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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New mum to 3.5 month old, husband out 2-3nights a week until 2/3am

24 replies

NSR17 · 13/10/2019 12:03

Hi All,
First time poster 🙋🏽‍♀️
My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 1.5 years, we recently had our first child, a baby boy, in June. I have been exclusively breastfeeding him since birth and because of this, I do all the nights with him myself and choose not to disturb my husband unless absolutely necessary as I understand that he has to go to work. I have no help during the day, which is how I prefer it at the moment. My husband works from home once a week, however during these days he treats it like he is on holiday. He never asks me how I might like to be helped. The biggest thing upsetting me at the moment is that, although he leaves after our baby's bedtime, he comes home at 2-3am for 2 or 3 nights a week because he spends his time with his single friends. I never minded him doing this whilst I was pregnant, but now that I am up all night feeding our baby I feel very lonely. On top of this, although he doesn't admit to it, the next day he is always tired and has to nap, which isn't very helpful. I wouldn't mind if it was only once a week and I've tried on several occasions to have a conversation with him about this. He fails to see any problem with him being out if the baby is sleeping but I think it's ruining our marriage. I'm growing increasingly resentful of him too, as it was him who convinced me we should have a baby (although I am eternally grateful for our little miracle), but now I feel like I am trapped at home all alone whilst he is unaffected. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 13/10/2019 12:07

YANBU

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 13/10/2019 12:08

Yanbu at all

lanbro · 13/10/2019 12:10

YADNBU I eventually left my one of these

Wonkydonkey44 · 13/10/2019 12:12

Yanbu he has a child now . He’s being a selfish knob

Hooferdoofer37 · 13/10/2019 12:13

Have a talk to him today.

Explain that his actions are ruining your marriage and that as of now, if he wants to stay up until 2-3am that's fabulous, he can stay up with you and the baby as you are fed up of doing it all by yourself and you shouldn't have to.

Or you can express and he can do the night feeds whilst you sleep.

He's a parent now and has 50% responsibility for raising his child; which nights of the week does he want those to be?

If he wants to act like a single man, then he should leave you both and be a single man, if he wants to be party of your family then he needs to act like a husband and father.

Original poster

NSR17 · 13/10/2019 12:13

I do have to add though, that when he is at home he does the laundry and cleaning and tries to help out. He also takes care of all the bills so I don't have to think about anything but our son.
Although I am grateful for this, I still can't help but feel lonely and neglected

OP posts:

TilandPop · 13/10/2019 12:14

YADNBU

Aquamarine1029 · 13/10/2019 12:15

YANBU, but weren't you aware of his habits and selfishness before you married him?

Jasonh · 13/10/2019 12:16

Hi first tine dad to a 6 month old DD here.
Even though you say you are happy being alone during the day, you need him to take over and help on the evenings and weekends.

He should be thinking of you all the time and trying to figure out how he can help in any way possible. After I saw my wife give birth my love for her grew and I know that I need to be there for her and baby.

Going out three times a week and leaving your wife n baby @ home is scandalous. Tell him to grow up, this is big boy stuff and he needs to step up and carry his load. I don’t really know why I even need to tell you this tbh.

jannier · 13/10/2019 12:21

How involved do you encourage him to be? Baths nappy changes getting baby at feed times cuddles etc. Some men feel pushed out and surplus to requirement like baby is all mummy needs so rebel

Original poster

NSR17 · 13/10/2019 12:27

I've tried my best to make him feel as involved as he can. I realised that breastfeeding was creating a bond which he misses out on, so suggested that he takes responsibility of bath time everyday so that he too can have a bonding experience with him daily. I encourage him to have cuddles and nappy changes as much as I can. But I also feel that although he loves spending time with our son, on the evenings he is at home, of I ask him to take care of our son whilst I shower, I've more often than not, seen him on his phone more than bonding.
I knew what he was like before marriage, however, I thought he would change after marriage like I did.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 13/10/2019 12:43

I knew what he was like before marriage, however, I thought he would change after marriage like I did

Why did you think that? Did you talk about it?

