To few utterly desperate and hopeless?

[WhoArtinHeaven]

Because my baby's sleep just keeps getting worse and I can't see an end in sight?

At circa 8 months we are now waking approximately hourly, sometimes within 20 minutes of laying down. Currently still bed sharing. Can't see how to do anything differently as still feed to sleep and baby is hard to transfer. Once upon a time we got a decent smattering of three-hour sleeps and I was surviving, but these last few weeks it's getting to the point where I don't know how I will continue to function. I"m.too tired to think straight to try and work out a plan of action. All naps are on me (arms or sling). I'm lost.

I read about sleep training (which wouldn't be my first choice, but feeling desperate) and for every article that says it's OK, there is another that makes me feel awful for even considering it. Although with teething and colds galore I don't forsee a suitable window of opportunity for it anyway!

Not my first baby, but first was nothing like this and self-settled from a few months and, even when sleeping poorly was mostly in a cot and waking ~3x a night. Much more manageable.

I don't know what to do. Sat up cuddling for the sixth time so far tonight, trying not to cry. I feel pathetic and a shell of myself.

You poor thing, I’ve been there with my third DC - I was a shell of myself. No one understands the torture unless they have gone through it.

I tried sleep training many times and it didn’t work. He’s 10 now and still struggles to get to sleep but sorts himself out during the night. I will never forget how hard it was when he was a non-sleeping/unsettled baby.

I have friends who, in desperation, employed a nurse/sleep trainer for one or two nights with their babies and all have said it helped them.

I feel for you. It’s horrific, and I don’t think there are any easy solutions (or they would have worked for you already).

Look after yourself as best you can. This too shall pass, and one day this cuddly baby will be a big 20 year old who does not want to nap on you!

Id say firstly is there someone who can take baby tomorrow and let you get some sleep ? Family, friend? You sound utterly exhausted and no wonder you can’t think straight, you are definitely not pathetic, sleep deprivation is utterly horrendous. It’s been a long time since mine were babies but I would suggest not doing anything that’s going to make you feel awful. Have you tried putting baby in their own cot? Ds2 was a nightmare sleeper and would cry for hours when trying to soothe him to sleep, one night I couldn’t take it any more and lay him in his cot to give us both 5 minutes apart and he instantly fell asleep. Turned out he actually just wanted to be put down and given his own space to sleep in. It seemed totally alien to me as my other 2 had been snuggling sleepers. I’m sure others will come along with great advice and suggestions of things to try but I’d prioritise getting yourself some sleep.

Google pick up put down. Worked amazingly for us (you have to stick to it!) and after two or three nights she slept like a dream without any horrible crying etc.

Totally understand. My twins are three and sleep is awful. DT2 has now been awake for two hours with no end in sight. It makes you feel utterly bereft.

We’ve had better periods of sleep and I found that it was easier to start with making changes to naps as it feels more manageable during the day. Does the baby have a cot, co sleeper or anything? If so I would try putting them down for naps at first. Otherwise we used to bounce the true to sleep in baby Bjorn bouncers (easy to bounce with your foot and then transfer them).

Do you have anyone to help? Someone else may have better success putting down for a nap than you.

Have you ruled out health issues like reflux or food intolerance? How is their breathing eg is their nose blocked.
DS1- the pick up put down method worked. 27 times first night, 5 the second and was self settling within a week. DS2 developed chronic tonsillitis so we would often be wandering around at 2am covered in sick. We had his tonsils out 3 years old and the improvement was huge.

When DS was younger, he was an upright baby and wouldnt sleep anywhere except next to me my boobs

The only way we could get sleep was to lie next to each other, I'd get into the c position (like they recommend for co-sleeping) and fall asleep with him feeding (I will add that that sleep was exceptionally light and I never got any deep sleep but it was enough to get me through).

I wedged the moses basket up to the side of the bed so if he rolled, he'd fall into that. Then I protected him from OH rolling over in the night.

Dont force yourself into sleep training if you're not ready. I tried Pick up Put Down and it was the worst decision. It was highly stressful for all us and we just accepted that DS was not that kind of baby. However, I am glad I tried it - I think its important to try new things and see how they go. Yours may adapt perfectly to it.

If they breastfeed, I suspect not as they love the closeness. Try lying down to feed to sleep, see if it works for you.

