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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let bygones be bygones?

20 replies

Networkon · 11/10/2019 23:38

For many years a mixed group of couples and single people were very close. A couple of years ago two of those couples started to act distant.

It coincided with a rather traumatic event in my life which left me quite mentally unwell for months. They knew about the traumatic event, and had said and done a couple of things which had made it worse.

In the immediate aftermath, they did things together which normally we would all have been invited to, which is their prerogative, but they also took to sending me photos of them having a good time, when they knew I was having an awful time and would've loved to have been out with them.

Soon afterwards, they removed themselves from our conversations and one of them blocked us on every platform. I still have absolutely no idea why, or what we did wrong.

I bumped into one of the couples last week at a wedding. I was friendly and joined them for a while. I enjoyed their company, I always did.

Today, they have messaged me and another friend to ask if we'd like to go for a meal next weekend. My friend wants to draw a line under the whole thing and go. I don't want to. I can't seem to forget that at my lowest point they were quite cruel. I know I can say no, and my friend can go and see them alone, but I don't know if I'm being petty.

AIBU to not want to have anything to do with them?

OP posts:

SleepwalkingThroughLife · 11/10/2019 23:42

Just grey rock them, and possibly your 'friend' too.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/10/2019 23:42

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time. I don't know what this event was but in the last couple of years I've had quite a few family bereavements and people just didn't know how to act and what to say.

Could it possibly be something like that? Could they have put their foot in it when they meant to be kind or was it definitely them being cruel?

WagtailRobin · 11/10/2019 23:46

In normal circumstances I might draw a line under it and forgive/forget but in a situation where I have been struggling mentally, going through a trauma etc (as you have described) and my so called friends effectively ditched me, I don't think I would be able to stomach being friends again.

They weren't reliable or trustworthy when you needed their support, that would be the bottom line for me.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 11/10/2019 23:47

If I enjoyed their company then I wouldn't avoid being friends on principle, but if previous behaviour was stopping they I'd just make an excuse and move on.

CruCru · 11/10/2019 23:50

Friends are people who make you feel better about yourself. It sounds as though letting these people back in would make you feel quite shit. So don’t.

scissorsandpen · 11/10/2019 23:51

I experienced a similar thing traumatic event and cruel behaviour from so called friends. Yes things could have been smoothed over but we would never recover the friendship. I don’t think it’s petty rather realistic why pursue a friendship that you know is unrepairable . Same set of friends are off to celebrate another friends 50th a friend they no longer like or wish to go on holiday with and are horrible behind her back . I just feel well out of it and it sounds like you are too - follow your gut x

Original poster

Networkon · 11/10/2019 23:53

Just grey rock them, and possibly your 'friend' too. I have never heard the term grey rock before. I'm going to read a up on that. My friend is my best friend in the wold and a genuinely lovely person. I think she must just miss them.

Could they have put their foot in it when they meant to be kind or was it definitely them being cruel? The comments definitely weren't kind but perhaps not intentionally cruel. The way they acted afterwards certainly felt cruel though.

OP posts:

timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 23:55

YANBU. You let them go for a very good reason, they aren't good friends to you and probably not to others, either. No more renewing things.

Original poster

Networkon · 11/10/2019 23:59

They weren't reliable or trustworthy when you needed their support, that would be the bottom line for me.

This sums up exactly how I feel. My thoughts are that if they can do it once, they can do it twice.

I don’t think it’s petty rather realistic why pursue a friendship that you know is unrepairable. Yes, that's what I think. It's unrepairable. My friend knows that things will never be as they were, but is happy to see them every now and then for a meal or drinks going forward.

OP posts:

Original poster

Networkon · 12/10/2019 00:05

and my so called friends effectively ditched me, I don't think I would be able to stomach being friends again. Yes, this is exactly what happened. They ditched us for no reason, or at least no reason they ever communicated to us, and now suddenly want to mend things with as little reason.

OP posts:

scissorsandpen · 12/10/2019 00:05

I guess you are in a difficult position as best friend wants to but even the fact you asked the question on here means you know it’s a bit pointless. I think it was great that you could be pleasant at the wedding exactly what I would do but otherwise eh no . Sounds like you have other nicer friends to hang out with !

Original poster

Networkon · 12/10/2019 00:16

Sounds like you have other nicer friends to hang out with! I do, I'm very lucky. Some of those friends were absolute rocks during that period even though, at the time, I was much closer to the friends who ditched me.

OP posts:

scissorsandpen · 12/10/2019 00:18

My other friends too and thank god for them . Do not feel bad life is short spend it with the people you care about and as you have already be pleasant when you bump into them but no more. :-)

BumbleBeee69 · 12/10/2019 00:19

Remember how they treated you, when you were at your most vulnerable and needed friends, then consider that invite again.

Jux · 12/10/2019 00:35

I'd go just out of curiosity. If they talk about it and apologise then I'd even consider allowing them to be friends again, but I would not trust them an iota until they'd proved trustworthy again.

Not advising you to do that, though.

Original poster

Networkon · 12/10/2019 00:49

If they talk about it and apologise then I'd even consider allowing them to be friends again

We briefly spoke about it last week at the wedding. They said that the whole thing had been stupid and got out of hand, and that they had only went along with it because of the influence of the other couple, and that they had no negative feelings towards us. Given that there has been no argument and we had done absolutely nothing wrong, there should be no reason for them to be negative towards us.

I do know that they'd separately told another friend, who was also cut out and subsequently contacted again, that they didn't want to be around my situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Networkon · 13/10/2019 18:11

I have declined the invitation. Thanks to everyone who reassured me I wasn't being petty!

OP posts:

Vulpine · 13/10/2019 18:14

Grey rock them?! What now?

CalmdownJanet · 13/10/2019 18:28

They only went along with it because of the influence of the other couple - translation -
I knowingly acted like a cunt because I was stuck up other couples arse and wanted to be friends with them more than you but now we aren't friends anymore and so I think you should forget how cunty I acted, blame the other couple and forget all about it and come for dinner where we can all pretend it never happened!

Eh don't think so love, off you fuck cuntychops yes I stole that

Glad you declined op, you deserve better

Original poster

Networkon · 13/10/2019 20:06

The strange thing is, CalmdownJanet, is that they're still very close with the other couple. They said something along the lines of 'it was X and X who caused it all, but you know what they're like, eh?'

OP posts:

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