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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex MIL

22 replies

upups · 12/10/2019 11:09

So my ex is currently going through court to be charged with threatening and abusive behaviour towards me. After speaking to a lawyer they said I didn't need to give any contact with him and our son. I decided I would allow him to see our 1 year old at a soft play once a week for an hour and supervised by my mum as I can't go. So today his mother (who has encouraged him to plead not guilty even though he is, and hates me) turned up without asking my mum or me and without getting my ex to mention it.

AIBU to be absolutely raging and wanting to stop contact all together after this pure rudeness and lack of communication?

OP posts:

Zebraaa · 12/10/2019 11:15

Why can’t she come along?!

Windydaysuponus · 12/10/2019 11:16

If he persues contact again you will have to explain why you gave contact against a lawyers recommendation....
He may get more contact which you can't argue with imo...
Stop it now.
Imo.

Idontwanttotalk · 12/10/2019 11:16

I don't know why you would agree to your ex seeing your child when he has been abusive and threatening towards you when you were specifically advised you needn't do this.

I suppose I can understand her not wanting her son to be convicted of such a crime. Does she actually believe him and think you are making it up or does she know he is guilty?

I can understand you feeling as you do too. What was she generally like as a MIL?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 12/10/2019 11:18

There's a lot going on in that situation.

His mother wanting to see her grandchild and coming along to soft play is no big deal imo.

If he goes for contact he will likely get it and then you won't be able to say who goes near your child at all.

I can see why you're pissed off, and in your shoes I would likely feel the same, but it is unreasonable.

Original poster

upups · 12/10/2019 11:22

I agreed as I don't want my son to forget him and for it all to be too much for him when he will have to see him in a couple of months. I'm keeping it supervised as I do not trust him tho. She was a horrible mother in law and hates me, has no respect for me at all and refuses to believe that her son could be anything but prefect when she actually witnessed him being abusive previously.

I'm just annoyed that yet again he hasn't asked or mentioned his mum coming she's just turned up with no remorse. Maybe I am being unreasonable I'm just so upset by all of this.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/10/2019 11:27

I think you’re making a mistake facilitating contact with what sounds like a horrible person. An hour a week isn’t going to create a meaningful relationship between your son and his father. While you continue to do so, I don’t think his mother being there as well makes it any worse. She might be awful but she’s not up on harassment charges against you! He’s your problem.

Witchinaditch · 12/10/2019 11:33

She is his grandmother even if she hates you.

Original poster

upups · 12/10/2019 11:36

She also lives in a foreign country and has been home for 5 days and hasn't contacted me to see her precious grandchild once. She doesn't want to have anything to do with him really, she just likes to post pictures on social media and pretend to all her friends.

OP posts:

FudgeBrownie2019 · 12/10/2019 11:41

You can't force a relationship, you can't pretend he's the Dad you want him to be, you can't erase the fact he's abused you.

So go with what your lawyer suggested and cease contact now.

I genuinely think that when you break up with someone you have a child with you have to grieve in two ways; for the relationship itself but also for the loss of your child's 'family'. Then once you've grieved, you can move forward and learn that actually the best family, however it's built, is one filled with kindness, love and positivity, and that a 'family' built on how your Ex treated you would be a terrible way for your DC to grow up.

Bellringer · 12/10/2019 12:11

Did she come with ex(ok) or instead(not ok)?
He will use this contact to establish his rights later. Stop it and wait for court to order supervised contact, or none.

MRex · 12/10/2019 12:17

It doesn't make sense for you and your mum to let a violent man spend time with your son, and your mum should not be given the responsibility of keeping him safe. Wait until (if) it is court ordered and done in properly supervised safe locations; properly supervised is not your mum at a soft play FFS.

Someone not having "respect" for you, whatever you mean by that, is not an active danger for your child. If it were me then I'd be more likely to let the MIL see him than the father. Get your priorities straight around what you need to do to protect your child or you risk the courts not taking you seriously.

Chunkers · 12/10/2019 13:07

Not to mention that your poor Mum could potentially be ‘ganged up on’ whether that be verbally or just by their joint presence. I wouldn’t have allowed contact in the first place as per your lawyers suggestion and setting a precedence.

Original poster

upups · 12/10/2019 13:16

Thank you all, you're all totally right. He punched a stupid toy grabber machine at the soft play, made my son uncomfortable around his mother who he doesn't know and was then rude to my mum and walked away from her as she was speaking. This will be the last time I will allow contact with him until he has got it put in place.

OP posts:

MRex · 12/10/2019 15:15

Have your lawyer send him the letter to let him know. You have attempted reasonable contact despite his violent behaviour towards you, but due to him punching the machine and frightening your DS, you are now stopping contact because you do not know how to keep your son safe from being harmed by him if you allow it to continue. You don't need to say anything about the MIL.

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/10/2019 15:22

If it's this bad then you should ask for supervised contact in a contact centre. Contact is maintained but risks are minimised.

Spied · 12/10/2019 15:25

Don't facilitate contact. At all.

Armadillostoes · 12/10/2019 15:27

OP-In allowing contact like this you are going to undermine your credibility in court. Stick to supervised contact through a contact centre.

Isadora2007 · 12/10/2019 16:12

He sounds like a complete twat and not worth you, your mum or your sons time.

TipToeToothFairy · 12/10/2019 16:21

I understand why it's tempting to allow contact but if he's rude to your mum and aggressive in front of her, is that fair to your mum? Plus, is that what you want your child to see as acceptable behaviour?

PanamaPattie · 12/10/2019 16:24

Stop contact. Simple.

Original poster

upups · 12/10/2019 18:05

Yes I have decided to stop contact and plan to do it through a contact centre after this court case is all over. I guess I just wanted them to have a relationship and to give him the benefit of the doubt yet again, I was in the wrong.

OP posts:

HJWT · 12/10/2019 18:17

@upups You did the right thing by trying to facilitate contact in a public environment it looks better on your end, unfortunately it hasn't worked out due to his and ex MIL behaviour! Put this in writing through your solicitor and also say if ex would like to have contact then to proceed through his solicitor and a contact centre!

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