DD cut herself when her boyfriend broke up with her. Now she's getting back with him

[anxiousmum2019]

My 17 year old DD has been with her boyfriend for almost a year. Very intense relationship, spend every second they can together, constantly on phone with each other. Very 'forever and always' conversations.

My DH and I have tried to give her as much space as possible and tried not to interfere but it has worried us as she suffers from low self esteem/confidence. She finds it difficult to speak to new people and has few friends. She has little/no outside interests, hobbies or friends beyond her boyfriend.

Their relationship is punctured with many arguments and last week, after a row, he finished with her. Understandably she was distraught. She has a craft knife and cut her forearms numerous times. She said it was just to feel the pain of the cuts to distract her from her other pain rather than her wanting to end things.

We didn't call the GP when it happened. Not sure if I regret that now. My DH is a HCP and works with a psychologist and he's been trying to contact her for advise. I've been googling local therapists/counselling services but a) there are so many, how do you choose and b) I'm so scared for her, I want to help her now and I assume any therapist won't be able to see her ASAP.

My DD and (ex)boyfriend have slowly been back in contact over weekend and he's agreed to come over tonight to talk and take baby steps to get back together. She, of course, is instantly happier. Problem is, the underlying issue hasn't gone away. What can we do? How can we help? Now she is 'getting back with him' she doesn't want to talk about it.

My Dsis went through similar, it all came to a head around a year after getting back together with an attempted suicide. Not what you want to hear I'm afraid. I would be very careful and observant about them getting back together, it all sounds far too intense at that age

Thank you for replying. I very much hope things are better for your daughter now? Were you able to access any outside help? I just can't find the right words to say to her.

Sorry, it was your sister not your daughter. I didn't read it correctly.

My thoughts are 'has she just found out that harming herself can make him do what she wants?'. Which is dangerous for him as well as her.

You need to try and put a stop to this relationship- its toxic! And it will only get worse! This was my daughter at the start of the year- she had been with her bf for 16 months. He became very controlling, telling her what friends she could have, who she could add on Instagram erc. He knew all her social media passwords so he could check up on her and remove people that he thought she couldn't be friends with. They had time apart several times, but drifted back together. I then discovered that she was self harming because of him. Sat her down and told her that good healthy relationships arent like that- they shouldn't make you feel like you want to do that to yourself..they should make you feel loved and happy and safe. They did split up eventually in February and he's still messaging her and trying to get her back,but she's with someone else now and realises that the relationship with her ex was not a good one! I would take her to the doctor- she may benefit from some counselling- Relate are fab; my daughter went to them once a week for 8 weeks and it helped her a great deal to speak to someone outside family x

Has she used her self harm to guilt trip him into getting back together with her?

You need to get her to the GP.

Yes it's possible. I think there is an element of emotional blackmail going on. I am conscious with what this relationship is doing to him as well but they are very similar characters, both shy and with few friends. I don't know how to help either of them. Keep out of it and just be there when she needs me?

I agree with MitziK and TheMonkeyWhale in that this could be something she is using to continue the relationship.

I also partially agree with looselegs in that the relationship isn't healthy. Where I disagree is in the premise that it must be the boy that is being controlling (he maybe but there is little to nothing to suggest it) from what has been written.

No, you help by getting her help - proper help via the GP and NOT by your partner's colleague's advice (massively unprofessional and an issue with confidentiality and boundaries).

I would be more worried my 17 year old daughter was in an abusive relationship.

Yes, she could well be being emotionally abusive. There's nothing in OPs post to suggest he is being abusive.

Intentional or not,self harm can be manipulative. They are both young people and he needs help to make sure he can leave if he needs to.

With my Dsis in ended up okay, she left him when she was ready and now is happy in a new relationship. However it was so damaging and sometimes still is. Its emotional manipulation too

Whether she’s in an abusive relationship, very possible, or whether she’s using self harm as a ‘weapon’ to get him back, also possible, she needs therapy and fast. I would look into going private, if I could afford it. Just get the ball rolling ASAP.

Interesting one. I was basically your DD at that age. But it wasn’t my boyfriend who was making me mentally ill, I already was mentally ill, without friends etc. The relationship certainly didn’t help matters but it wasn’t toxic. I’d be really careful about jumping to conclusions. It sounds like co-dependency more than anything.

Can you be sure your daughter hasn’t cut before? I’d been self harming for a few years before my mother found out. I do think it would be useful to try and get help through counselling or similar, if your daughter is willing. But it’s a fine line between being there for her and worried, and invading her privacy. I definitely would have benefited from talking to a therapist about how difficult I found my teen years, but I would have also bolted had my mother tried to push too much herself. The detachment of a stranger would have been the answer for me, I think.

Oh, and definitely don’t suggest the self harm is manipulative. In most cases it isn’t, even if others view it that way. As your daughter very succinctly explained to you, it’s a way of making pain real in a way she can process. She’s having issues understanding the enormity of her own emotions, including the negative ones. Being told what she’s feeling and suggesting she is manipulating anyone in any conscious way is a sure fire way to make her clam up. So far she IS talking to you. That’s a good sign.

quincejamplease

Casting the boy as abusive ignores many other possible reasons for self harming which is also not only ignorant but dangerous.

Thank you all for your messages, I'm grateful for your advice. I really don't think it's an abusive relationship on either side but I appreciate I can't know that for definite. He is a lovely boy (and she's a lovely girl!) and they seem very fond of each other when together (at the exclusion of everyone else in the room).

I think @Writersblock2 makes a good point. I think she has struggled with her mental health before and outside of this relationship. She has such a low opinion of herself so when this lovely young man showed an interest in her she's thrown everything into it. But the problem is, what happens when that support is gone.

She has said she's open to outside support so I'm keen to try that as I can't find the right words (and I'm too close to her). I'm struggling how to find the right support though. I'd be happy to go private but is the best way to go through GP first or independently search for a therapist online? I will try Relate - thank you for that suggestion.

I’d go private. You could be waiting ages through NHS and you could also find they only offer six sessions.