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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask for advice on how to respond to MIL

23 replies

goodtoseeyou · 12/10/2019 20:37

I have a 6 year old DD. She’s in p2 at school and doing well. She’s bright, clever and articulate with lots of friends - this is the school’s description of her at parents’ evening.

The advice I’d like is regarding my MIL. Anytime my DD achieves anything...good school report, swimming badge etc she always comments on how clever her other grand daughter is (SIL’s daughter) My niece is 4 and can read (not seen evidence of this but she may be able to) and anytime my own daughter does anything which may garner praise my MIL has to bring up her my niece and how “off the charts” clever she is.

For example, last week my DH messaged his mum after parents’ evening to say DD had done really well. I saw MIL a couple of days later and she brought up her school report. I said yeah we were happy with it and yet again she immediately starts to talk about how clever her other grand daughter is.

I’m happy other grand daughter is a clever girl (she’s a really lovely little girl too) but my own daughter’s achievements are not a tool for comparison and she’s started to notice that her cousin is literally ALWAYS brought into the conversation.

What you day the next time this happens?

OP posts:

TimeforanotherChange · 12/10/2019 20:38

I think I'd say politely "I think it's unnecessary to compare children" and then change the subject. Perhaps if you do it every time she does this she'll take the hint.

ThanosSavedMe · 12/10/2019 20:41

I’d like to think I would say ‘do you realise that every time we tell you about dd’s achievement you always turn into something about dn? It’s not a competition and if you continue this you risk alienating dd, dh and me’

Gustavo1 · 12/10/2019 20:41

That’s a shame.
Would it work to say “aw, that’s lovely but let’s focus on DD. We are really proud of her for this report/activity/achievement. Aren’t you?” ??

Alittleodd · 12/10/2019 20:44

"I think it is unecessary and weird to keep comparing your grandchildren with one another. Stop it."

My MIL does something similar with my DS and her oh god, like grand niece (I think? no bloody idea but she plays a grandma role) always using DS as a chance to put the other one down. Poor kid. It comes off as so fucking mean. I don't understand what is to be gained by being hurtful about a child.

Raspberrytruffle · 12/10/2019 20:44

I'd say to mil you know you have more than 1 grandchild? Not just the golden one? I'm a bitch though

flouncyfanny · 12/10/2019 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 12/10/2019 20:45

I had to ban my MIL from talking about her other grandchild ( a perfectly nice child) as all she wanted to do with my child of similar age was test them to see how they matched up in comparison. It got to the point where it was unbearable. Other gc is the child of MILs favourite child, mine never got a look in. Not even a nice word. Good thing that my child is devastatingly attractive and clever. Must piss her off 😁☠️

Fiacla · 12/10/2019 20:49

Is she one of those people who thinks it’s terribly bad form for parents to praise their own children? My mother didn’t understand that me and my siblings weren’t part of her, and any time we did well at anything, she was terribly embarrassed in case someone found out and thought she was boasting or had notions.

PoohBearsHole · 12/10/2019 20:57

I had this with MIL - dh had to have a word. It got to the point that we even mentioned our D.C. name and she was off on one about her other Gc. Obvs she is closer to them as she does everything for them/sil - to the point where they don’t really get a say in stuff. It pisses dh off which is why he said something.

My eldest has noticed and has no desire to be close to mil due to this. What has happened is that other gc have been spoiled by mil to the point where they have become quite entitled and imho rude to her.

I have no advice but have seen the consequence of playing favourites with gc.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 12/10/2019 21:02

My mum is a bit like this though not infront of the kids. The thing is though I am pretty sure she does it the other way around though. She did it with my brother and me. I think she thinks that she is trying to spread the praise around or something. I never say anything as I know she would be devastated if I pointed it out and she doesnt do it infront of the kids so theres no harm done.

My point is, it may not be a conscious thing and she may do it the other way around. Maybe she was raised in a way that people thought you had to be in competition to push themselves or where praise to someones face was thought to spoil them.

