To ask what factors make a people pleaser?

[Charley1988]

I'm about to make a difficult phone call where I have to say no to people. Dreading it.
A lot of my life has been fair ruined by my people pleasing tendencies. I'd really appreciate your feedback

What factors? Sadly I was dragged up in an abusive environment and the adults around me being 'pleased' meant a safer space for me. So it's always been second nature to put others first, it makes me feel relaxed and safer.

What's important is for you to feel comfortable saying no when you need to; recognising your own boundaries and limitations is really vital - not just personally but professionally, too. It's taken me a long time but I'm able to say 'no' in a strong and entirely appropriate way, now.

In what context are you needing and struggling to say 'no', OP??

You phone them up and say Hi its Charley I am not going to do x y or z for you Im letting you know now so you can arrange something else. You dont urmm and ahh and you don't be overly apologetic and you don't even have to say why you don't want to do the thing.

Try and turn the emphasis around and give them “ what’s in it for me ?” about your decision. Let them think there is some gain for them.
Whatever you say, keep it short and sweet and don’t be ambiguous about any change in decision.

Lack of self-esteem. My mother is a chronic people-pleaser because she thinks she has nothing to offer other people apart from service.

It has ruined her life — she is now a friendless elderly woman because she has never understood that being the endlessly biddable yes-woman makes her an invisible lady-in-waiting, not a friend.

I think it comes down to self esteem. You think people will only like you if you always say yes to everything. It's a good test to see what happens if you say no.

Cormac in virtually every context / !! I also have great difficulty keeping nosey people at arms length

WhatsmyName - in your opinion what tends to happen when people say no?

You do have to begin to say no, in order to build resilience and confidence in saying no, as odd as that sounds!

Remember you do not exist solely to please others, and nothing awful will happen if you say no - sometimes wishes are not possible and you have no choice.

It is no bad thing to put yourself first - it's finding the balance between kindness and self-preservation that can be difficult!

charlie1988 people show their true colours, and sometimes it actually does you a favour. I had an extremely one-sided friendship which was all about me doing everything for her, always being there for every little thing she was going through, and she literally had no interest in anything that was happening with my life, ever! Once I was feeling awful, going through some really hard stuff and she wanted a massive favour. I didn't even say a direct "no", I said is there anyone else that could help just this one time? Well she had a massive fight with me, which ended up doing me a favour as I finally got the opportunity to say how one sided everything has always been, and in fact it got much better after that (once the initial drama/temper tantrum died down). The alternative could have also happened, in which case I would have had a great excuse to get out of a bad friendship, which I never would have had the nerve to do

My mother is a chronic people-pleaser because she thinks she has nothing to offer other people apart from service. Yes, this.

she is now a friendless elderly woman because she has never understood that being the endlessly biddable yes-woman makes her an invisible lady-in-waiting, not a friend. So what makes a friend? What does your mother have to offer that would make being friends with her worthwhile?

Low self-esteem make you a people pleaser. I was one and secretly resented it. I felt I had to do something for someone otherwise I served no purpose. Years of bullying at school and being used by boys put paid to that.

I lost a few friends when I said no to favours. I was able to see the other side to people which worked for my benefit. People respect those who can say no without umming and aahing. No need to over apologise either.

I also think just ignoring people is generally fine.

You don’t need to respond to every message or “do the right thing” with manipulative pushy types. If you don’t like confrontation just block or don’t respond.

I was on a group night out last night which was a bit shit and the slight acquaintance whose idea it was seemed to be setting it up like we were going to be buying each other drinks all night and seemed to have plans which overrode my own thoughts without checking what I actually wanted ?

I left after a short while without telling anyone (I mean I hadn’t shared transport and wasn’t planning to on the way home so wasn’t practically putting anyone out ).

Ten years ago I’d have been all apologetic and felt I needed to “make excuses” for not wanting to stay at a big party when I didn’t want to.

The other thing is to learn how to not put yourself socially in a situation where you are obliged to/dependent on people?

Pay your way, organise your own things, don’t worry about being standoffish or not being included.

I would say “fake it til you make it” here. Think of someone who would have no problem having your difficult conversation and think how they would word it and react.

@MereDintofPandiculation, answering your question about my mother, honestly I will never know, because she has no idea who she is. She literally can’t imagine a friendship where the other person gets in touch because they love being around you, not out of obligation or because they need something done. When I was a teenager living at home, she was genuinely frightened when I said ‘no’ to something someone asked me to do, even if was babysitting at no notice when I was already babysitting for someone else.

I think also being aware there ARE a lot of people who like to control and bully younger women (or redistribute/impinge on their time and play controlling power games) and it’s “not just you” might help? It’s a structural/societal thing as much as anything.

Thank - I really appreciate all your insights on this

Thanks **

Yes it does help AngelOf