Is DP being unreasonable paying me maintenance before he’s moved out?

[Shortwinter]

I am a SAHM, I have some part time work that doesn’t pay much. I gave up a good career as our child has special needs and I provide the professional care. Also we live miles from anywhere so I’m feeling stuck.

Me and DP are separating. However as DSs school is good, we agreed to wait two years as I want to move back to where my family support is and where I can also get back into work. I could find my feet then, but the schools are not as good.

DP does not want to move out, it’s his house, and I cannot, long story but I would not be eligible for housing benefit. DP is very mean with money, he has never let me have access to his bank account and he has a large mortgage on a big house that we don’t really need. He earns a lot of money, a lot, and has a nice car. Which apparently leaves little for anything else, and he’s always complaining that I spend too much on food and house stuff.

Recently he got mad as I paid for a birthday party for DS and had dental work done that I’ve been waiting 2 years for. I asked to go to a social activity group but because we live so far out and I haven’t got a car, I asked him for a lift and he said no I’d have to take the bus there and back. Which is impossible he’d never be home early enough. Now he’s saying that we have to have another chat about money - which means him telling me to spend less. I don’t know what I can do I know he’s amassing a lot of wealth in his house that will stay with him. I’ve said also that DS needs professional therapies as I’m worn out doing everything myself, but it’s like getting blood out of a stone. Once my family gave me money to help out with DS and out of pride I think he gave me £500 for ‘me’ and £500 for DS therapies. I just couldn’t that he doesn’t see these things as a core cost!

His new suggestion is that he pay me a minimal maintenance while I live in the house instead.

I just feel so angry and humiliated. I’ve thought very hard about moving but honestly school is so important (it’s a special needs school) and very hard to get a good one, that I will not leave yet. How do I stay and find this workable?

Then take your child and leave, but you two would certainly have to come to some form of an arrangement, whatever it may be that works for you both. However expecting him to subsidise your lifestyle is not his responsibility, nor should it be. Furthermore, you cannot remain in his home long-term now the relationship has ended. Like I said before, had you been in opposite situations, he would have been called a cocklodger.

Depending on your child and his disability there is a lot of help out there available to you so I would advise that you take a look and see what help you can get. Also apply for the maintenance through the right channels so that he is paying for the care of his child.

Furthermore, if you do wish to go back to work, there may be further options for you as well. I would suggest you seriously contact a CAB and discuss your situation as they can certainly point you in the right direction and get you everything you should be entitled to.

DonnerPaulson Did you properly read and comprehend the thread? It’s not spelled out explicitly but it’s clear the OP has major concerns about her disabled DC being left in the care of unsuitable people.

there is a reason I can’t move out but stay in the same place however it would be too outing to say. Apologies not being obtuse. Also, in addition I am worried this would then go against me when I do want to move back home, as he will then have a much better argument to have more custody with his family near - who are awful.

There you go. Re-read the thread. I saw other mentions to clue you in.

Very unfair to accuse OP of “using” her DC’s father. She clearly cannot just accept 50-50 custody.

@donna That is just the worst advice I’ve had on here. Of course I know about benefits. I’ll just uproot my child ASAP from the school and move now? It would be the best thing for me personally. Not for DS but it’s child that matters eh?As long as I’m not a cocklodger that is the main thing.

@NoSquirrels Thank you but I'm fine with my reading comprehension and I stand by what I stated.

@NoSquirrels thanks.

OP, informing you about looking for further advice to get help with your current situation is the worst advice? Lol, okay then.

No one said you need to uproot your child to a new school, but that there certainly is other help you can get from authorities to help you with your current circumstances with housing and additional help to support you. How you can take that as offensive is beyond me.

But you are right, being a cocklodger is never a good thing. Long term staying with the ex is not feasible, what would happen when he or you find someone else? How will this impact your mental health etc.

Nonetheless, I do stand by the comment that he should not subsidise your lifestyle, but he certainly has responsibility towards his son and that is why I said to go through the right channels and get something in place so that he is.

But you go ahead and get offended.

@DonnaPaulsenSpecter I’m not coming to any arrangement that does not put DSs well being in the centre. Or does the child’s wellbeing not be the centre of decisions any more? Especially a very vulnerable one.

You just haven’t read my thread and called me a cocklodger. And that if only I wasn’t so uninformed and went to CAB I’d be fine. So yeah, pretty offended. If I took your advice I’d have no home, and DS would be looked after by ILs who basically dont care or see that he is bullied by their kids and tell him to run into the road etc as it’s funny.

Nonetheless, I do stand by the comment that he should not subsidise your lifestyle, but he certainly has responsibility towards his son and that is why I said to go through the right channels and get something in place so that he is.

It’s perfectly good advice in general, Donna. But not in specific OP’s situation.

I asked - why did your solicitor advise that, sounds odd. OP says - if I move and my DP goes for 50-50 contact and he will leave DC in his family’s care then my disabled DS will be unsafe.

Read it again.

op has protected her ds privacy by not disclosing his form of disability - it could be quite complex & he needs therapies plural - which is time consuming & as she stated she has to travel & dc father wont help wont pay. So who is she going to get who is qualified to care & who feels able to & would most likely charge higher fees. Obviously the person who has stated she is living off her dh has not had to deal with a dc in this position. However I would advise that you need more advice on claiming state funding, If your dc has a specific condition (like epilepsy, or Downs, or Cerebral Palsy, Autism,etc) I suggest you go to the Charity concerned & ask for advice about benefits. Your husband is financially abusing you (&/or ) your dc

Loads of advice here but can I just return to the subject of how in-laws (and partner too??) treat your son. When you're finally able to move out, while you're not preventing contact you don't want joint custody due to very genuine concerns over your son's wellbeing. Can you start collecting evidence of the things they say/do which show a lack of understanding/care towards your child.

