To think the workplace is a popularity contest? And worry about never getting on?

[SelfsufficiencySue]

I'm not a popular person at all. Quite introverted so am probably happy with quite small amounts of social contacts anyway which is fortunate! - generally always have close friends and some acquaintances but in any medium size group situation (school, college, uni, training days and all jobs I've been in) I am always on the outside. I am massively bewildered by how social stuff all works. I take an interest in others (because I genuinely am interested!) and don't think I ask intrusive questions, I definitely don't rabbit on about myself. But still I just do everything wrong!

Close friends have sometimes commented that I'm slightly eccentric and do my own thing. I was assessed for autism and the Dr said I wasn't, because I'm good at eye contact and a good conversationalist, and have good insight into relationships, and when he asked my mum about my childhood there was no evidence I was obsessed by trains etc. So although I felt like I related to a lot of the stuff I read about women with ASD it wasn't that!

Anyway, I'm growing increasingly worried that I won't ever be able to do the social stuff to make connections and do well in the workplace. I've had some time away and trying to figure out how I could get the jobs I like but - people with good careers seem to basically all be popular social butterfly people who others want to talk to. People tend to ignore me, even if I try to eg start chatting at an event.

Sorry I just feel frustrated by this today, I don't know what I do wrong but think my social skills are just really bad, and that's despite being somebody friends come to when they want to talk through difficult emotional situations. They say I'm good at that, so why am I so unpopular and stupid in work social situations?

Does anyone feel similarly held back at work by being basically a bit unpopular or socially awkward or whatever you want to call it?

I have a few close friends that should have read, I don't have lots but have a handful! Plus my partner. So I don't think I'm actually just really horrible etc.

Do you feel comfortable with yourself?

I am called eccentric. Often commented on how I am unique. In the last few years I have become very comfortable with myself and discovered that people seem to like me more.

Where is in my 20s, I made more effort to be nice (or rather a walk over) and to fit in, but really struggled

The more comfortable I become with myself the more at ease people seem to be with me.

Not sure if that helps or not.

My carrer has had a fairly steady trajectory. I cant say wether its hindered or not in the past.

I can come across as quite abrupt or slightly awkward sometimes and yeah, I think it makes a difference to how others view you. I found that I was always being left out of things and didnt feel like I fitted in. It sucks and you aren't alone. I don't have too much time to socialise at work now as I am generally busier and tbh I feel so much happier when I don't get too involved in thinking about the popularity contest stuff that goes on or in trying to fit in. I just remain polite and friendly without trying too hard to be liked. People can either take me as I am or not.
Some workplaces are worse than others. I eventually found a job where there are a few others who are a bit more antisocial and we all get on with each other as a result!

I'm not an expert but that seems an odd way to access a woman for ASD. Those mostly sound like cliches.

Close friends have sometimes commented that I'm slightly eccentric and do my own thing. I was assessed for autism and the Dr said I wasn't, because I'm good at eye contact and a good conversationalist, and have good insight into relationships, and when he asked my mum about my childhood there was no evidence I was obsessed by trains etc. So although I felt like I related to a lot of the stuff I read about women with ASD it wasn't that!

I think your GP doesn’t understand how autism can present in women. If you are identifying with what you read online, and if it would help you to know if you have autism, I’d push for a second opinion and a proper assessment.

I do feel comfortable in myself, usually! At school and in my 20's less so, tried to fit in more - ended up drinking a lot to go out a lot as thought I should.

Now much older and happy to be my introverted self, I need lots of time just by myself or with DP (another introvert) to recharge. I do very much like seeing friends, but certainly don't push myself to be an extrovert going out lots anymore.

But then I realise my personality is probably holding me back and that makes me not uncomfortable exactly but frustrated and slightly sad.

I think extroverts have a natural advantage at work and thrive in that environment. I just find it exhausting to be in an open office with constant interaction and noise and buzz and often the expectation to socialise after work too with colleagues, and like I say I don't get it right somehow and people don't want to speak to me anyway.

It wasn't the GP who said that about autism to me, it was a specialist psychiatrist in the NHS. He said I had traits (sensory and social I think mostly) but not enough for diagnosis. I get that, because they need to draw a line somewhere between who has autism and who doesn't so it does make sense!

Have you considered self-employment?

We value most the roles that involve motivating people to do things. So to reach stratospheric levels does need someone with good people skills. On the other hand, you sound very similar to me, and I've found where I have done best is when I'm "the expert" who other people have to come to, and I can relate on a 1-1 basis. I don't work well as part of a team. Depends of course on what you're interested in - I'm lucky in that I'm interested in an area that most people find difficult.

I've continued to make sure I'm in roles where other people need to come to me for advice, and I'd say now that people who know me well do like me, but I never will be "popular".

Have you considered self-employment?

Yes. I have worked as a freelancer so self employed although I think possibly you mean something more solitary? At any rate freelancing still presents the same set of issues for me, maybe even more as there's no guaranteed next contract so you are even more dependent on people taking to you.

I don't work well as part of a team.

I think this is me too, which is bloody unfortunate as so many places put such an emphasis on team this, team that.

@MereDintofPandiculation you sound like you have found your niche and a way of doing things that works for you so that's encouraging, I am pleased for you!

