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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Financial family dynamic

19 replies

xmasbamechange · 14/10/2019 11:23

Just wanted some honest opinions on our family dynamic.

Me, DH and our kids live what I would say is it a comfortable life, we took the decision that for now I will continue to be a SAHM and live off of DH salary and a small investment I made years ago. We don’t live extravagantly by any means, we cut our cloth accordingly. No one goes without anything they need BUT we don’t do a lot of the extras ie. we go out for dinner maybe every couple months, get a takeaway maybe twice a month, me and DH very rarely buy clothes for ourselves etc and I try and be as frugal as possible where I can and we get by comfortably.

My DB and family are what I would call extremely comfortable maybe bordering wealthy. They work extremely hard and that’s great, I’m happy for them.

The problem we have is that when it’s family occasions ie DM or DF birthday my DB automatically wants to take them out for dinner. Now years ago we did always do this and me and him would split the bill, I was working full time without two kids etc and I had loads of extra cash, now though that’s changed. I tend to suggest going to either mine or his and cooking dinner or getting a takeaway and splitting the bill. I’m always happy to host here, I never have an issue with that. My brother is absolutely happy to just pay the bill, genuinely doesn’t have a problem with it, will actively beg us to come.

The problem is that he will push to go out for dinner and then I will say to my mum listen go out with them and then come to me the next day or whatever and I’ll make dinner, no problem. She’ll say no no please come. I feel awkward as a grown woman that my brother is just paying AGAIN for his whole family, my whole family and our parents but I can not afford to pay like £100-150 for dinner randomly at that short notice.

My mum always says to me you more than makeup for it as you do a hell of a lot for them and I do which is why he says he’s more than happy to.

Does it make me a CF to accept it AGAIN?

(Side note may parents would be more than happy to just go to one of our houses and be treated to a roast, this is all my lovely bro)

Thanks!

OP posts:

Helpmedecide123 · 14/10/2019 12:56

I don't think so. You've told him you can't afford it and he's specifically told you he wants to treat you. I think so long as you keep checking with him each time that it's ok as opposed to assuming it's ok, then that's not being a CF.

DeathStare · 14/10/2019 13:00

Could you explain to your DB that as much as you appreciate his generosity it makes you feel a little uncomfortable that you cannot reciprocate? Maybe suggest alternating so one time it's your responsibility to arrange and pay for (so that will be a roast at your house) and the next time it's his responsibility to arrange and pay for (meal in fancy restaurant)?

midnightmisssuki · 14/10/2019 13:05

my brother is like this - i agree, its an uncomfoortable feeling but he is my older brother and earns X10 of what i do with scope to earn more. He always insists on paying for everyone, not in a show off way, more a i earn X amount, lets share it etc. I do (sometimes) pay for him when we go out and i def spend more on presents for his kids.

Quartz2208 · 14/10/2019 13:24

As an aside it may be 50/50 because I wasnt sure which one was it was fine if he was happy

raspberryk · 14/10/2019 13:26

I truly believe it all comes around in the end, I would (and have) paid for my siblings (and very close friends) and they have for me when the tables turn. I can also help them in other ways that are not financial, just as you do your DB.
It is kind of an unspoken rule in our family that the most well off or the one who invited everyone pays/pays more, quite often they will go and pay the bill quietly or leave the credit card behind the bar and when it comes to getting the bill it has already been dealt with.

Fabrichearts · 14/10/2019 13:34

This probably isn't the case with OP's brother but in my experience, there is an expectation that you will reciprocate in other ways that ultimately cost you what you can't really afford. My sister nagged me senseless to go on a weekend away with her. I couldn't afford it but she wanted to pay. I had to ask her to stop asking me in the end however was somewhat guilted into going. Over the months that followed I found myself in situations with her family where I covered more costs than I normally would. Added up, it was near the cost of the weekend away.

Original poster

xmasbamechange · 14/10/2019 16:38

So we do “pay it back” in our own way. I do a lot of childcare for them which I’m happy to do, our children are extremely close and we don’t have any other family so we all stick together. Me and DH regularly have the kids on the weekends for play dates and sleepovers.
My DB on the other side will spend around £60/£70 on my children each for birthdays/Xmas and me/DH and when they do take them out for the day (although not as often) they truly spoil my kids.
I on the other hand will spend around £30/£40 on each of my nieces and my DB and SIL for birthdays/Xmas and days out will be on a nature walk or maybe bowling for e kids.