So I would tread gently at first. Along the lines of 'you might not realise you're doing this and I'm sure it comes from a place of love and wanting to include both granddaughters all the time, but whenever we mention any achievement of x you mention something better that y has done. We want to celebrate both of them as well but we'd like to give x chance to concentrate on her own achievements without feeling like she is always second best. I realise it might be a habit so I hope you wont mind me reminding you of this conversation next time you say something that might make her feel like she is being compared unfavourably to her cousin'

lynzpynz · 12/10/2019 21:26

'haha its not a competition MIL! You are very lucky to have 2 very clever grandkids, actually we need to make sure we dont set them off into a negative competitive relationship now they're getting bigger and understanding things we say more so can we be bit more careful we don't compare their achievements as something DD said the other day made me think she's picking up on it'

BumbleBeee69 · 12/10/2019 21:35

Stop telling her anything about your DD's achievements. When she asks why, tell her you know she isn't really interested.

Redwinestillfine · 12/10/2019 21:41

Agree. Stop sharing the news with her.

amusedbush · 12/10/2019 21:42

I had an ex whose granny did this with his cousin. Apparently she’d done it his whole life and as he got older she went from comparing them in conversation with his parents to just simply bragging about her (his cousin’s) achievements to his face every time she visited. If he went to Tenerife his cousin had been to Elevenerife.

It got to the point that he just stopped seeing her.

Original poster

goodtoseeyou · 12/10/2019 23:01

I’ve never even mentioned it to my DH. Strangely, I tend to see MIL on my own. I pick DD from her house as she keeps her after school and I’ll stay for a cuppa and a chat.

I think the first port of call might be to gently raise it with my DH. He’s close to his mum and she is generally a nice woman (don’t want this to be a MIL bashing thread) and she does a lot for us.

OP posts:

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/10/2019 23:11

Is your mum in dd’s life? Perhaps you should play “compare the grannies”.

You:- Lizzie got her 400m swimming badge.
Her:- Yes - Vicky has just got her 800m one. We are sooooo proud of her.
You:- I’m not surprised. My mum is soooo proud of Lizzie. Of course my mum was a swimmer so we expect the talent came from her. And Lizzie is so so close to mum - it’s like the Lizzie and Granny show - I barely get a look in.

badg3r · 12/10/2019 23:16

I would mention in passing that your DD is of an age where she picks up on these nuances and you don't want her to think that it is a competition / she is being compared with other GC so maybe best not to do it in earshot of her. Your MIL probably doesn't realise she does it.

Ozgirl75 · 12/10/2019 23:18

Mine are also like this a bit and I mentioned it to my SIL and she said they were like it about my children when she said anything about hers! So that was pleasing as it could easily have caused a rift if we weren’t close.

Next time it happened my DH said something kind like “it’s really nice that you’re proud of both of them but have you noticed that whenever we mention something that DS has done, you talk about something that DN has done - it might make DS feel like you don’t value what he’s done” and she looked horrified and said she hadn’t even noticed she was doing it.

Mouikey · 12/10/2019 23:23

My grandmother did this... but both ways so bringing up the brilliance of other cousins to me and my parents and my brilliance to my cousins. It didn’t end well. I think she saw it as a way of bringing everyone together (she had a terrible upbringing, lost her parents young and had no one championing her), but it drove the family apart.

Nip it in the bud now.

Inlovewitharagorn · 12/10/2019 23:24

My mum does this. There are three of us and we have two children each and she only responds to anything we mention about our own children with praise about some of the others. It's really boring.
I've given up worrying about it (my children are about to leave home) but I do find it very frustrating.

Jesse70 · 12/10/2019 23:40

She probably does the same with the other GC
And doesn't even realise it's making u feel like your kid is in competition

Napmum · 12/10/2019 23:56

You mentioned DD has started to pick up on it. I would say "can I have a quiet word? DD has started to feel like you don't value her achievements, I've noticed that when we talk about what DD has done you mention something that DN has done. I think DD feels you're not proud of her and comparing her to DN, I am sure you didn't mean it like that do wondered if you could....".

You say she's lovely so I am sure that she would be glad you mentioned it, if you frame it as a concerned mother who knows it's not meant how it comes across but have noticed it's affecting DD hopefully she will see it as you intend not as an attack on her.

Good luck

Katarina262 · 13/10/2019 09:19

My mil is so blatant with her favouritism. It's pathetic. She isn't even aware how old my children are and even forgets their birthdays. She cannot muster any enthusiasm for my children's achievements ever. She resents them because they are 'more priviledged' than her daughter's children. I really despise the woman. Thankfully I have lovely parents who show a lot of interest in my children even though they live 300 miles away. I would politely say something to your mil OP before you start to resent her. Good luck!

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