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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed at DP?

26 replies

TheGongGoesBong · 11/10/2019 17:51

So DP is going abroad with some friends next weekend which is fine (in theory). When he originally told me about this about 3 months ago he said it was for a weekend so I assumed 2 nights and maybe 3 days. For weeks I've been bugging him for the specific dates and it turns out he will be leaving our house at 3am on the Friday morning and won't be back until Monday at about 9pm. I'm fucking seething. Added to this he his going away the weekend that after with a different group of friends Friday night to Sunday night and only told me 2 and a half weeks ago even though it's been booked for so long he forgot about it (his words).

We have 2 DC, one 20 months old and one 8 weeks old. The 20 month old NEVER STOPS (as standard with all 20 month olds I'm sure). I don't mind him going out with his friends and I don't mind him going away with them. It's more the fact that he didn't tell me what dates they were considering when initially mentioning it and then casually adds another weekend away straight after? It makes me feel like he has zero consideration for me. I'm being a right passive aggressive hell bitch because any mention of how I feel will lead to an argument and a) I cba arsed with that. I'm tired and b) I don't want him to feel bad about going...just to be more considerate!! AIBU to want to chin him? I don't know how much of this is hormones after having a baby 8 weeks ago!

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 11/10/2019 17:56

YASNBU. You have two babies to look after, one a newborn, and he thinks it's OK to fuck off for 4 full days, then go away for a full weekend straight after? I would be absolutely steaming.

My DH wasn't the most considerate partner WRT this sort of thing when ours were tiny (similar age gap), but even he wouldn't have pulled this shit.

SignedUpJust4This · 11/10/2019 18:00

How would he react if you did the same and didn't tell him your plans?

WineIsMyMainVice · 11/10/2019 18:00

I’d be booking a few days away with some girlfriends pronto!!!

MsVestibule · 11/10/2019 18:01

Oh, and I don't want him to feel bad about going

He should feel bad about going - it's a really shitty way to treat you. Would you honestly consider doing this to him? What would his reaction be if you did?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/10/2019 18:02

Yanbu at all. I'm all for parents taking time out and having the odd weekend away with friends. But two long weekends in a row and an 8wo at home is beyond a joke.

mbosnz · 11/10/2019 18:03

Um, he should feel bad. He shouldn't be going! That's ridiculous.

Original poster
TheGongGoesBong · 11/10/2019 18:05

Whenever I mention how this makes me feel, he gets shirty because I'm making him feel terrible and says I can just leave my eldest with his parents the whole time he's away. Am I crazy for thinking that doesn't magic away this pisaed off feeling I have? I don't want to send DC1 packing for four days followed by the same the weekend after. I don't know how he would feel if I did this because I never would do it. He is always telling me to go out and I do for an evening here and there but DC1 will be in bed! I don't think he understands what it's like to have both of them all day and all night.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGongGoesBong · 11/10/2019 18:06

I feel so reassured by these responses, thank you!

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Sunnydays999 · 11/10/2019 18:10

I would tell him I was going on a spa day then advise i would be back 3 days latter

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/10/2019 18:12

I don't think he understands what it's like to have both of them all day and all night

Well that can be remedied on weekend #3 can't it.

Carrie7899 · 11/10/2019 18:13

Going against the grain here, but I think you're being a bit unreasonable. "Fucking seething" is a bit OTT

You deserve some time away too. Could you book a long weekend with friends and leave him in charge of the children?

SignedUpJust4This · 11/10/2019 18:14

He wont understnad until he does it im afraid. Next saturday hes home swan ot the door annnoucong youre off on a girly weekend and wont be back til monday. Watch his reaction. Make sure you do it when his parents are away so he cant palm the kids off on them. Then do it again the following weekend. Its shitty to do this at any time but especially with a tiny baby.

