I feel like I totally let my friend down

[Omininomini]

The other day I made a post about my friend and how I often feel she tries to strong arm me into doing stuff and bringing back a tent, etc.

So yesterday she drives to mine and we end up having dinner. I was really trying to figure out why this friend makes me uncomfortable and over the course of the evening I got it. It's because she basically really doesn't care about what's going on in my life. The whole four hours we spent talking about her life, her psychological processes, how she feels about herself. Actually a lot of stuff has happened in my life recently, quite big stuff, including winning quite a big artistic prize. But she just wasnt interested. On my rare attempts to talk about something that was going on with me, she just acted a bit bored or would cut me off with something completely unrelated. Example:
Me: So I don't know if I told you, but do you remember that (art project) I was working on?
Her: Urgh, this wine isnt great, shall we get something different?
Me: Yeah... I mean, I guess, sure.
Her: Okay, let's get the waiters attention. Anyway sorry, what were you saying? Art project?

Yiu get the idea. So I end up just really rushing anything I want to say or not bothering so we get back to her. It isnt just me who's noticed it. I was talking to my DP last night and he said "I cant believe you haven't noticed that before. She does it to everyone".

So anyway, back to last night. After dinner, she drops me back at mine and heads home (shes a 30 minute drive away). I get back in and I'm actually quite pissed off at having spent 4 hours basically just being her sounding board.

Ten minutes later I get a call from her: she got a flat tyre, she only has 3% battery left, and she has no spare tyre. So she calls a company and they take her car away to put on a new tyre, but that wont be done until tomorrow.

So she arrives back at mine (dropped off by the tow guy) and tries to call her insurance company. Meanwhile, I'm making up a bed for her on the sofa, but I'm doing it with bad grace to be honest. I'm just being quite quiet and downbeat. She decides she isnt going to sleep at mine after all because she wants to be up and out for work tomorrow, the insurance company is sending her out a taxi to take her home, within 45 minutes (we live in the sticks).

Okay, fair enough. Its 11pm. We make tea, we wait. It gets to midnight. No taxi. At 12.30 she calls insurance again. They tell her they'll call back. Meanwhile we're just carrying on hanging out and drinking tea. It gets to 1.15am and finally they call back saying there was a mix up with the taxi.

So finally DP says "right, look, I'll just drive you back". Friend says okay cool, Omini can come too to keep you company on the way back (thanks for telling me to do what I was already going to do!).

We get in the car and set off. After just three minutes, the taxi calls her. She starts having a bit of banter with the taxi driver on the phone, saying "Oh so you actually did end up coming then? What a mess! My friends are actually driving me home now!" when finally DP interjected and says: "X, that's the taxi driver right? So he's here? In the area? In that case just tell him to come and collect you now so it'll save us an hours round trip".

We drove to a car park and found the taxi and she went home.

Afterwards DP said she was a nightmare but also said that I had made it clear that I was pissy when I was making up the bed for her, and so she probably felt uncomfortable staying with us. And now I feel really really bad, like I was actually a bad friend and made someone feel like sht when they were in a shit situation. I dont know how to make it right or whether I should say I'm sorry or leave it or what.

From what you've said, I'd leave it. I really would. Having been in your position before with someone like that, any apology or admission I had behaved with less than good grace was always used to their advantage somehow.

I do regret it though. I should have been warmer. It was only when I was making up the bed that i was being pretty cool. Then the remaining two hours i was being chatty and trying to pass the time.

You were kinder to her than you needed to be, and looked after her. What's with the guilt? Were I your friend I would have sent a bunch of flowers and a big thank you for inconveniencing you.

Do you think she spends as much time agonising over whether or not she’s upset you as you do about her?

She spent 4 hours talking about herself at dinner and being uninterested in you.

She messed up your evening plans and delayed you going to bed, when she could have called a taxi and pissed off home.

Why are you feeling guilty? I would be seriously annoyed at her for taking up so much of my time. Time to cool the friendship right down I think.

I’m confused as to why you were making up a bed on the sofa when she 1. could have just called a taxi.