Stay strong lovely... it does get better. This too shall pass.

DD was like this, waking hourly, nightmare to settle, had to be in contact with me. She never seemed particularly tired through the day and was bright and developing well. I was a mess though. Things improved slightly for us when I caved in to bed sharing (I see you do this already, and it wasn’t a miracle change, just made life easier) and also stopped stressing about when she would sleep through / the ‘bad habits’ I’d created. I have to be totally honest with you, we didn’t have any luck at all with any sleep training methods. DD is the world’s most stubborn child and we just had hours of angry screaming with even the ‘gentle’ methods. I used to just cope as best as I could for as long as I could (I was breastfeeding) then would have to wake DH to take her. Normally an hour of him rocking her and he could get her down for a couple of hours.

I genuinely don’t know how we survived, it was horrendous and you have my genuine sympathies.

It did get better though. I can’t tell you when, and we didn’t do anything to make it better, DD just worked it out for herself and one day I realised I wasn’t tired anymore. maybe around 9months? Still didn’t sleep through but we got long stretches.

She’s 2.5 now and we all sleep. She goes down well at a bedtime slightly later than I’d like, but that suits her. She wakes at some point and climbs in with us most nights, normally without us even realising. She wakes a bit too early for my liking, but not at a ridiculous hour. The ‘rod for my own back’ never materialised.

I can’t offer any ideas for what might work for you as nothing did for us other than time. However, you have to do what you have to do. I personally err more on the side of not sleep training, but when you’re desperate you’ll try anything. It didn’t work for us, but that became apparent pretty quickly and DD suffered no ill effects from us trying. While
controlled crying never really sat right with me, I don’t believe it will be damaging to a well loved and cared for child who is having their needs met. Plenty of people do it and they don’t seem to have damaged their children.

If you end up having a stubborn one like us the only advice I can give is just concentrate on surviving it without worrying too much about ‘teaching’ your baby to sleep. Sleep deprivation is still horrific but to me it was slightly eased without the added worry of what I should be doing differently.

I really hope things get better quickly for you, but honestly, you will get through it and your child will sleep one day.

Didn't want to read and run. I have no advice but lots of sympathy; mine's started waking every 20 mins lately for latching on and I'm done in.

At 8 months feeding to sleep and bed sharing is only going to hurt you. I really get it, one of mine (my first) nearly drove me insane up until 18 months. The first thing to make sure of that he is not peaky. Is his colour ok, is he taking all his feeds normally, is he eating well during the day, how many naps is he having? Is his poo ok?

At 8 months, he should have his own bed that he goes into at whatever hour you choose. He should be going into it sleepy, fed and clean and spend at least 6/8 hours asleep in it. You facilitate this. I don't think he needs to be in a sling anymore. He is 8 months old, not a newbie to the world anymore. With the kindest way of putting it, he needs to self comfort a bit more. You are taking way too much on.

Maybe get him checked out with your GP, make his bed up and start putting him in it. Even if he still cries every hour there is a small bit of relief knowing he is in is own bed and he will get used to it, teddies, lights on the ceiling and a few nights lying beside the cot holding hands. It will get better.

oakandlove I was from exactly the same train of thought as you til I met my daughter. It’s all well and good to say they should be in their cot for 6-8 hours but when you have a child who simply won’t sleep then no amount of being strict and ‘facilitating’ will help. And I’m sorry, but to say ** is laughable. When you have a non-sleeper believe me there is absolutely no relief from the frantic screams that result from a child being left in their cot. DD categorically did not get used to any amount of teddies, ceiling lights or hand holding.

I’m sure you are trying to help the OP, your suggestions can work for some babies, and OP should absolutely try those things if she hasn’t already. However, your post comes across as telling the OP this is all her fault, she just hasn’t been strict enough.

Oops, quote fail

Should say to say Even if he still cries every hour there is a small bit of relief knowing he is in is own bed and he will get used to it is laughable

@KTCluck I still stand by what I said and I said in my post I had a non-sleeper up until 18 months, stop projecting negatively, sad to see that happen.

If you want to criticise my post feel free, but add alternative advice, this is an open forum, what is your solution, what help are you giving, waiting....??

Definitely get gp to check baby over, particularly ears. It might be pain somewhere causing the problem.

