Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social media stalking an ex

24 replies

Kellybath82 · 12/10/2019 12:58

I have found out that my bf checks the insta / FB account of an ex gf almost daily.

I feel so hurt that he would allow this person to be in our lives so unnecessarily.

He assures me it's just something he does and it doesn't mean anything but it still feels like a betrayal. Should I stop wasting my time and end things?

I have made it clear I want him to stop but AIBU?

OP posts:
HJWT · 12/10/2019 13:00

@Kellybath82 Defo leave him, why would you need to look at your ex unless you have feelings still 🤷🏻‍♀️

Picklypickles · 12/10/2019 13:15

Of course it means something, it means he is obsessed with the ex. I don't check any of my friends or family members social media accounts that frequently, in fact hardly ever - if they post anything I'll see it on my news feed.

SparklyMagpie · 12/10/2019 13:16

Without a doubt I'd be off

And sorry but daily?!?! Why the fuck would he need to check?!

Stampy84 · 12/10/2019 14:00

How do you know he checks daily? I’ve had a little random stalk on ex’s out of boredom and nosiness- however I’m talking once in a blue moon. The one I used to look up daily ... I was still In love with

Wattagoose90 · 12/10/2019 14:06

I don't really like to admit this, but I do a little social stalk of ex boyfriends. It used to be daily, now it's more like once or maybe twice a month.

Ex1 was emotionally abusive, ex 2 was a happy healthy relationship.

When I was doing it daily (before I was with my husband) , it was because I wasn't over him (ex2). Then it just became a routine/general curiosity and a bad habit that I just can't completely break, even though I love my husband and I'd absolutely never go there again or attempt contact.

This is an awful admission but with ex1, I like looking and thinking about how I've "won" and come out better, even though he'd convinced me I was incapable of being loved and happy. There are still feelings there, but those feelings are frankly bitterness and hatred. Maybe that's why I do it.

If it's just "something he does" that has become a habit, I think best course of action is to block her profile so the temptation is gone. If he's unable to quit, I'd question the strength of the feelings that might remain.

MistyMinge2 · 12/10/2019 14:07

A look once or twice a year I could understand. We've all done it. But daily, no way. That's wierd. He must still have feelings for her. If he loves you he wouldn't be doing it.

tisonlymeagain · 12/10/2019 14:11

Would be a red flag to me. I used to check my ex's page often and he used to check mine...he's no longer my ex.

hoxtonbabe · 12/10/2019 14:17

My ex used to do this when we were together and blamed it on his autism like he did with much of the abuse he put me through, although his wasn’t daily. It’s horrible when they do this, makes you feel like you aren’t good enough and they have deep feelings/pining for that ex

Once or twice occasionally just to be a bit nosey I can deal with but daily or even weekly I couldn’t deal with.

When we ended he ended up checking on me all the time, so I’ve deleted all my Social media accounts because of Him as the thought of him looking at me regularly doesn’t sit well with me

Gruzinkerbell1 · 12/10/2019 14:21

It’s very weird to do it on a daily basis. Why does he feel the need to constantly check up on her?

I’d walk away, and tighten up your social media security settings as he’ll no doubt start stalking you too.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 12/10/2019 15:38

It's odd to do it regularly. I do admit until recently I did check every 6-12 months to see if my abusive ex's life has ended up as a trainwreck I wish him. Partly because I knew the girl he cheated on me with was going to the police and asked me to help by giving a statement that would help her. I of course was more then happy to. He lost contact with hid niece, his back then fiancé broke up with him taking custody of the child. All this was on his very public facebook. Decided I have seen enough to be happy his life was a car crash and blocked him. Funnily as soon as he was being charged he made a new account to try talk to me probably to get me to lie. Told him in no uncertain terms to jump off a cliff

Original poster
Kellybath82 · 12/10/2019 23:15

He says it's just a habit but clearly I'm finding that hard to trust.

OP posts:
Coconutbug · 13/10/2019 00:17

No it's not habit, it sounds like he's not over her yet!

SparklyMagpie · 13/10/2019 07:25

It's not a habit at all,that's an obsession

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 13/10/2019 07:34

I wouldn't like this either, not daily. If he insists it's a habit, then ask him to stop/cut down and see what he does next. That will tell you how he really feels about you.

Also, is he looking up anyone else daily or just her?

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 13/10/2019 07:58

My ex stalks me online. It's creepy and weird. Even though I divorced him for DV, it feels like I'm still not free of him and I'm watching my back all the time.

He's with someone else now too, so I don't know why he can't concentrate on her and leave me alone.

purpleberry11 · 13/10/2019 08:14

I think if you ask him to block her, so it removes the temptation for him. Annoys me that everyone just throw's in the towel.
It does sound like there is feelings still there. But this is just some random stranger, with an opinion. Tell him that it upsets you, and he should focus his attention towards you. But don't let jealousy cloud your veiws

Original poster
Kellybath82 · 14/10/2019 20:15

Thanks all, we had a good talk about this last night. He accepts that it is wrong and has promised to stop for the sake of our relationship.
I am concerned I will not trust him in the short term, particularly when he's on his phone. I do feel betrayed and hurt still.
But we feel there is something worth fighting for though which is good.
Desperately need to keep the ex in the past from now on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellybath82 · 23/10/2019 06:07

UPDATE - last night I caught him on her Instagram whilst in bed with me.
Safe to say we are over.

Good luck finding someone who can put up with that sh*t
WIBU?

OP posts:
Endeavour1971 · 23/10/2019 06:18

He made a promise to you and broke it just a few hours later??! Wow, what a guy.
No YANBU to end this relationship. If he can lie that easily he will do it again, and again, and again.
Walk away and find someone you can trust. Good luck OP

Newstart571 · 23/10/2019 06:31

I think you have been quite reasonable. It really isn’t normal to be looking at your ex’s social media every single day.

It’s even less normal to do it when you have promised not to.

I don’t know if I would be able to trust him after this.

Original poster
Kellybath82 · 23/10/2019 06:35

Thank you.
It's been over a week since he promised but the betrayal is still there for me.
I can't get past him looking whilst I'm lying next to him.

OP posts:
grandmatakemehomeee · 23/10/2019 06:49

Sounds like he needs to get a grip. How long have you been together?

Original poster
Kellybath82 · 23/10/2019 06:56

We have been together for 6 months. He was only with this other woman for a few weeks. That makes it worse for me. Feels like unfinished and that he wanted more.

Not sure why that didn't work out but it shouldn't matter.

OP posts:
grandmatakemehomeee · 23/10/2019 07:14

Yeah you're better off walking away from that one and be thankful it was 6 months wasted and not years. You deserve to be respected better.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page