Depends what the job is. I've worked in firms where we've had well paid respected colleagues who didn't make eye contact, had special dispensation to be exempt from desk moves, got away with removing light bulbs where they work, clean desk policy was ignored etc.

The key thing was they were very good at what they did.

What evidence do you have that you are ‘doing everything wrong’?

Is it just a feeling you have? Might it be lack of confidence, rather than a real problem with your behaviour?

Why do you think that you are unpopular at work? I’m pretty extrovert, but I like my quieter colleagues. No, not because I like talking over them, but because they are nice! I don’t expect everyone to participate in the chat all of the time. It is ok to be an introvert.

Is it just a feeling you have? Might it be lack of confidence, rather than a real problem with your behaviour?

Well it probably has something to do with a lack of confidence now, but that's learned from experience so it must be something I do and continue to do unknowingly that is wrong.

Everytime I feel confident about a group situation and think I'm doing ok and am more or less the same as everyone else, something happens to let me know I'm not doing ok, that I'm not really part of the group in any way.

Then there's things like people finding me totally invisible and ignoring me at mixer type events - I can remember at uni one person even kindly pointed out how weird it was that nobody wanted to talk to me at a society we joined, and then naturally she didn't want to be associated with me either. Adults aren't as blunt as she was but things still kind of are like that.

People repeating something I've just said, and the others all agreeing with them when they ignored me.

Lots of very small things that all add up to a frustrating and bewildering picture.

Wondered if anyone else had any thoughts or insights on this, so bumping shamelessly.

OP, I've been following this hoping for some insight as I am much the same as you.

However, what has helped me a little is some talking therapy. It's helped me to accept me for me, while at the same time given me opportunity to work on myself.

It also helps that I've passed the needing to 'get on at work' phase. I left to be a SAHM for a few years, and now work freelance from home. 99% of my communication with colleagues is via email, which really suits me. It's perfect in fact!

Not much help I know, but if I was giving advice to myself 15 years ago it'd be to be kind to yourself, try not to compare yourself to others and if you can afford it get some therapy. If therapy isn't an option, then perhaps do some research into your personality type. I used the 16personalities website which I found really insightful.

Good luck, I'm sure you're a lovely person.

Thank you! it's interesting that talking therapy helped you, I'm thinking of finding a bereavement counsellor at the moment. I've had a few stints of counselling and maybe this time should look for someone more general who I could discuss this social stuff with too.

That's actually made me think about looking into work coaches. I think they are sort of similar to life coaches, but focused on career goals. I've never had one before, but think you can just book a couple of sessions one off so might try that at some point too!

I think it's interesting that there's several people who feel similarly, and there must be more out there too.

I guess though the majority of the world tend to the extrovert side of the chart. You read about people saying the most important aspect of their job is their lovely colleagues, or not working to work alone at home or in an office by themselves.

I agree social skills make a huge difference in careers and sometimes who you know too.

I feel I've got further in my career than I would gave by being 'nice', being kind to people and making people laugh. My professional skills are ok bit not great. I feel a bit if a fraud tbh. Certain careers lend themselves more to people who have technical skills rather than social. If you struggle with social skills maybe investigate them. I feel if you try to fit yourself into something you are not it's a horrible feeling 😣

I'm wondering if people think this is ok, or if this is just weird and an example of things I do wrong.

I've moved to a new city. Thinking of all my contacts, and there's somebody I know at an organisation, he was my client for a very brief time - think high turnaround news environment. He was very pleased and said to get in touch if I was ever in this city.

But that was a long time ago - 5 years! I doubt he remembers who I am.

I feel like I'd email him without thinking twice in the past, but as a pp shrewdly has pointed out, my confidence is a bit rubbish because I don't know where I'm going wrong - perhaps this is a good example. I now think emailing him is maybe too weird as it's too long ago?

What are people's thoughts on getting in touch with professional contacts from a long time ago? Should you? Or not?

I don't think it's weird, if you want to get in touch with him do it! 5yrs isn't so long.

Would it be for professional purposes? If so maybe just check out linkedin or something to see what he's up to now in case he's moved on.

If it's a friendly thing, just do it. I'm sure he'd be happy to hear from you.

My level of weird social interaction... while popping in to look after Dparents house while they were holidaying, their lovely neighbour (whos known me since birth!!) catches me in the garden and says pop over for a coffee sometime. I cheerfully reply, oh thanks, but its OK there is coffee here. Literally days later I realised she was actually INVITING me over socially for a coffee. No wonder she looked at me so oddly. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sorry @CarrotCakeEveryTime but I lolled at that!!!

I am called eccentric. Often commented on how I am unique. In the last few years I have become very comfortable with myself and discovered that people seem to like me more.

^^

I can agree with this. There's a lot to be said for 'being yourself'. I tried for many years to fit into a role, be something I'm not, etc so even if you are naturally goofy or introverted it's OK - just be you.

The first two jobs I had out of Uni I was very popular (not showing off, just stating the facts!), I was well known around the office, offered lots of good projects, advanced well and was respected, despite the fact that I frankly did no work.

I moved into my current role 18 months ago. I love the work and really apply myself, but I am unpopular in the office. As a result I’ve made zero progress since I started and feel like I’m treading water.

So yes, work is a massive popularity contest IME!