@Oakandlove. It was not meant as criticism of your post, I just picked up on a judgemental tone in what you said and wanted to support the OP to ensure she knew we don’t all think she’s created this herself, as that isn’t what she needs when she’s at the end of her tether. Apologies if that tone wasn’t there. Perhaps I’ve jumped on it based on my own past experiences. As you’ve had a non sleeper yourself you’ll probably understand the frustration of being told ‘just put them in their cot’ as if you haven’t thought of that. My favourite was ‘have you tried a good routine’.

My own experience and advice are already posted 2 posts above your original.

Oh OP, I feel for you. Ds was a nightmare. An absolute nightmare and by the time he was 12 months I was on my knees.

Does he take a bottle? Or a sippy cup? If not make that your first job. My ds was a bf fiend and wouldn't take a bottle no matter what. When we started weaning onto solids I introduced a sippy cup with water and that sort of became a bit of a comforter instead of my boob. Whe he got to 12 months I nightweaned him off me and onto the sippy cup of water. Used a combination of shh pat, pick up and out down and offering only the cup between 11pm and 6am. He didn't need overnight boob, he was just using it to go back to sleep.

I also stopped letting him sleep for hours on me in the sling in the day. So he would go to sleep in the sling, then I would put him down on my bed with me at the side of him, and shhh him back to sleep.

And finally I insisted that dh do some of the early mornings on a weekend. So I could get a few extra hours and I also napped in the afternoon on the weekend day I got up with him early. Made a world of difference.

But definitely start with the night weaning. Who wouldn't want to sleep next to their source of food and comfort and snack all night? Make it less desirable to be awake and he may sleep a bit more. He will be furious the first few nights but it will make a massive difference.

You poor thing ..... You should take your baby to be checked out by a good GP. It sounds as though it could be reflux and that needs to be either sorted or ruled out. Sleep training won't work on a baby with reflux. There is nothing wrong with co-sleeping though, as long as the mother isn't overweight, drunk or drugged!

I hope you find a solution soon.

Thank you for all the replies. Last night was typically hideous, and we've been up since 5:30, so I don't have the mental ability to respond properly now, but I will do.
Mentally preparing myself for a day with both children to entertain!

Hi OP

Solidarity to you, I've been up with my second born since 5. He's almost 2 and has always been a shocking sleeper.

From 4 months to 18 months he woke hourly and I honestly thought I'd go mad. I used to fantasise about running away. He had to sleep next to me with one hand in my hair and feed back to sleep every 20 mins- hour.

At about 18 months it started to improve to every 2-3 hours. At that point I weaned him. It was a gamble because I thought it would either improve things or mean I lost my one tool for getting him back to sleep. In our case it massively improved things and wakes went down to 2 per night which is where we still are now. He still comes in at second wake and sleeps with one hand in my hair until morning which is 4.30-5am.

We tried cranial osteopathy which may have helped a bit at 18 months. Weaning definitely helped us. DH taking over bedtime also definitely helped us because bedtime was awful : it was like he just hated he whole idea of sleep! Now he goes down really easily for bed and nap with a goodnight kiss and cuddle and his cuddly toys. I never thought I'd see the day!

Hang in there.

Thanks again for all the lovely responses. I didn't really expect that, posting in AIBU! I have only just noticed the typo in my title, should obviously be "feel" not "few"!

Unfortunately I don't have anyone who can help so I can rest during the day. It's tough, but that is the way it it. Having a village would be great but I'm not in that position.

DC has just cut three teeth in very quick succession, so I am hoping that, coupled with the 8 month sleep regression, may be partially responsible for how awful things have been. The last two nights have been marginally better - I think roughly five wake ups, rather than hourly, which is definitely better. Night before last I got almost three hours joined up sleep!! So I am feeling a lot less desperate today.

I will consider the GP if things continue... it is something I had thought about, but didn't want to be seen as a time waster (and expected just to be told to CIO). I don't think there are any other signs of reflux though. I think baby is just high-needs and very attached to me. There's a cranial osteopath in my town who treats babies so I may give them a call and see what they say.

And this weekend I will badger DH to help me rearrange the furniture so we can get the cot into the smallest bedroom and maybe try the cot and see how that goes. I'm concerned about the regular crying and getting up and down potentially disturbing my older child though.

Things would be so much easier if I could SEE the end point, when it's an unknown length of time stretching ahead it seems rather overwhelming.