If you're able to present a case which proves that they're not the loving, caring family they purport to be, and don't understand your son's particular needs you'll be in a much stronger position. Plan, plan and plan ahead to gather what you need. I've got an SEN child in special school so completely appreciate your concerns.

Another random thought - presumably your child is changing school in two years, hence the time-scale? Have you thought about home-schooling him for two years? Lots of SEN families do it and you'll probably find a big community in the area if you look. Also means you don't have to put up with this shit for two years.

If a person provides life long care for their disabled child (that goes to a specialist school and has therapies so urm yeah clearly needing a lot of care) by default they cannot be a cocklodger because you know the reason they can only be available to do a part time poorly paid role is because they have this time consuming responsibility already!

A cocklodger provided nothing of value no money and no caring role...

I'm sure the Op would love to have a child that could use mainstream childcare and go back to her well paid career and not be reliant on her ex. Instead she has a life of poverty being a carer for her DC.

Women's aid deal with domestic abuse, including financial. I hope they can advise about your housing benefit situation, or try shelter. It can't be right that you have no money and no access to benefit. I presume you have thought about having lodger etc to help with costs, maybe babysitting, when you move

Are you sure there are no schools on the area you want to go to that can meet ds needs?
Maybe call and talk to the Sen department in your new area ... families move all the time even those with children with complex needs

Thanks so much @averythinline @Bellringer @RandomMess @ExhaustedFlamingo @mumwon and @NoSquirrels I was actually in tears reading your posts today. It means so much to me that you’ve bothered to write, it gives me quite a bit of strength.

My solicitor is in court all this week but I emailed her, and as I did so I realized the most worrying thing - he’s withdrawing his access to finances just before he’s said he wants to sort out separation / access / custody agreement. So I may have no money to pay for my solicitor who is really good! I know I could get legal aid but he can pick anyone he wants. He’d originally said he would pay all my solicitor fees and I believed him. So of course it makes sense now. We’ve been living like this for 2 years already, so why now? I feel totally stitched up.

Yes I’d definable home school, and there are schools in home area, just not as good and worried not managing some aspects would send him right back when We’ve made so much progress already, that is one thing DP agrees on, that I make a huge difference to his son.

@Bellringer yes once I move I can absolutely find my feet through things like lodgers. I wanted to have lodgers here but DP will not allow it. Once I move, I have a plan with family and friends, first few years will be tough and I may need to juggle work / home schooling therapies for DS etc - however I have plans to share a mortgage with someone, and if I can make sure DS is happy and progressing well, then I have a good CV (big old) and qualifications, and will build it up so that in 5 years I am stable.

@ExhaustedFlamingo really good point. I’ve messaged DP with my concerns about ILs - so there is a record - as they arise - but I’m worried it will come down to he said, she said. DS did have an unexplained cut one time, and said his cousin hurt him. DP said I was making it up.

I have contact with SS as is normal with his special needs, and said I had concerns to them with ILs however they didn’t seem concerned! Although for the past year DS has had very, very little contact with them. Because DS time is now filled with activities and I don’t let him play with ILs unsupervised. Last few times their kids were there and it was clear to me they were bullying DS, taking his IPad, playing really rough games involving hitting, telling DS to do exactly what they wanted - I obviously intervened each time but amazingly, DP did not seem to even notice. No one did.

Solicitor now and initiate divorce and a financial order. You will be substantially and significantly better off. He's stalling and controlling you. End it!

@GrumpiestCat thanks but unfortunately not married. Obviously if I did it again...

Ah bugger was reading on the run and not paying attention. I do think he's trying it on so I hope you find a way out that's fair on you

Thanks. I keep making the mistake of thinking we can sort this out reasonably. I need to hang on to my solicitor and sadly maybe I do need to just move very soon despite school. It is a shame as they really get DS and he’s made his first ever friend. I’ve worked very hard with the teachers to get tailored support and he’s thriving. You can replicate that and I wanted just a couple of years for DS to progress.

You can’t replicate that I meant... it’s taken me three years to get to this with DS, nearly 2 years waiting list for school and 1 year working with the teachers.

It's really shit that you are being penalised by your ex by putting DS first

Omg. He's a prick. You need a solicitor. Now.

Oh love, he’s done a right number on you. what a nasty odious little turd. He’s backed you into a corner and using your son as a weapon. From what you’ve said, you clearly have acted in your son’s best interests to the detriment of your own while he lives the life of riley.

Sadly, there isn’t lots of help out there for parents of children with additional needs. It’s really tough. It sounds like you’re taking all the right steps e.g. seeing a solicitor.

I’m sorry I don’t have any specific advice but I wanted to say you are not unreasonable and you are acting like a loving, caring parent. I cannot see how you’re going to live with a man who treats you so badly, it’ll really hurt you emotionally. You deserve better.

@Schuyler thank you. It’s like he has two layers. One layer of being a good, decent and kind man. Which is absolutely there. And another underneath where he does not see me as a human being. He’s no interest in a relationship, I think he quite likes still living with his son, having me around, but being able to keep all his money, sleep with whoever he likes and answer to no one. How the hell did I get here?