And why did she then 2. call her insurance to get her a taxi instead of just paying for it herself? I didn’t know a flat tyre was even an insurance issue?

Or 3. your partner could have given her a lift as soon as she arrived on your doorstep.

Also 4. why did the breakdown service drop her at your house instead of her own house?

I agree with all 4 of those points!

You did nothing wrong! Let it go.

YABU for putting up with this..

@Haworthia
I just assumed when she came back that the most logical thing was for her to stay the night and sort it in the morning. I guess in retrospect it does seem a bit weird, in the sense that if it were me I would have been a lot more proactive (eg I would have been calling back and hounding them about a taxi every half hour, and reckon after the first hour or so I would have been like fuck it, and called a taxi myself).
DP was in bed so I guess we just thought if a taxi was coming there was no need to get him out for an hour of driving when it wasnt necessary. Thanks, you've made me feel a bit better about it all.
I didn't consider that point about the breakdown guy. Not sure why he didn't take her to hers. Maybe it was too far?

Breakdown services take you home, full stop. They don’t ask you for your closest friend or relative and drop you there. How could 30 mins away be too far, anyway? It just doesn’t add up.

You didn't let her down. She sounds like a nightmare.

She sounds like a solid frenemy to me. I had similar, but rather than not being allowed to discuss me, the frienemy constantly told me I was doing things wrong and what I should be doing, which is basically what she would do. That friendship is dead and buried and will never be resurrected. She's way to Machiavellian for me. Some people are like that.
YANBU, OP. You're better off without users in your life. And I think the insurance might include recovery services (like AA or something) but why she was taken back to yours I couldn't say. Does she fancy your DH?

What is the matter with you? You seem like a professional doormat. You can say no. Why do you care what she thinks, she clearly doesn't give a stuff about you

@Haworthia has hit the nail on the head exactly.
She has you running around in circles...and I agree with other poster, she should be texting thank you for helping her and being so accomodating etc.
Instead you are worried that because you were less than sparkling that you somehow must apologise to her? You were tired and up late, you don't have to be full on charm in that situation. Is she royalty?

I remember the tent thread, I think in your shoes I would be really thinking about how you want to be treated. You've fallen into a pattern together, you know that now so you can be prepared to stand up for yourself a bit more and don't get railroaded.
At the same time, I note that she did give you a lift home, which is something.

Why on earth didn't she get the recovery man to drop her at her own house rather than yours?

It sounds like she keeps making her own problems your problems and forcing her company on to you.

I don't think you did anything wrong at all. I would have just gone to bed and told her she's welcome to sleep on the sofa.

It doesn’t sound like she adds anything to your life, more like she contributes to frustration and annoyance. You would be well within your rights to phase her out. You have no obligation to anyone treating you like this.

Yabu - let it go, no need to apologise

Close the door on this user.

I would message today and say 'hi friend, hope you're well. I was wondering why you didn't get the breakdown service to drop you off home, rather than to ours? It turned out to be an extremely late night for dp and myself, we're both so tired today, and think it all could have been avoided last night. '

Even if she doesn't explain or chooses not to respond, she'll know you're not best pleased at the imposition and inconvenience to yourselves. She'll know you've rumbled her.

She owes you an apology, not the other way round.

You have no need to apologise and little need or joy from staying in the friendship

I would message today and say 'hi friend, hope you're well. I was wondering why you didn't get the breakdown service to drop you off home, rather than to ours? It turned out to be an extremely late night for dp and myself, we're both so tired today, and think it all could have been avoided last night. '

I would not send this message! it makes you sound so desperate. As if you were sitting and stewing about it and makes you sound petty.
I would just distance yourself from her now that you have the measure of her.

I've read your other thread, she seems to have no consideration for you. She's no friend.

You don’t owe her an apology - she is one of those people who enjoy drama. She got dropped with you rather than home because that way she gets attention. She will be dining out on this story with other ‘friends’

There are a million things she could have done to avoid inconveniencing you, but then she wouldn’t have an ‘oh my god, I had SUCH a nightmare’ type story to tell. Bin her

just sack her of, nobody has time for this kind of stuff