling.

I’d look at her food more than anything, but there’s little ready meals you could chuck on for her that’d be more substantial. Or a larger one you could’ve had half of too.

She won’t remember a single minute of it.. seriously think back to you were a child can you remember everyday? You’ll remember large events but even they’re fuzzy and probably memories you’ve been told more than direct memories. There’s a picture of me on an elephants back at like 4, I was convinced the bloke in the front was my dad for years... my granny laughed her head off like no “he’s the elephants handler your dad took the picture” can I remember being on an elephant.. no, bloody gutted as it looked like I was fair chuffed. Also I now wouldn’t do it as that poor animal was indefinitely not living the life it should’ve but again I was 4 it was the 90’s and I saw dumbo...

If she remembers this she’s Sheldon.

Perhaps her dad can prepare her food the night before or in the morning so you just have to take it out of fridge or heat it? Even just sandwiches and some fruit in a little Tupperware in fridge maybe.

Yes the food thing was what hit me as a real bad parent alert. It has been a combination of not a lot in the house and me feeling unable to stand up for long. We have a Tesco delivery coming tomorrow and there is a lot of fruit and vegetables, so even if I'm not cooking as such, she'll have a decent amount of nutrients and I'll just have to prepare things when I have a bit of energy. My husband will be cooking so we have that to look forward to later. Thank you for your replies. My Dd will be at nursery tomorrow so will have lots of fun and be very busy. I just looked at her earlier and thought I'd consider this neglect if it was a regular thing.

I was in the same mindset when heavily pregnant and trying to look after my toddler twins. Towards the end of the pregnancy they were babysat by Hey Duggee and Mr Tumble a heck of a lot!

I had the same problem with feeding my DD as she’s so fussy and my energy levels weren’t there to keep up the continuous strain of cooking fresh meals, trying to get her to eat properly, only for most of said meal to end up on the floor!

So I did what other PP have suggested, got DH to do meals the night before (pasta was our go to as he could make up a huge batch, hide loads of grated veggies in the sauce and all I did was microwave a portion for each meal and maybe add some other bits if I could manage.

When I was bedridden he would bring a lot of the twins food and snacks, drinks etc up in a picnic cool box and so I could have them in bed with me when possible and just lean over to get the bits out of the box rather than waddling up and downstairs multiple times a day.

I worried that I was being a crap mum, but DD and DS don’t seem to be displaying any negative side effects of the time where “Mummy was like a cat” (DD’s way of saying I slept an awful lot). You’re doing brilliantly, rope your DH into some batch cooking and congratulations on baby 2

Ok the food not great. Can DH prep a little packed lunch for her or can you do a sandwich, fruit, yogurt type thing and have it ready in the fridge so you can just get it out? I totally sympathise. I'm just getting control of hyperemesis and I struggled to make food for my kids. Its hellish.

As for staying indoors, really it's not a big deal. You're SO pregnant. Chilling with your and toddler some books is not a failing. You're doing what you can. She's not running around unsupervised juggling flaming torches is she.

This will pass.

Be kind to yourself op

I've done this beating myself up nonsense and I'd say you need to not do that, that won't help your mental health. Your daughter is fine! To her this is probably a great day, no hassle, cartoons and a couple of treats plus a book! Far from neglectful.

Days like this cannot be helped and you will probably have them again when you have a bad cold etc. The best thing I did on those days, that made me feed better about it, was provide more snacks. Snack plates are great. Blueberries, strawberries, babybell or cheese, mine likes olives and hars boiled eggs, cucumber, tomatoes, breadsticks, carrots, cold meat, a few spoons out of a tin of sweetcorn. All things that can be thrown together in seconds no cooking or thinking. You can do several eggs at a time and store in the fridge in shells. And it looks great on the plate you will feel better with little effort ! (I also do these after school when dinner is miles away) jars of pesto or Tom puree also great to store to throw in pasta. Yougurt, single jelly, Choc brioche rolls for treats after. Just make sure age appropriate size bites. Bring her upstairs and you lie down while she has a "picnic" on the floor. Tell her to bring some teddies.

I know you followed up with the fact your awaiting a food shop so sometimes we have to improvise. She is only 20 months she is unlikely to eat that much now anyway. Shes not burning many calories on this chilled day. Some milk? Get hubby to help with a better dinner.

Your doing amazing, and the fact your worrying about 3 hours of TV affecting her development is a sign of a really good mum.

I gave birth 3 weeks ago so I KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH. And while I breastfeed for the 700th time today my other child is watching TV with a snack plate and shes is also more than fine.

There are many other days to come and many opportunities for you, when your well to be a fully engaged parent. That's not today and THAT IS OK.

Don’t feel shit on yourself, when the babies here you will be back to normal!! She’s little and will remember loving mommy when she was poorly. 💐

It wouldn’t be great if it was a regular thing but it isn’t OP and lets face it we’ve all had days where we’ve been a bit “crap”, I definitely have when I’ve not been well.

Do what you have to to get through this time, maybe DH could cook a few meals to freeze for you and DD in the day? Rest when you can.

Hi OP,
Just on the off chance does your family meet the criteria for free nursery hours after your child is 2? It might be a help when baby arrives if you do.

www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/free-childcare-2-year-olds

Completely feel your pain.
As PP have said- get a load of hidden veg pasta sauce made up- our freezer is full of the stuff and pasta every day and healthy kids ready meals for the microwave.
If she's at nursery a few days of tv won't kill her. She won't remember and when baby arrives you'll feel much better.
Can you get a friend with a similar age child to come over so they play together on your off days? Or just someone who she would like to play with (My DM came over a lot of more than usual on those exhausting days!)

Your pregnant feel rubbish and had an off day i don't think your day was terrible your dd ate played watched some tv it is honestly not a big deal . Having food she can pick at is fine

I'm forty weeks today and have just had a failed sweep after being up all night with contractions. Feeling so miserable I've just cuddled my 3yo and cried quietly above his head hoping he didn't notice. No nursery for the next two days either and I feel horrible to say I'm dreading it. DH works far away so a long day for us... You're not alone OP not in the slightest. I just want baby to get here !

Seriously. Stop. Worrying.

She won't remember, but if she does she'll probably love it! Lots of tv and cuddles in bed with mummy.

My kids think I'm parent of the year today... they had McDonalds for tea and I bought pudsey ears for them at a grand cost of £2.50 each.

It's been a busy stressful day here, but they happen. Plenty of days for fruit and vegetables and fresh air.

You are doing fine!