Ozziewozzie · 11/10/2019 18:14

YANBU
Get your friends on board and book a 2 night weekend away. Give him no notice at all, and make sure his parents aren’t on hand to help. It’s the only way he will learn.
If you can’t bring yourself to go away with a young baby, arrange a long day out. Massage, lunch, shopping, girl chat. Just get up, get showered dressed (most gorgeous outfit) and strutt your stuff to having a day off. Make sure you get back after bedtime routine. Just to help him, don’t forget to leave that all important very long list of pointers (commands Grin) for your dh to fulfil before you get home. Enjoy every second x

BumbleBeee69 · 11/10/2019 18:15

I don't mind him going out with his friends and I don't mind him going away with them.

well it's about time you did OP, this isn't funny atall. He's checked out completely and living like a single man. Flowers

Furrydogmum · 11/10/2019 18:22

You're not being unreasonable, he has very immature emotional intelligence! My DH is going away in spring with his cycling buddies - my kids are an adult and almost adult but it still had to be something we are both on board with because the household doesn't run itself! He needs to be far more open and considerate in my opinion.. My kids have 4 yrs between them but I know at the age gap you have I'd have struggled on my own - I know single mums have to do it and I truly applaud them but if you're in a partnership that should count!

GettingABitDesperateNow · 11/10/2019 18:27

Aaaarrrrggghh hes being a cunt. It was bad enough (only a liar or someone with dementia 'forgets' a weekend away) before you said you had an 8 week old baby. Looking after an 8 week old and a 20 month old is like triple the work of either on their own. Hes being extremely selfish.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 11/10/2019 18:29

Also I dont think going away for a weekend away by yourself is necessarily the answer. Most parents dont want to be away from their 8 week old baby for that long. And most decent partners cant enjoy themselves knowing their partner is probably struggling and miserable at home. It then becomes a kind of tit for that where you go out just because he has.

I dont know what the answer is, but I dont think its that

GettingABitDesperateNow · 11/10/2019 18:31

Also if he really truly thought it was reasonable he would have just told you uo front about the 2 weekends and the dates. To me, he hasn't said because he knows its shit. No doubt he will come up with some 'I knew you'd kick off!' Type excuse to deflect the blame for his selfish behaviour on to yoh

PinkCrayon · 11/10/2019 18:34

Yanbu he sounds really selfish.
Book yourself a weekend away.

Princessfaffalot · 11/10/2019 18:38

YANBU. You’re hardly past the 6 week PP check, no way should he be leaving you to cope alone. What’s worse is he should want to stay home and be around to help. One weekend at a push would be ok but two on the trot he’s taking the piss. And it’s all very well saying you should get equal time away but how would that actually work? Are you bfing? Would baby take a bottle? If you booked yourself into a hotel for a night would you relax and enjoy it or would you be worrying all night long? He must hardly know his new baby, only 8 weeks old and he’s going away.

SignedUpJust4This · 11/10/2019 18:48

No it is shitty to do tit for tat but until he experiences a bit of it himself he will not understand why hes been such a shit.

Windydaysuponus · 11/10/2019 18:50

Pack a case for oldest dc..... Tell him hope they both have fun...

Original poster
TheGongGoesBong · 11/10/2019 19:01

@Princessfaffalot

And it’s all very well saying you should get equal time away but how would that actually work? Are you bfing? Would baby take a bottle? If you booked yourself into a hotel for a night would you relax and enjoy it or would you be worrying all night long?

This! I am bfing and while DC2 will take a bottle when I express, I don't feel ready to have a weekend away.

I just so tired and have lost all confidence in myself. I can barely articulate myself anymore and just feel like saying anything to him would be a waste if breath. I feel so lost and sad.

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Original poster
TheGongGoesBong · 11/10/2019 19:03

@Windydaysuponus that mental picture has cheered me up no end!

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I8toys · 11/10/2019 19:09

YANBU selfish - my dh wouldn't even dream of leaving me like this 2 weekends on the trot and would rope in mil - but that's more torture so.....