Men like your husband are dinosaurs. The fact he needs to be told his behaviour is unacceptable is ridiculous. The fact he WANTS to is ridiculous.

The fact you see his responsibilities to the house as ‘helping out’ is ridiculous.

Adults with families and responsible jobs going out multiple times a week until the early hours is ridiculous.

You need a proper talk and to see if more time spent with him is a waste.

twinkledag · 13/10/2019 12:44

Sounds like a right catch 🙄

NoraThePessimist · 13/10/2019 12:51

He sounds like a bad dad and worse husband.

Have you thought about all this, and what a letdown he is??

plays on phone rather than active parenting
stays out socialising into early hours regularly
"helps out", what the fuck?!
has to be asked to look after own child

Honestly op if all you're getting here is the bills paid, it's not much of a relationship.

It sounds like his life hasn't changed now that he's a dad. Yours has, significantly. Why is that? What needs to change to turn him into an equal parent, and do you think he wants to and is capable?

Most losers aren't. It might be easier just considering why you're together and see if he'll commit to change.

RhinoskinhaveI · 13/10/2019 12:54

he wanted you to have a baby because the baby will keep you busy and distract you from the fact that he is off doing what he wanted.
the baby means that you are compromised disempowered and easier to control and manipulate.

Fucket · 13/10/2019 12:56

Please don’t give up work to look after the children. You will be his little wifey at home and having the social life without you.

IsobelRae23 · 13/10/2019 13:05

I have to teen dc, different dads. Both dads would fight with me to take care of their dc. I’d say it’s time for a bath, they wanted to do it, time for a feed, they done it, baby unsettled, they’d take them for a walk, baby woke at night, they’d get up to feed them, baby needed changing, they done it. To me, this is being a dad. When they are their doing as much as possible for their baby. I would have resented them if they behaved as your dh. Maybe I was lucky? Or maybe they were just being a dad? I know no different, so can’t compare. I just know I had 2 dads who done everything possible for their baby, child and now teen.

cushioncovers · 13/10/2019 13:15

Yanbu he is. Please don't have another child with him. If he doesn't change and accept he has a family then he's not a keeper. He's a bachelor who happens to have a family.

Windygate · 13/10/2019 13:29

You were very naive to think he would change, sorry.

BasinHaircut · 13/10/2019 13:34

The only piece of advice I ever have for any of my friends having their first child is to make sure that from day 1 you make sure the father knows that they are 50% responsible for everything this little human needs.

Under no circumstances should any woman allow the father of their child to think that they are doing them a favour by changing a nappy, giving a feed or a bath, or getting up in the night.

I don’t give a shit if the man ‘has to go to work in the morning’, unless they are piloting a plane or operating heavy machinery or long distance driving or something similar where being tired at work is actually dangerous.

If my office working DH told me that he couldn’t do 50% of the night work, (regardless of breastfeeding, the child still needs changing and possibly soothing back to sleep) I’d have laughed in his face.

Please don’t allow yourself to fall into this trap, you should have as much time and freedom from responsibility as your DH and you are doing yourself and your DS a disservice by allowing his father to be such a deadbeat.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/10/2019 14:46

I knew what he was like before marriage, however, I thought he would change after marriage like I did.

Selfish bastards never change. When will some women ever learn?

granadagirl · 13/10/2019 14:56

A child’s for sharing 50/50 regardless off work
In fact it’s harder looking after baby and running a house, than it is going to work imo
So why you let him sleep no no
Express the milk into a bottle, and let him do his bit.
The nights out, no no
Maybe a Friday night yer
Why should he go out, get pissed
Sleep and then need a nap again later. Fuck that.
You must be shattered

Start now, if it’s not to late already

Original poster

NSR17 · 13/10/2019 17:54

Thank you for your comments and advice everyone! I really appreciate it!

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 13/10/2019 20:05

You need a good ,strong relationship for both of you to be good parents if you are living together-going out so often is ridiculous but assuming he would change his habits? That's crazy also. Time to have a come to Jesus talk and tell him he must work on your relationship with each other or you'll leave

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