I just feel so awkward letting him pay for us every time although I maybe shouldn’t? I feel like I’m taking advantage.

OP posts:

Josette77 · 14/10/2019 16:45

Don't feel awkward! Sounds like he appreciates everything you do for him and wants to pay you back anyways!

AltheaVestr1t · 14/10/2019 16:46

Depends on the family dynamic really. If we go out with BIL he pays. He is a consultant on a very high income. He’s happy to treat us. If we go out with SIL we pay. She is part-time on a low income with two toddlers. We are happy to treat them. If we go out with the PIL (elderly, retired, poor health) we’ll split the bill between the siblings to cover their share. No expectation of anything at all in return, what goes around comes around e.g SIL supported us a lot 10 years ago when we had a young family and times were hard. I realise not all families are like this though!

stucknoue · 14/10/2019 16:49

If your brother wants to pay then it's his choice. We did that in the past (no more he left me!) why not I initiate a meal your self at your house though

ElizaDee · 14/10/2019 16:54

but I can not afford to pay like £100-150 for dinner randomly at that

Surely your family birthdays/anniversaries etc all fall on the same day each year?

AryaStarkWolf · 14/10/2019 16:57

No YANBU, It's his choice and you've told him you can't afford to pay. I would probably insist as forcefully next time to do dinner at yours

Original poster

xmasbamechange · 14/10/2019 17:08

ElizaDee ofcourse they do but there will be no talk of going out for dinner until around 4/5days before. So it will all be arranged that we’re going to mine or his and then all of a sudden it’ll change and everyone wants to go for dinner now.
Anyway I can’t really afford to spend £100-£150 on each of my parents every single birthday as that would mean the same would have to be done for DHs parents. I normally spend around £40 on each of them and then on top of that I would expect to either pay for catering dinner for everyone (£25) or pay half of a takeaway that me and DB would split (maybe £40 each?) which I think is plenty.

OP posts:

Notajogger · 14/10/2019 17:12

This:
Could you explain to your DB that as much as you appreciate his generosity it makes you feel a little uncomfortable that you cannot reciprocate? Maybe suggest alternating so one time it's your responsibility to arrange and pay for (so that will be a roast at your house) and the next time it's his responsibility to arrange and pay for (meal in fancy restaurant)?

steff13 · 14/10/2019 17:19

I'm the sibling in my family who earns more, and I would much rather be out the money and spend time with my family than save the money and not have the family time. It sounds like he's happy to pay, and you help him out in other ways. Go out to dinner.

Original poster

xmasbamechange · 14/10/2019 17:24

steff13 that’s helpful to hear!

OP posts:

SunniDay · 14/10/2019 17:26

Hi OP,
I think you should talk through with your family how you feel. You could suggest that you and your brother take turns to host the family for birthdays and special occasions. You may choose to host a lovely meal at home and he might choose to host his meal in a restaurant (he could equally choose to host at his home by cooking or a takeaway). Tell him he must let you take your turn otherwise you feel uncomfortable.

Some of my parents friends like to host lovely home cooked meals with their group of friends where they have gone to a lot of trouble with themes like Greek, Indian or whatever. My Mum often chooses to take her turn by getting a takeaway at hers or taking her friends for an Indian. It is her turn to host and she pays. That seems fine to me - if someone finds cooking stressfull/difficult or simply too much bother and would rather pay instead.

RealMermaid · 14/10/2019 17:29

If you help him out with childcare then he clearly feels you're paying him back in other ways - it's not unequal it's just different forms of payment. If you all enjoy going out to a meal then I would just go for it - if you're lucky enough to be in a great financial position then of course you want to be able to treat your family now and again :)

leghairdontcare · 14/10/2019 17:30

My bil is "significantly richer than us" as mil always likes to point out. If he wants to pay to go somewhere fancy then we go and I don't feel bad about it. If they visit us we cook or go to nandos - no big deal.

It sounds like you all get along and have good relationships so I wouldn't let this become a 'thing'.

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