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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he doesn’t have a leg to stand on

18 replies

Wellthatsashock · 13/10/2019 09:52

Ex and I broke up two years ago.

Our ‘custody’ arrangement is he has dc two
Weekend out of five and once during the week so for example

Week 1- Monday over night
Week 2- wed over night
Week 3- Thursday overnight
Week4- fri to sun
Week 5- fri to sun

But he doesn’t always stick to this because of overtime in work etc. From June he has had DC for two weekends in total and then the usual one overnight. He couldn’t do his weekends due to work but the I found out one of them
He brought his gf away.

This weekend he asked me to keep DC as he and gf were going away so I agreed. I then seen they went away with their dog to a caravan so could have brought DC obviously just didn’t want too.

When I pulled him up on this he has said that he is going to bring me to court for more access although I have never denied him access. He also
Doesn’t pay the full maintenance as he has said he’ll bring me in 50/50 if I claim for full maintenance. Would he have a chance at 50/50?

OP posts:

TheQueens · 13/10/2019 09:55

To be honest I can't see why he wouldn't have a chance at 50/50 unless there is something missing from this story? He has contact with them now (albeit sporadic). How old are the children? I'm presuming he has suitable living arrangements?

NoDontLookAtMeImShy · 13/10/2019 09:57

You're saying how can he have them 50/50 when he doesn't seem to be able to have them for little arranged time that he does.

So you're wondering whether to call his bluff or whether he's being serious and wants them 50/50.

Could he cope with them half the time? Could he get them to school and deal with clubs and stuff?

Original poster

Wellthatsashock · 13/10/2019 10:00

Yes I don’t see how he would be rewarded with 50/50 when he can’t stick to the little time he has them now.

Dc goes to two clubs and one of them ex refuses to bring him to as one of my family members children goes to it too so I have to pick up DC from ex to bring her to the club

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 13/10/2019 10:10

He can bring you to court, sure.
All that will happen is you'll receive a court order which neither of you can break. So he will have to follow through with his contact dates and so will you. You will be held in contempt of court if either one of you breaks the order. So it is serious stuff. And maybe this is the best way forward if you need him to be more reliable.
If he has a wedding in the back end of nowhere to attend with his girlfriend and it falls on a weekend which the court has ordered as his contact weekend, he will a)have to bring the kids or, b) have your written permission/agreement (keep everything!) that he can swap weekends on this occasion or c) apply to the courts for a whats-it-called (order of change? I can't remember... but he will have to apply to the courts for permission to alter a contact date IF you don't grant written permission to swap dates).

Hope this helps! I went through this circus a few years ago and it wore me out. I hope you don't get too caught up in it and that everything can come to a swift arrangement. A court order for contact was the best thing for us. My ex just had to stick to the arrangements. And we stopped arguing/disagreeing. It sort of helped diffuse the disappointment and let-downs and actually, we formed a fairly decent friendship.

Tweennightmare · 13/10/2019 10:12

Seriously do you think he wants 50/50 . Dosent sound like it given his limited access now. I would let him crack on . Chances are he would get it but then fail to be able to cope with it so cutting off his nose to spite his face. I am more concerned about the maintenance. Why is he not giving the full amount if you are having DC more than 50% of the time . You should be making sure you get everything you are entitled to especially as he seems to have plenty of money for holidays with his girlfriend. Take him to court for full maintenance

TheVanguardSix · 13/10/2019 10:12

Also, maintenance plays ZERO role in this scenario, mad as it seems.

Original poster

Wellthatsashock · 13/10/2019 10:17

I don’t want DC to go 50/50 so I don’t demand the full maintance as I don’t want to rock the boat.

I asked for a change in days ina few weeks time and he has refused even tho I had changed the arrangements for this weekend I’m just getting really fed up with him calling all
The shots when he does such little parenting. But I don’t want my DC to go50/50 so I just don’t know whether to suck it up or stand up to him and see what happens

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 13/10/2019 10:19

You know him better than us - do you think he will apply for 50:50? Under your circumstances, I'd be calling his bluff and claiming full maintenance.

Cherrysoup · 13/10/2019 10:21

He doesn’t want 50% and pp saying he has to stick to what the court orders is nonsense. He won’t be prosecuted and can’t be made to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

DanBiggarsHair · 13/10/2019 10:21

He won't go for 50/50 as he doesn't actually want it. He just knows that you don't want it. Sort out CMS maintenance and get what the kids are entitled to. He's bluffing.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 13/10/2019 10:24

What a bastard. Call his bluff - he’s can’t even meet the limited responsibility he has now let alone anything resembling proper parenting.

slipperywhensparticus · 13/10/2019 10:25

Go to cms if he kicks off tell him it's fine he can take you to court say see you in mediation

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 13/10/2019 10:32

Unless things have changed severely a Court order only dictates when the children have to be made available to the other parent, nothing you can do if they don't show up other than to keep a diary and go back to court.

If you go to court makesure you get everything you want written in to the order too. Children to be taken to sports groups, Christmas and birthday arrangements etc.

Windydaysuponus · 13/10/2019 10:37

I bet hisbgf wouldn't be up for him having them 50 /50.
Send him a proposed schedule for what his time would include.
Dr
Dentist
Clubs
Sickness - off school so childcare would be his responsibility.
School runs
Etc.
Suggest he confirms he could commit and you will speak to your solicitor about a contract....
Watch him back track...

NoDontLookAtMeImShy · 13/10/2019 10:40

I think you're going to have to call his bluff.

He's got you over a barrel and he knows it. He knows you don't like to rock the boat and he's using that as a stick to beat you with.

Either stand up to him now or endure the threats and half arsed parenting forever.

fruitinaheapisnotabirthdaycake · 13/10/2019 11:44

Yes he would be given 50/ 50 access because he is not a danger to the kids and does see them ( even if rarely)

fruitinaheapisnotabirthdaycake · 16/10/2019 19:24

Get legal advice op

bridgetreilly · 16/10/2019 19:28

Definitely call his bluff. You should be getting the full maintenance now. If he wants to sue for more custody, well, let him try, but his current record would make it extremely unlikely.

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